A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can someone tell me what the hell they would do in my situation? I'm 23 years old and live with my parents. I am completely independent and fully pay my way - EXCEPT that if I happen to get home from work and my parents have made some dinner and there's some left, I will have some. OTHER THAN THAT I pay for EVERYTHING for myself.I'm a very well balanced, social person. The only reason I am living at home is because I don't have any close friends left where I live and I was bullied out of my previous job. I continued to pay my way at home during this time, but it was cheaper to still be paying what I pay here than to be living in a flat. I have NEVER bludged off my parents.I've been an idiot. I've been waiting for my boyfriend of 6 years to decide he wants to move out of his parent's place and move in with me. We're best friends and do everything together - we're joined at the hip. I couldn't imagine life without him, but of course, with us both living at home, the romance died years ago. I was upset when our lovelife started to fizzle into nothing, but I knew that it was largely due to our living arrangements and having no privacy.. I accepted it and continued on with life in the hopes that EVERY YEAR my boyfriend would decide he's ready to make the move. Crazy, I know.I try to talk to him about us needing to move forward and make a commitment. Over the years, I realise we've been a more solid and compatable couple than 99% of the other people I know. I always blame the strain that's on our relationship on the fact that we're not living together and I blame that on myself.I blame myself because I live in a toxic household. I come home from work every night to find my mother in one of her scowling moods where she's ready to pick at everything I do. My sister lives with us at home and has just started recovering from an eating disorder. It seems that all she ever does is talk about her weight. She has grown into the most selfish self-centred bad tempered horrible person and I have to try my best everyday not to hate her. I know this sounds insensitive because I know she's sick, but she's been unwell like this for 4 years now and every attempt I've made to try and help has only ended up blowing up in my face with everyone accusing me of trying to cause trouble. My parents didn't want to see that my sister was sick for years and would treat me as if I was the problem in the house everytime I tried to warn them. It wasn't until the doctors started warning my parents to get the ambulance ready that they FINALLY got a reality check.Anyways, this illness has spread through the house like a giant tumour. It's changed everyone in our house and I've done my best not to let it change me but I think I've lost out. The recovery from anorexia seems to be worse than the actual illness. My sister has become what I'd say is a manic depressant that begins a diet and 3 days later turns into an absolute monster because she realises she hasn't lost the weight she's put on. I try to tell her it's only fluid rentention but I get banned to my bedroom for being a trouble maker and causing family fights. Yes, that's right - I'm 23 years old.Why haven't I left home? I've continued to wait for my boyfriend.. every month I always think that he'll decide he's ready.. that if I put less stress on him having to help me deal with my family that he'll decide it's the right time to commit. I feel like it's HIS problem but I'm blaming MYSELF all the time. I never make anyone else take the owness!Anyways, I know it sounds an easy enough problem to solve.. why don't I just move out? But I'm only on a contract in my current job and this will only last for another month. After that, I don't know what I'm going to do to find work. This is the first job I've had in a long time where I'm not being bullied by some middle aged woman with an attitude problem and I figure it's a good idea to have ONE safe haven in my life.What's worrying me is that living at home I'm afraid is going to drive me crazy. This whole weight obsession is really getting to me. I'm tall and reasonably slim.. but I do store a bit of extra weight on my butt and thighs. I comfort eat quite a bit.. I love my chocolate and I don't consider this to be a terrible thing. I consider it a coping mechanism for the things that are lacking in my life. My parents instead of watching my sister and making sure she's eating, they seem to be micromonitoring MY eating. Calling me fat, commenting on the size of my butt constantly. Tonight for instance I was at dinner and they just watched me eat every mouthful as I sat there feeling like a fat slob. They told me they feel they have to buy too much food for tea and that my eating is disgusting. I do eat a lot, but if I compare myself to a celebrity so you get the picture, I'm the same size as Jennifer Lopez but with a slightly larger bottom just like her. Up until now I've always been happy and content with my body. Because I know how much of a killer disease anorexia is, I've consciously made myself have a treat daily just because I'm afraid I'll get caught up in the regimented dieting like the rest of my family. I can see this taking it's toll on me though because every time I eat something I feel like a disgusting pig. I don't want my family to ruin what is a very healthy body image. I don't worry about cellulite and I don't worry about clothes sizes. I wear what fits and what looks good. I REFUSE to be driven to become self-conscious about my body because up until now I've always accepted I don't have a miniskirt figure, but that I am healthy and happy with who I am on the inside and out. My family are systematically distroying these healthy thoughts in my head everyday! My parents literally tell me to go look in the mirror and check out my butt and that no one should carry excess weight. I wouldn't even be as big as Britney Spears was in the VMA comeback.. and I thought she still had a great figure!!I was wondering if I could please have some advice as to what I can do. I know I should be angry at my boyfriend but whenever I try to discuss us moving in together he replies by saying, "Yes I know that we should.. I've just been under so much stress lately." He does have a VERY high paying and stressful job.Am I just making excuses for people and blaming myself for far too much? I would love to hear your thoughts.
