A
male
age
30-35,
*udy~and~riley
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 months. We completely fell in love the first time we met, it was like magic. She was 23 at the time and i was 18. For the first few months there was a lot of sex and passion and everything was great. it felt like someone really special had just come into my life. we spent every moment together that we weren't in class and spent every night together. a few months later we decided to move in together (month 3). we moved into a tiny apt on 14th st and no matter how tiny and shitty it was, i loved it because i was with her. A few months ago, i became aware of a lot of problems she had in her life. Lots and lots of debt, not being able to make bills on time, couldnt find a good job. she is a very talented artist and she was just trying to get on her feet. I, being partially supported by parents, was always happy to help her in any way i could. Sometimes i would be grouchy and she would take this the wrong way, thinking i was being derogatory to her. So, about a month ago, (on labor day) we had a huge fight in the street mainly due to me being immature and spiteful that day. She left for 3 days and wouldnt come home. i had no way to contact her and it was probably the hardest thing i've ever experienced. Soon after, i convinced her to come back home to me and she did. We decided we'd give it a go and see how it went again. I said i would take the semester off and move home so i could give her some physical space to herself so she could work on her life getting on track and i would work on my personality. So we spent the next 3 weeks together and things seemed great to me. we were getting a long a lot better and i thought things were gonna be great. Then one day i get home, i call her and she says things just arent going to work out, that she doesnt have any feelings for me anymore, which i find hard to believe no matter how much she believes it. I think she doesnt really know what she wants in life and is lost, as she has told me before that she is lost. All i want is to get her back because i know deep down that we are perfect for each other. I would sacrifice anything for her, as i already have by leaving school and NYC. Please, I just want to know how to woo her back into my life and show her that i am a great guy for her, and that I love her.What should i do? I'm afraid I already messed up some chances by being very attached and needy at the beginning of the breakup. I stopped emailing her and stuff so she would have time to miss me, and now i'm just waiting. I know i need more time, it hasnt been long enough, but what should i do next?thanks!
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debt, fell in love, immature, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Shingi +, writes (24 October 2008):
Of course things are going to take time...at least you are making an effort. Yipee!!!
Heard of "wishful interpretation", I use it most of the times, whenever a friends narrates something and say "don't you think he meant this/ I saw him looking from the corner of the eye/ I bumped into him at the library, he knows i sit there after class", in short he/ she was giving some signals... and all i say is it might be true but always think of it as your "WISHFUL INTERPRETATION", if she actually likes you she'll either tell you or give you a huge hint, leaving no scope for any (wishful)guesses, and till the time she doesn't, don't please yourself/ be hopeful. coz it'll hurt you later.
You indeed liked this girl, no doubt, but then who knows you may like someone/many more.. just approach life with an open mind.. and most important be happy!!!
I am sure you'll find someone too good, I just know it!!!
A
male
reader, rudy~and~riley +, writes (23 October 2008):
rudy~and~riley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I have been trying to occupy myself productively. Practicing my trumpet, going to my new job, and mostly meeting a lot of new girls. I've had a lot of success, a few dates, but it sucks because every girl I see, I compare to her and they don't stand up to her. I have realized that life goes on and altough I love her, it's not meant to happen, or at least not now.
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A
female
reader, Shingi +, writes (23 October 2008):
The girl is confused!!! She doesn't know what she wants.. (happens to most of us). Or know what, she doesn't want anything intimate.Women are like that-CONFUSED.
But why should you suffer??? You had a nice date, and I am glad. But you need to come out of it now. Please!!!
Don't try hard not to think of her..it had a reverse effect altogether, just think about other things.
Rudy please next time I see your reply you'll tell me all the other good things you did during the week, okay??
