A
female
age
36-40,
*awkstar_247
writes:My boyfriend and I have had the porn discussion a few times throughout our relationship. The first time, I gave my reasons as to why it made me uncomfortable and he seemed like he genuinely cared that it hurt me and said he wouldn't do it anymore. A few weeks later I made a joke about him still looking at porn, and he seemed to get quite offended and said, "Seriously. I don't do that anymore." So, I took his word for it. We've had a couple arguments since because I've found more and found out he's been lying to me about it. But what I found this morning particularly disturbed me. All of the items downloaded featured young girls...pre-teen type stuff. But still. I was, and am still, completely appalled. He gets off work shortly and I want to talk to him about it, but I know he will only get defensive. This is a man who I'm talking about marriage with...a man who I'm planning to start a family with. But do I really want to start a family with someone who has downloaded "Daddy teaches daughter"? Please help me. I am in desperate need of advice.
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female
reader, rawkstar_247 +, writes (11 September 2007):
rawkstar_247 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks very much for the advice! :)
I did talk to him yesterday, but at first it was so frustrating. I knew it would make him uncomfortable, but I made sure I let him know that it wasn't particularly comfortable for me either. I made it very clear prior to our discussion that I didn't want to start a fight, I just wanted to have a discussion, because if we're talking about getting married, we need to be addressing our issues. I told him that I knew it would be a hard conversation, but that I felt it would be better for our relationship if I brought it up now as opposed to saying nothing is wrong and stewing about it for God knows how long.
It was like the conversations young teenagers have with their parents at first. Like...when your parents are attempting to help you understand something, but you think their point of view is stupid so you totally space out and don't pay any mind to what is being said. Eventually I got him talking, and he said that it was never his intention to hurt me. I let him know that he has to put some real thought into this and into why it is an issue. I told him that if he has a problem with it, I'm not here to judge him. I let him know that the reason I brought it up is because I love him and I want to be there to help him if need be.
I let him know that I think its sad that the first lies I've ever caught him in have been over something like porn. I let him know that by saying one thing to me and by doing another he is tarnishing his word. Prior to these incidents, I gave him my complete trust. I had no reason not to. I made sure he knew that this is not only something I personally disapprove of, but it is also having negative effects on our relationship. He told me, "I know I've said this before, but I really am going to stop. Knowing that its done these things to us, and knowing how it hurts you, how could I keep doing it? But why should you believe me? You have every right not to and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't". So I told him that I would take his word and give him back the 100% trust that he initially had with me. I told him if he ever needs to talk about it, I'm here, and if its too awkward to talk about with me, there are other resources available to him. I also told him that if he breaks this renewed trust I've placed in him, there will be hell to pay. After all, "Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice!"
Hopefully things work out...I don't know if I went about dealing with it in an appropriate manner or not...:S
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 I think asking him would be OK, but not in a way to draw offense. I have been studying this subject for a while, trying to find the relationship and the link to the associative attraction. Some may not agree, but this is what I have found thus far. Many who view this material, all though illegal in many countries, do so not out of actual "young" attraction. They are attracted to the "innocence". When my parents were young it was normal for two people to date, court one another, get married, then for the first time share their innocence with each other. Innocence as a sense carries a certain beauty which many are attracted too. Unfortunately innocence is getting younger. It's rare, and some in order to full fill their attraction, the view inappropriate material as he is.
All thought there is this attraction, he needs help to get through this. Looking at it in a different fashion sometimes helps, such as the understanding that these girls are being abuses in a real bad way. By the time they get old enough to date, their self esteem will be almost non-existent. I would say you should both seek counseling, first for him to get help and second for you to understand why this behavior is surfacing.
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