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anorexic, best friend, bullied, cheap, live with my parents, living at home Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Hi anonymous Canadian!
I didn’t see this before, your follow-up didn’t come with notice :)
Thank you for advice. I think you are perfectly right in that one shouldn’t stay around and try to adapt oneself, it will be killing the sole and spirit and might even be physically damaging. I don’t have bullying problems with bosses but with close co-workers. The problem with the boss is that she is too weak and leaves it to me to find a way to deal with the situation instead of putting herself in the awkward situation of pointing out how things must be done. She tells me to continue doing what I’m doing since other department’s bosses are on her demanding it and the others don’t want to/can’t do the same (I’m the only one with higher education there) and she wants ME to talk to the others about why I’m doing other assignments than they and to give them schemes on when I’m doing what. I would never demand the others to give account on what they are up to during the days. It is a control thing from their side. Not good and changing jobs is probably the solution. I’m very curious about the book you are telling about. What is its title? I would very much like to read it.
I’m sorry I put this in your question column, I would have sent a private message if I could. I hope you are finding a solution to your home situation, tell us how it is going.
Wish you luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Oblivia,
You're more than welcome to ask me for advice. I would love to help! :O)
There is a definite pyschology behind workplace bullying and the first step to dealing with it is to realise why you're being targeted. A workplace bully seeks out individuals who are sensitive to the needs of others, have excellent work ethics and make great team players - these are the qualities that the bully works hard to exploit.
You have joined this website so you can reach out to and help support people - what does that tell you? Unfortunately you are a prime target for a workplace bully. With someone like you in the office, you are a definite threat to them and their job security. People like YOU show people like THEM up. What they have to do then is to kick you down to their level and if you continue to stand up for yourself, they'll try their best to push you out of your job.
If you're continuously working to meet impossible deadlines, are nit-picked over petty laughable issues and micro-managed you can assume you are being bullied in the workplace and you need to step back, look at the situation and figure out your course of action.
Take it from my experience, ignoring a workplace bully doesn't work - the situation will only grow worse. I continued to work in my job for a year and eventually went into emotional shock. It wasn't until then that I realised how much stress I had been under everyday and even after leaving the place, it took me a good year to regain my confidence and begin to place trust in people again.
While working in my job, a friend told me about a new book on the market that explains bullying in the workplace, how it happens and why. I immediately bought the book and attended the book signing where I struck up a friendship with the author of the book. I explained the situation that was unfolding to her and she told me straight away to GET OUT. She said there was absolutely NO way I could survive in this environment and things would only get worse. I didn't listen and stayed 8 months longer, only to have a near nervous breakdown at the end of it. She was so shocked with what I went through, she published my story on her website.
If you're working in a company where the management is weak, aware of the situation but refusing to acknowledge it then you must leave for your own sanity. Workplace bullies are all about CONTROL and they've usually got the majority of people in the company minipulated or terrified of them.
In my situation I went from the GO TO girl that everyone loved to have a drink with after work to the lonely girl in the corner that continuously sobbed throughout the day. People were too scared to come and ask me if I was ok because they were afraid of it happening to them. Everyone knew who had the problem, but when I left no one did a thing about it. I had to accept that I lost every 'friend' I made in my job, that was the hardest part of all.
Don't dear take it personally - take it as more of a complement. Bullies don't waste their time on people that aren't good at their job or aren't well liked by people. If you were an average person that faded into the background you wouldn't be a threat to the bully. Just remember that the qualities you have are something to be proud of and don't ever compromise them for anyone! Don't dear feel like you have to do anything differently, or be NICER to your bosses to get them like you. I've been there.. tried it.. it doesn't work. These people don't have empathy or consideration for others, that's where people like you and I go wrong - we assume they share these qualities.
If what I've said has rung true and you're ok financially, I'd say to get out. If you aren't able to do that right now, work at lining yourself up with another job and hand in your notice. I had every family member and every friend of mine tell me to "ignore it" and "stick it out".. in this situation, it's the WORST thing to do.
