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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey,I have a question, mainly for the ladies, but anyone who can help me is welcome to answer. In short, I have a huge problem with porn. It distresses me, I constantly allow it to make me feel insecure, inadequate, ugly, unsexy, you name it.Yes, I have a boyfriend, and he watches from time to time. Oddly enough, he prefers amateur, which doesn't bother me, really, lots of women like me there enjoying themselves! Also, his porn habit is quite normal and healthy I'd say, as he says he prefers to masturbate to the pics he has of me and/or mental pictures of us doing things. Even if this wasn't the case, he's respectful enough to keep it private.So, as you can see this has NOTHING to do with him. I could be single and it'd bother me. So please don't bring him into the equation. I know it's all in my head.That's why I'm reaching out here. What can I do to improve my self image concerning porn? I don't watch it, he doesn't watch it anywhere near me, but you know, porn is even in news stands nowadays, so yes, it's everywhere so sometime or another I'll run across it.How do I overcome this? Is there some sort of online community that can help me? I don't want to feel distress when I run into porn. I want to not give a damn! I want to love my body and stop comarping to these "ideals", women who look nothing like me, you know, they look 10000000 times better! I want to heal my distorted thinking, I just don't know how. If you have experience overcoming this, please, please, please help me! I want to be a better person.P.S: REMEMBER IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY BF! He's caring, sensitive, and compliments me... so he has given me no reason to feel like this. Remember that if you plan on bashing him for being male.P.S.2: Don't go preaching about how porn is addictive, demeaning, etc, etc... what I want is to learn to ignore it effectively and not let it get to me. Just restort to that. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): Thank you Diovan. That's sound advice! That's exactly the kind of woman I want to be. Feel unique and sexy as I am. I'll start looking after myself better, and embracing my body as it is.
:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): Sorry dear poster, with all the arguing, we have gotten of the point. As I was saying, you need to make the best of you, do all that you can to be the most beautiful woman you can be. That anonymous lady led me astray, her negativity made it seem as if exercise is pointless. It's not honeypie, if you eat well, feel fit and look good, you will be better about yourself. You don't need to be perfect, maybe some porn actresses are perfect but they do it with surgery. You don't need to do that. Look after your body and try to make yourself beautiful enough for you. Stop looking at other women unless you are trying to get tips of them. This is what works for me. I learn to be confident, I learn to feel sexy, because I make the best of me, and I am far from beautiful or slim... lol... Put your energy into yourself and then the confidence and beauty will come. There is nothing as sexy as a confident strong woman, no matter if she is ugly, fat or as mean as hell.... and if you don't feel it, then fake it, fake it until you make it, and it will become natural to you eventually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): No one has a magic answer to this. Stop arguing with everyone---they can't argue with you if you don't reciprocate.
The bottom line is that you acknowledge your insecurities, and you know exactly what your problem is---you're obsessing.
Like any problem---once you learn what it is, you can solve it. No one else---YOU can solve it.
The posters are offering advice, you don't agree or feel the need to defend. It wreaks insecurity.
If I were you, I'd worry more about your relationship. Seeing you so defensive tells me your insecurities are likely to destroy your relationship while you're so worried about some of these small details. You're making them bigger than they need to be.
Work on yourself so you feel good about yourself. Stop blaming 'the media' or porn or whatever.
Be gracious for the things you have---your children, your wonderful partner, etc. Your negative obsession is unnecessary, but likely reflects in other areas, too. You deserve to be happy it sounds like in all of your defensive statements about everything around you. SO if everything is so perfect, then you need to get on the 'perfect' wagon and enjoy it--and drop the rest of the Bull.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): OP here!
Ugh, another porn debate... oh well...
Ms. Anon, I sympathize with your situation, but as Diovan and Fade have said, their very different...
"I would certainly recommend finding a partner who's desire to watch orn is not greater than his desire to not hurt you...Best of luck."
