A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I have quite the dilemma, and don't even know where to start. I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. Up until six months ago, we had a great relationship, and amazing sex. About six months ago, he started losing interest in our sex life, and I always had to initiate it. Now, we're at the point where not only will he not have sex with me, he won't give me any kind of physical attention or affection. We fight constantly. He says he has no sex drive, and doesn't know why. What I want to know, is why is he still watching porn and masturbating to it every night? He says he doesn't, but he gives me free access to his computer, and his history is full of porn sites, usually 20 or 30 a day. Also, the few times I have gotten him to actually make out with me, he gets an erection, and then pulls away immediately. He swears he is still attracted to me, and I have no reason to believe he is lying about that. However, I know for a fact he lies to me about other things (like who he hangs out with, and smoking pot, etc.) He has actually told me, while stoned out of his mind, that he hasn't smoked pot in over a year. Yeah right. I kind of think he's cheating, or has cheated, but he swears he hasn't. I don't know what to do, but his lack of sex drive and honesty is really killing our relationship. He freaks out and begs me not to leave him if I say that our relationship might be over. I don't want to lose him either, but I am starting to feel like I should have some self-respect, because I deserve better. Why do you think he is doing this?
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drugs, erection, porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Mmm, while I initially would have commented that visiting porn sites != masturbation, you do say he has erections caused by you.
Yet he doesn't want sex.
You are not going to like this suggestion, but he might have an STD and not want you to get it. That is the first reason I think of why a guy with an erection and a willing, legal woman would not want to have sex.
One other reason might be that he is afraid to catch an STD of you as it were. If he is the type to avoid problems he might not want anything to do with you anymore because he thinks you cheated on him.
Finally, might he have performance anxiety? Has he had trouble with maintaining an erection/coming to soon etc that might make him afraid to fail again? Doesn't mean you came down on him, guys can talk themselves down even if the woman has no issue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have sat him down, and told him how he makes me feel. I have told him my self-esteem is in the toilet, because I don't feel beautiful or desirable compared to these women. I have told him how the lying makes me feel, and why I don't trust him. He makes me feel guilty every time I try to initiate anything sexual, and says I'm "pressuring him". He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him, and I should just leave him alone to work it out. He swears he's not cheating and he never has, but he's lied to me about so many things, so why should I believe him about this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): I really think what you need to do is sit him down and tell him all of this that you have posted, and see what kind of reaction you get from him.
Also, I definitely think he's lying about losing his sex drive, and I think him cheating on you sounds like a logical explanation.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 hi honey, you're absolutely right, you do deserve better. 18 months is apparently the usual amount of time it takes for the bloom to come off the rose where sex is concerned, after that you have to work at things a bit more. It doesnt sound like he's mature enough to realise that or indeed do anything about it. Yet he's too weak to finish it with you if he cant put the effort in. There's some great guys out there. Go get yourself one of them. Good luck x
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