In the previous job I had I already understood the reason for workplace bullying and that brought me comfort in knowing it wasn't me with the problem, but them. I had some fun shoving the sh*t back at them before eventually being driven out with endless meetings. It was like staring my own personal demon right in the face! But the ending still had to be the same - you can't survive in a toxic work environment - it's where you spend most of your life and it drains you of all energy.
It's only work and it's just not worth it to be miserable.
I wish you all the best of luck. Keep in touch on this thread if you can. I would love to know how things work out and I hope I've managed to help :O)
Take good care of yourself :O)
Jess
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (1 October 2007):
Wow! I fully agree with RCN, you ARE an amazing and empowered person! I’m glad to hear you’ve had the “old cogs turning”, let them take you all the way out to an independent life on your own. I have absolutely no doubts that you are not gonna make that just perfectly. It is not that moving out of your parent’s house is to brake up with or disappoint your boyfriend in any way, and if he is a clever guy, he will very soon move in after you :). I think that moving out could be good not only for your relationship with your boyfriend, but also with your family. Now they can send you to your room, but when living on your own you will be their adult daughter who they must behave as adults around, or you will just go home when they get too much. Your home, where you eat, dress and do what ever you feel like!
I was sorry to hear about the bullying at your work, it was much worse than I thought first. I experience some of that now with some co-workers thinking I’m some kind of threat to them, and I have no idea how to deal with it. You did right to leave, when even the bosses are involved in the bullying, then there is no return (how long notice did they need for your calling in sick? A week!?), and I can see your boyfriend is a very good person to help you with that. Nothing wrong to wait around for him, but wait in your OWN apartment ;). And yes, you deserve all the happiness you are longing for and you are not burdening him, it is normal supporting behaviour in a relationship. I wish I could ask YOU for advice!
Wish you all the best and happiness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): Anonymous, Oblivia and RN,
Thank you so much for your advice. It truely warmed my heart to wake up this morning, check this page and see such wonderful and thoughtful words from two obviously very caring and empathetic people. I was very upset last night when I wrote into this site.
Oblivia,
I agree that if you're working in an office you're almost ALWAYS going to end up working with someone with an attitude problem - afterall, who enjoys office work? I have had two very bad experiences with workplace bullying - one was my very first job and I didn't know what hit me. I'm pleased to hear that being extra nice to your boss worked for you and I can only wish it would've been that simple for me. Instead, I was hounded with disciplinary meetings over anything the managers could find e.g. not attending the Christmas party etc. I went off to lunch one day after a meeting and went into emotional shock where I froze up and couldn't speak. My boyfriend had to march into my work and get my things, be strong and tell the managers I couldn't return.
This situation was a pivotal moment in my life. I made sure I learnt as much as I could from this experience and used my knowledge to help others in similar situations. From then on, I've perceived every setback in my life as a learning curve, something I told myself would help me grow into a wiser person.
I've done a lot of housework on myself over the years and in this previous job I had, I could see the bullying picture starting to unfold. I had the typical mid 50's control freak of a woman with severe emotional imbalance and multiple personality disorder. When I was pulled into a meeting to discuss the fact that I didn't provide them with enough notice before calling in sick the day before - I knew it was about to start all over again, but this time I had the advantage - I was prepared and they didn't know it. The disciplinary meetings followed, and for each petty thing they could nitpick me about, I would more than match it by telling upper management about how much time I spend fixing my boss's mistakes because the staff are too afraid to take them back to her. As predicted, the environment became far too toxic after I started to defend myself and I eventually had to leave, but not before telling my boss she was a shrivelled up old wench - VERY fulfilling moment and something it took every bit of my courage to say.
RN,
I want to thank you especially for your amazing advice. It was truely what I needed to hear! You're words have given me reassurance that it is not me with the problem. I may come across very self-contained as I do to most people, but there is always that little part of me that questions myself in stressful situations.. where I ask myself if there's anything I might have done that contributed to the situation. I have no problems looking at my own behaviour and admitting if I've been a problem, but the thing is that with the boyfriend, job and family situation I continually get the same answer when I ask that question - NO there is nothing more I could do.
I have tried to deal with my parents the exact way that you had told me. That seems to get their backs up even moreso. They HATE when I tell them I am an adult and deserve to be left alone to live my own life and I anger them when I tell them I'm happy with my body, because they then accuse me of having let myself go. Because my sister spends 5 hours a day in front of the mirror and I whip something on and spend 20 minutes getting ready I'm accused of letting myself go. I can assure you that I haven't.