No, no, no... read again. He's not addicted, and he watches it from time to time or at least has the decency to not leave it all around. Which I very much appreaciate, because I think that's very considerate of his. There's no need to reach a compromise here. At least I don't think so. I can't expect him to not masturbate if we see each other infrequently (we don't live together), and even if we lived together... This is not about him watching porn from time to time, this is about me being insecure about something THAT WOULD BOTHER ME EVEN IF I WAS SINGLE. EVEN IF I WAS SINGLE. EVEN IF I WAS SINGLE...
Read carefully please:
"How do I overcome this? Is there some sort of online community that can help me? I don't want to feel distress when I run into porn. I want to not give a damn! I want to love my body and stop comarping to these "ideals", women who look nothing like me, you know, they look 10000000 times better! I want to heal my distorted thinking, I just don't know how. If you have experience overcoming this, please, please, please help me! I want to be a better person."
I stated clearly: I want to not give a damn, I want to love my body no matter what, I want to heal myself, I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. It's about changing myself. And not changing myself physically (although it'd be great to improve some stuff lol), it's about healing my emotions and thought process.
I've read about lots and lots of women who are ok with porn, that's my goal. Be like those women, not like the porn star on the screen. If they're like that, why shouldn't I? It'd make me way happier, let me tell you that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Hi ms anonymous, mother of 6 with body issues and insecurity. How is your answer meant to help this young girl. She ain't got 6 kids, and she doesn't have your body issues. As I said before, make your own post instead of hijacking problems from young adults. Maybe if you could be more considerate to others, you'd find less problems in your marriage and in your life... size....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): believe it or not Diovonlestat, even mother of large families enjoy regular sex, it has nothing to do with being superwoman!!!
To the mother of 4 who says she has no loose skin, yipee for you....genetics does play a role...but incidently I too have no excess weight...in fact Im a little underweight....however for many women like myself loose skin does result from pregnancy and CANNOT be removed short of surgery...
I am also a nurse/midwife and can assure you we see this often...even in women after only one child..The mmuscles of the abdomen can seperate irreversibly and the loose sagging skin can hang,,,,even without excess weight. The only solution is surgical.....so Fade just because this didnt happen to you dont assume your excercise regime is the reason why...the technical term is Abdominal Diastasis....the website below shows links to post partum bodies and as you will see there is a wide range of normal. http://theshapeofamother.com/category/postpartum/
It has nothing to do with being overweight or underweight or how much a woman excercises....its about elastin...as I said genetics plays a role also, with very fair people being less prone....here are some links to information and why excercise is not a cure (although definately recommended for health and weight control..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 November 2008):
 As to your question, poster, I, a lover of simple things, believe that all you need to do is understand that porn shouldn't be something to worry about.
Just to give you an example, there are magazines and ads of much muscular men, and I can swear to you I don't care in the least. They can exercise while I eat my burgers. Since fat often brings joviality (and diabetes, but that's another thing), I can even think the muscular guy will give me a subject to talk about with the girls, while he works out :-).
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 November 2008):
Also, if we judge by your new avatar, you look great, Fade.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): PS: Ms anonymous, I tailored my answer to suit this young girls situation. She is 18 - 21 and I doubt that she has 6 kids and loose skin. If you will write me a letter, I'd be pleased and happy to answer your questions about pornography in a relationship, and help you out with your particular situation with advice that suits your circumstances....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Hi Ms anonymous, why did you decided to have 5 or 6 children, that dose seem like a lot of kids to me, in Britain our average is only two. I should think you'd be grateful for porn, you definitely have enough sex from your partner considering the amount of kids you have. Porn isn't your enemy, it should be your friend. With all them kids, you should be tired, and grateful when he looks at pornography and gives you a rest for once. Damn lady, 6 kids and you still want more sex, you must be superwoman....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): yeah right, diovonlestat, we can all have the perfect body....just go to the gym......sure, that may work when one hasnt popped out 5 or 6 babies......but let me tell you honey for most of us moms out there this would simply never be achievable simply because pregnancy permannently alters a womans body (especially 5 or 6 of them). The elasticity and and firmness alters and no amount of excercise can take away excess skin...As my Dr says once the elastic snaps the only way to get rid of it ois to cut it off (a process I certainly wouldnt undertake to look like a porn star..The fact of the matter is, most porn stars are 20yr olds who have barely lived, let alone undergone the changes of most women who are mothers. It is nothing short of ridiculous to give advice that we emulate porn stars...Maybe youll understand this one day if you ever become a mom.To the OP I know you may not be a mom but your problem is legitimate and NOT all women can look like porn stars , in fact about 1% of women do....(most of us for a while while we are 18)....counselling may help and I would certainly recommend finding a partner who's desire to watch orn is not greater than his desire to not hurt you...Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): "I believe that sex,sex,sex thoughts emulating from the forehead of people and sex on the palms of their hands (semen from masturbating) is what the true meaning of this prophecy is" Female anonymous, 30th October...
