A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:good day,i am seeking advice and possibly comfort that there is a solution to this.I can`t move on, and i dont think i want to move on after the break up. I want to get her back! its been 4 or 5 days since she broke it off with me. i know everyone says you`ll find somebody better, but i know i wont and dont want to, she is the most amazing person. She is everything to me, she is the one and i know she still loves me and cares. We've been together for more than 2,5 years (we're both in our late twenties, same sex couple), Our relationship was beautiful in many ways, but stressful recently because of accommodation problems and we argued quite a bit. Also because of my inner issues I've been miserable lately which must've affected her. i didn't show her enough appreciation and love. There i have a result now.I tried not contacting her, but then she contacts me about how sad she is, how hard it is, etc. i told her its gonna be fine and tried to cheer her up. Then of course i started the whole 'please lets try again' tirade. Now She keeps saying this is for the best but she also says she misses me all the time. Again, i'm trying to cut the contact down although its so very hard. I'm totally lost, devastated and beside myself; cant function in a day to day life, cant eat, sleep and its affecting my work (taking days off or just not doing anything if at the office). I cannot accept for a minute that it's all gone. We were this perfect couple everyone used to be jealous of our relationship, I feel like I screwed up by ignoring her at times and not showing how much I love her.Now I try not to bother her too much but sometimes its impossible and i keep looking at my phone literally every minute. Please tell me this is fixable. Is there anything I can do to get her back? :-(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 It sounds like you submerged your identity into this relationship and let go of the individual 'you.' I think you are experiencing profound grief, the same type of grief that a recently bereaved person would face. Your identity as one-half of a couple has been stripped away from you and because you are experiencing this grief, you feel lost.
You need to reach out to your friends, distant though they may be, and also those people who you feel close to for some emotional support, even if you perceive them to be 'her' friends. They are YOURS now too. Claim them.
I would encourage you to talk to your family as well. I would also encourage you to find someone to talk to, such as a therapist or counselor, right away. You are very vulnerable right now and having an impartial person who can help you navigate the next few weeks will be a healthy thing.
I would suggest that you research the stages of grief that people experience, there is lots of good information out there that may help you understand your feelings.
At this point in time it sounds like speaking to her isn't helping you cope very much; I would suggest you go 'no contact' for at least a week while you get yourself in order. Actually, a month may be a better deadline. Then you can focus on nurturing yourself during that time and come out of this a more emotionally strong person.
There's a good article here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html and there are many others on the site if you use this http://www.dearcupid.org/search
Taking care of yourself means: eat well, good nutritious food that will fuel your body, and not hurt it. Do not drink a lot of alcohol or misuse prescription drugs at this time. It won't help. Get some exercise every day, even if it is just a 30 minute walk outside. Get that therapist as I mentioned earlier. Set yourself a small goal to accomplish each day for a month. Just 15 minutes of doing something positive.
When you find yourself anxious or in distress, sit quietly and just observe yourself, without judgment, breathing in and breathing out. Ask yourself, "how am I feeling right now?" and just observe the answer. If you find yourself in a panicky feeling, try to observe the reaction you are having as if you were describing it to someone else. "My heart seems to be racing, and I feel very choked up. My heart feels heavy. My eyes are weeping tears." Or "I am feeling a bit stronger this morning than I was yesterday. I am very sad but not devastated." Just witness yourself and try to let the feelings move through you, let them wash over you and then watch them pass on and witness the next set of emotions.
I have a book I'm reading now, I'm not through it but it seems to bring up a great deal of peace and I would encourage you to find the things that bring you joy at this point.
You will get through this, it's sad that all relationships do not end in happily ever after but alas, life isn't fair. It is part of the human experience to go through painful times. No one is immune. It's how we handle those painful times that will allow us to move on to the joy that will follow, if you let it.
Good luck to you, I hope my words and those of the other aunts here, will give you a framework for coping.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 February 2012):
 When the two of you get done with your games... which "sound" more like the games that pre-teens play..... perhaps you and she will finally figure out that the break is going to stick, and you (both) will get on with your lives....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (16 February 2012):
Yes this is fixable. you didnt destroy any chance of getting back with her. (cheating exc). MY ADVICE IS TO GIVE HER SOME TIME. Dont contact her. it only pushes girls away. Dont show her your sad. dont beg her back. But this is a good time to realise what you were doing wrong and fix it. Think about what you were doing to pisse her off. Think about were the arguments worth it. This happened to me, my friend told me " would you rather be right or happy" ... Being right you are going to argue back and fourth until someone wins and is right. In the end someone may be mad. If you want to be happy, in an argument even tho u may be right just agree with her. Who cares. it doesnt matter.That alone helped my relationship out alot. The fights stopped. More time to be happy then to fight and argue over stupid things which does destroy relationships.She is really angry at you. You really need to give her alot of space. I would say when she calls you shes calling you because she is sad and wants you to comfort her. Girls do this until they have moved on. I would make the conversation brief and not show emotion. Let her know u care about her, but your not going to comfort her until she is better to move on. its not fair for you. There is a chance you can get her back... from alot of the dum stuff people do in a relationship yours doesnt seem like something that cant be fixed. But you have to make sure you dont push her away. Good luck and I hope u get her back!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I dont have any friends to talk to or meet because all my friends are her friends. All my friends they kind of disappeared with time or ive lost contact with them over the last 2,5 years I've been in this relationship. She is my only best and closest friend. With every minute I feel like everything is slipping away :-(
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