It is indeed a sick environment that I'm living in and I shouldn't have remained here this long I hope everyday that my boyfriend who means the world to me will swoop in and rescue me from this nightmare but I'm now realising that's a little girl's dream. We've been together for almost a decade, if he was going to do that he would've done it already. I think the problem may be that he's not ready to share his life with anyone else. Maybe I need to tell myself that it's the right time now to move on.
I've been through so many hard times with work and family and I've needed my boyfriend's love and support in the past, which he has never failed to give me. Because he has been my rock, the dynamic of our relationship has changed and when I'm with him I feel like I really OWE him. Even though I know his unwillingness to commit is a serious problem I stay and wait because I feel that because of how much I've needed him in the past I owe it to him to be patient until he's ready. I'm starting to believe this isn't a healthy mindset because it's getting neither of us anywhere. When do I stand up and start asking for what I want in life instead of settling for what I think I deserve from burdoning others?? I have been there for my boyfriend everytime he's needed me and have worked hard to meet his needs in every way. I need to remind myself I deserve the happiness I'm longing for.
Sorry about my rambling, but you have got the old cogs turning now. Thank you again for taking the time to read my entry. I sincerely appreciate it.
I hope you continue to inspire others like myself.
Jess
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): I think the situation at home is so toxic that u should contemplate moving out by yourself. u are not fat or anywhere near it,and this is the last thing your parents should be saying to u as your sister already has an eating disorder. maybe when your boyfriend sees how u can live independantly he will realise what the next step is. ignore what everyone else says, you do not want to end up with an eating disorder too.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (30 September 2007):
My advice is that you take control over your own life. Move out on your own even if it scares you and you don't know what will come in future. Maybe your boyfriend will come after to move in with you, maybe he won't. Don't wait for it, go live your own adult life now. You will not regret it. And workmates with attitude problems will you meet in any office, so find a way to deal with them. I had a woman like that in my office years ago, I began treating her really nice, gave her compliments and cherised her work to the bosses. After a while she changed and started acting really nice to me :) When it feels tough, think of how good it is to have the power over your own home life. You will feel more confident about how to cope with money and all after a while when you see it always works out somehow, as it does for almost everybody.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (30 September 2007):
 First about you. You are a wonderful person, to be in this situation and still feel confident about yourself, that's wonderful. I could tell by reading this, you have a strong character and an incredible integrity. What gets hard is when you have this and your sense of self is much greater than those around you. What makes this so crazy is, your parents have the power to send you to your room, but you really have the strength to lead your family through these difficult times. The wrong people are in charge.
One word comes to mind to describe you "empowered". I wish you were sitting next to me now to see my reaction reading your story. It is very hard to explain. So many allow others to damage who they are, but you're keeping strong, because you know no matter what they say can't take away who you are as a person.
All though you are this strong, you're not using it. You're an adult yet your letting others try to blame you for things you have nothing to do with. I mean, they stare at you when you eat. If my family did that I'd ask "what, something up my nose you'd like to come pick for me?" The way they are acting is inappropriate. Are they trying to prevent you from getting this disease? If so they are doing it the wrong way. I bet they don't realize that by judging the size of your butt, your sister will become more self conscious and may relapse with her condition. Who are they going to blame then.
I know your boyfriend is waiting. If it's stress, and if he's dealing with what's going on with you. Moving in together would actually reduce the stress instead of adding to it.
As far as you changing your diet and such, if they bring it up, let them know "I am happy with myself, if I feel as if a change needs to be made, I will take action and do it."
I know these are people in your family, but as an individual you have the right to tell people to treat you different if they are out of line. I wouldn't be rude about it. I'd simply say "I really don't appreciate you speaking to me that way?" Say it calm. On the same line, don't allow blame to be placed if you had nothing to do with it. If they point the finger at you just say "Nope, I thought about it, and it would be impossible that anything I've said or done could have anything to do with that cause." Then just walk away.
What you are teaching them is: I will own what I have part in causing and I will not take ownership of what I have not.
I'm not saying it's OK to disrespect people in your family, but you can still possess great strength (as you all ready do) without being disrespectful. You are an inspiring strong women, use it to empower others and let those (like your family) realize you can't weaken those who have the greatest strength anyone can possess. The strength in who they are.
Take care. I wish you luck. Take care.
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