Listen honeypie, we really have to talk, I think you need to speak to someone soon... You can send me a letter via private mail. I keep feeling that you are in the wrong place, you do realise that Dear Cupid is a place gives advice on relationships and sexual activity? We talk about sex because that's what the website is for...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): YOGA... try to practice yoga, it is a beautiful way to make yourself feel confident and relaxed and it also helps to keep your body firm and trim. Yoga works to change the outside but it also changes the inside as well. Go to yoga classes and you will develop a loving forgiving nature for the way you look, and you will concentrate on yourself, and your own progress in life and other people won't bother you so much....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): "I am sure this post will cause a lot of harshness from the pro-porn people on this board, but my opinion on this matter causes me no discomfort." A female reader, anonymous, writes 30 October 2008
Ms anonymous who has posted this question, please don't get upset with this ladies views, I'm not. She has her beliefs and she has stated them clearly, unfortunately, they are totally useless to you, because you have clear stated you don't think like this at all..
I remember you posting before, I was so hopeful that you would use some of our suggestions to give you much more security and confidence is your sexual appeal and your own personal beauty. I am very sorry that you are still having problems with this, but you are still very young. The confidence you are looking for will come with age, as you experience more things in life.
You need to be more comfortable in your skin. I suggest that walking around in the nude might help you a lot. The lady's in porn look confident, and they look like they like sex a lot. Babes, they are professionals, they are actresses they are paid to look like that. Instead of being upset with them, take a leaf out of their book. You are young, and probably very beautiful, there is nothing that they have that you don't have and you can't get. Concentrate on your self. If your hair is limp and lifeless, get yourself a good haircut. If you need to feel more beautiful, learn how to put on makeup better. If you want to have the perfect body, then go to the gym, exercise, eat good food, make your body trim.
We all get jealous of people, there is nothing wrong with that. Some of us get jealous at beauty, for others it is money and wealth, for others it is brains or sporting success. Many of us women at your age felt insecure about our looks. Even the beautiful women felt ugly at one time. Remember you are not the only one who feels like this. Pornographic models, fashion models, still compare themselves with others and they feel exactly the way you do. Because I am older I have more confidence in the way I look. My looks don't matter to me, because there are people uglier and people prettier than me.
Try and imagine these beautiful women on the toilet or in pain during their monthly cycle. They have bad hair days, they have spots, they are just like us, even if the camera. make up and surgery help to make them beautiful.
You have to make the best of what you have. We are all beautiful in our own way. The girls in pornography are not always beautiful, but they know how to keep their body looking good, they use false hair and lots of make up. Well babes, you can do this too, you can make yourself look as beautiful as them. Take tips from beautiful women, take the time to make yourself look special too. Learn to walk and talk like you are the sexiest woman on earth. Look at yourself in the mirror everyday, and tell yourself, "hey I am beautiful too".... These are things that will give you confidence. Comparing yourself to other people, wishing the world was different, will always upset you and leave you feeling dissatisfied. Beautiful models, pornographic actresses have tons and tons of tricks to make them seem more beautiful than they are. If you want to be beautiful, make beauty your main hobby, and you will be as beautiful as you want to be.... Trust me, it works. I know many ugly women, but guys don't know that because they hide their looks with beautiful clothes, good makeup, and tons and tons of confidence.
