A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alright... So I am having a big problem in my relationship of two years right now. And since I found some helpful answers on a previous question here, I have come back.So here is the info on the situation... Early when I met my girlfriend of over two years now, she had to go on a trip to help a friend work. That was fine.But later I discovered that the friend was a guy, and that she shared a hotel room with this man. When I found out of course I had my questions... She swore she had known him for a long time as a friend, and that she slept on the couch. She also said he was too much older than her for her to want to sleep with him.She also said she was talking to me every night on the phone, and therefore wouldn't have slept with him.Now, perhaps because of my inexperience at the time I accepted that, but it never sat well with me.Recently I discovered that she has been all over with this guy, she even went on a trip out of the country with him.Yeah... Now my mind is filled with some shit.I am going to confront her tomorrow (it's late now, and I have been up all night with this)...I know her, and I know she will swear up and down she has never slept with this guy. And then she will start going off about how I am overly suspicious and have no trust in her.But how can I believe that knowing this. I saw pictures of her out of the country with him, and it looks to be more than just friends. And after some time I learned that before me she preferred older men...I know that whatever she did before me is none of my business... I accept that.But am I wrong in thinking that once she went to *work* for him after she met me that makes it my business?Do I not have the right to be upset, and suspicious. Do I not have the right to confront her?If she did sleep with this guy, it was very early in our relationship, before we *committed* to each other. But even then I would have never been with anyone else while with her. So to me, if she did sleep with him, it constitutes betrayal to me.And since I asked her straightforward if she slept with him after she came back... If she did do it... This whole relationship is based on a lie. If she had told me then, I would have made a clean break, and this relationship would have never existed.Of course I'd like to hear from some guys on this, but I would also like to hear what some women have to say on this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Why would this man travel all over with her unless he was sleeping with her? I know I would not do so. If it was innocent and she was just working for him then why lie about it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo the situation is resolved...She was upfront and told me years ago that she kissed the guy but there was nothing there and they remained friends.She also said that while she was on the work trip he was in a relationship with someone for a few years and that the woman knew she was there with him. I suppose if a woman trusted him enough, I can trust her.I wanted to say thanks to the two anonymous ladies that shared their thoughts. Because of your comments I didn't start the conversation with accusations but rather neutral questions.I just told her that it bothered me and I wanted to know if there is anything that I should know, that I had the right know...Her eyes convinced me she was telling the truth.If anyone with a similar problem is reading this then believe me when I say... Don't let the thoughts brew, just be upfront, admit you're uncomfortable with whatever the situation is, and talk it out calmly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you two are saying... It only worries me because when she took this trip with the guy it was very soon after we met, maybe two or three weeks.
It was the courting period between us.
I really dropped this until I discovered the pics of her with this guy in other places... Like I said they've been around a bit together, even leaving the country together.
In particular the pictures I found of her with him overseas are what bothered me because of the way they were holding each other.
The whole point of my suspicion is that when I asked if she went on that trip with a guy she told me she was alone, now I have pics of her with this guy...
You have to admit, there are grounds for suspicion here.
So my question is, do I take her for her word?... I know she would lie to me just to keep from hurting me.
Let's say she swears she has *never* been intimate with this guy... Would you believe that?
Or let's say she admits that she has been with him, but she did not sleep with him on the trip she took after I met her. They shared a hotel room together, how do I accept that?
Normally I would cut my ties now, the suspicion alone is enough to drive me insane. But it is a bit more complicated than that...
For one my love for her is profound, I have totally invested myself in her.
Also, we now have a baby boy together and... I love my son. I was abandoned by my father, and I always swore to myself I would *never* abandon any children I had.
But this suspicion... Not knowing... It's terrible.
It is also very scary knowing that she is the only person that can hurt me. She is the only person that can rip out my heart and leave my soul shattered.
With that said, I am still compelled to find out. I really have to know or it will always be in the back of my mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Phew, that's a hard one. I can understand your frustrations, but you also have to realize that you are viewing this situation with coloured glasses on. You might not know the real context.
To put in some perspective, I am 20 years old and I too tend to have a thing for older men. I do martial arts and I have been helping with a couple of seminars all over the country. Some were far away so we needed a hotel. My martial arts instructor is 38, married and a very nice and good looking guy. Seeing that, plus adding my tendency to fall for guys like that and the hotel room, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that something happened between us.
It didn't. For one, I don't mess with married people. Second: he's a decent guy and he would never betray his wife. Three: the consequences of a fling would be too high. Neither of us would risk the comfortable lives we're living now for something like this, which is bound not to work out anyway. That doesn't mean I'm not attracted to him and that he isn't attracted to me. He might be. But he loves his wife more than he's attracted to me and I respect his relationship.
So, from that perspective, it IS possible that she's telling the truth. And really, if you do decide to confront her, you will be stamped as the bad guy no matter what. If she's right, you'll be the jealous bf who is driving her away. If you're right, she'll say your behaviour pushed her to do that in the first place. A no win situation.
There are two things you can do:
- Swallow it and trust her, doing it in such a manner that if she does go to 'the dark side' she will be consumed by guilt. Also, if she does do it, she will be the slut and you will be the decent guy who deserved better.
- Break up with her right now. That way you're rid of the weight of your suspicions, as well as the consequenses of them being true or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): it is suspious but you shouldnt accuse her until you really have evidence...its okay to ask about it though...idk some times things are innocent and sometime they arent just get more evidence youll eventually find out the truth but stop jumping to conclusions..if you dont trust her then you should waste your time being with her wheather shes lying or not....ask her but dont start an argument
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