You can't change the world babes, you can only change yourself. So take tips from them beautiful people and make yourself beautiful too...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): o.k I get it now. Western society and it's values towards women/sex is the problem.
So move to another culture. Easier to put on a pair of slippers than to make everyone else take their shoes off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Ha, ha, Male Anon, very funny... NOT!Look, I'd understand such an idiotic comment if I were a controlling, selfish gilrfriend trying to change her boyfriend into not watching porn anymore. But I don't know if you had a problem reading it, but I clearly state he has nothing to do with it, and that I want to change MYSELF.Sure, stop looking at it. I don't look at porn. Why would I? To torture myself? The problem is that it's prevasive. I don't want it shoved in my face everyday, and while I recognize that it isn't everywhere 24/7, there are times in which it's inescapable and I just don't want it in my face. I agree with a female poster who posted before who said that it's also women in fashin magazines, and advertisements, movies, etc. Not just porn. Yes, this also makes me feel inadequate, but I guess the way porn portrays women adds another factor - they have perfect bodies AND do things that most women can't do. They're practically contortionists! They have this attitude in which (even if they're faking it) they seem to enjoy sex so, SO much and the way they look at the camera and flaunt their perfect bodies... I've heard from men that what drives them crazy about porn women is not just their bodies but the confidence they seem to exhude.So there you have it. I can't just not look at porn and ignore, because I don't actively look for it, it just shows up. I don't think I'm being selfish or anything to deserve such a rude answer, I'm trying to be a better person and I'm not involviing anyone else in my issues.And to the Christian fanatic, I can only say: WTF? I agree with tolerance and respect, but really, if you're not going to be helpful, then don't post. I hate when people ask for help and advice and instead they receive sermons about moral beliefs, whatever they may be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): See if you can move your eyes to the right. Now try the left. Now up and down. If you can do this you have a solution. DONT WATCH IT!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I understand how you feel about the desire to 'fit in' and not be bothered by all this. It would be great not to be affected by it, but I'm not sure that you will get to that point. You see, you have a gift from god. You understand that women are not meant to be portrayed and used in this manner. It is not that you are insecure, you are offended by this.
I suspect that you don't understand this because you have been told by society and others that YOU have the problem. Honestly, it is the people that don't see it as a problem that are going to pay in the long run. Stop trying to fight it and accept that you see porn for what it really is.
I would bet my last dollar that when we are all facing our maker, those that embrace porn will wish that they hadn't... you are one of the chosen few. It was said in the bible that in the final days, people will be branded with 666 on the forehead and the palm of their hands. I believe that sex,sex,sex thoughts emulating from the forehead of people and sex on the palms of their hands (semen from masturbating) is what the true meaning of this prophecy is. I for one am glad that I know this and I am not tempted by porn but highly offended by it. It has nothing to do with being insecure, I am very much secure in who I am and am told that I am hot all the time.
I am sure this post will cause a lot of harshness from the pro-porn people on this board, but my opinion on this matter causes me no discomfort. I do not attack people on this sight for their opinions, I just tell the truth as I know it.
God blessed you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 October 2008):
Why do you think that porn stars look better than you?
Porn stars are the male ideal of a DISPOSABLE woman. They look like the kind of woman you could have sex with halfway through the first date and then never call again.
They are plastic and cheap and so similar that they could all be the same woman. They do not have personalities or brains, they are just living blow up dolls.
Yes you don't have the body of a porn star, neither does anyone, but would you want that? Would you want men to look at you purely as a wank object that can be forgotten 2 seconds later?
If you consider porn as just something for a quick release, and yourself as a real person that guys would actually care about and want to get to know for more than 5 minutes then you might feel better.
Also remember that porn actresses are just that. They are acting and made up and being someone they are not. When they take off their make up and stop contorting their bodies in front of the camera then they are completely different.
Good Luck!! xx
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