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A
male
reader, rudy~and~riley +, writes (14 October 2008):
rudy~and~riley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshingi-
i got her to agree to go out with me on a date, a late birthday celebration. At first things were terrible, she was yelling at me and being a b*tch. Then something happened, it was a complete 360 degree turn, and she was lovey dovey again, in a way, she wasnt acting cold at least. WE got really close, and i even got to kiss her and hold her, and we drank her favorite beer and we had a swell night. then she and i walked down the street and she told me she wanted flowers. Now i dont know if i'm just being stupid, but i always thought when a girl wanted flowers, it meant something, you know? so we finish the date, and i give her a kiss good night. A few nights later i go over to our old place to get a few things i had left, and this is when she told me it wouldnt ever work out again. I just dont get it! why would she open my heart again just to hurt me? i know she's not that kind of girl, she is usually loving and caring to everyone, but to me she is so hot/cold/hot/cold, you know?
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A
female
reader, Shingi +, writes (10 October 2008):
One more thing when a relationship starts it like " we were always meant to be together"-but soon it loses the passion and its then we think where it stands. She was impressed by your talent but then that talent couldn't keep her for long, or even if she loved you once she realized its not the same now. Feelings change.. give your self some time you may too start feeling differently.
Rudy if you wanna think about her you may. Even if you want her back and if she were to come back she will, nothing you would do/ not do won't affect it. It has to be her decision.
I am really sorry for you and I know sitting here we all can be practical and ask you to forget her and get on with life, but buddy that is what will keep you happy.
One last thing if you want , you may talk to her and ask her what is it that went wrong? does she need more time???
But honestly nothing positive will come out of it.
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A
female
reader, Shingi +, writes (10 October 2008):
Rudy,
I know it hurts but sweetie just give yourself some time.. maybe you'll realize that it was all passion and nothing more..see you have stayed with her for some time, so it's obvious you'll miss her, but don't let this feeling ruin you.
Okay tell me this are you active in sports/ outside activities?? If not, then please do.. try it for a month, You might even want to think about her/ and how things were, but just flush it out( for a month), do whatever you can get hands on.. anything- hiking/ biking/ singing....
And one thing I'll add from experience, there have been times when I felt devastated, because of broken relationships. It always felt so perfect then but now when I look back I realize, glad it happened, cause its only now that I can realise -life's so much better now, It had so much good stored in for me.. and there I was just giving up on everything.
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A
male
reader, rudy~and~riley +, writes (2 October 2008):
rudy~and~riley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand if i give her space and the time she needs, do girls come back if they once really loved you?
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A
male
reader, rudy~and~riley +, writes (2 October 2008):
rudy~and~riley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlet me also add that i am a very talented musician being recognized in the nyc jazz scene. she really fell in love with my playing, and she would always tell me how much she loved hearing me play and how it would make her feel. she said the first time she heard me play it made her w*t. we bonded because of art and i dont know what happened to us.
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A
male
reader, rudy~and~riley +, writes (2 October 2008):
rudy~and~riley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, yes, i did leave school for her but the plan was for me to go home so she could have more space. I initially left because of this and the fact that she said there was still something there that could be saved if we were completley away from each other so she could get finances under control. I have a full scholarship and a job, and they would only help me if if i was out of money or needed something badly. we lost some of the passion we had when we moved in together, and although there was always a spark, it was much more emotional than physical. of course, i would love to have sex with her, but it mainly became a relationship of the minds, although we did cuddle every night and we both got great pleasure from that. I'm afraid to lose her, honestly, because the way things happened it felt like we'd always be there for each other. she basically stopped having any friends because we spent so much time together. All i want is for her life to get better because then i know she will possibly want a relationship again, but i'm so afraid to see her with someone else, how that would make me feel, you know? i think i would be devistated to see her holding hands with another when i know that it is my hand that belongs in hers.
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A
female
reader, Shingi +, writes (2 October 2008):
So you left school for her!!! Wow!!!
I guess you even wrote that you are "partially dependent " on your parents. Sweetie how would you support someone when you are not independent, and leaving school doesn't help much.
It was good you gave her the space and time to figure out her life, you mentioned things are messed up with her right now, so please let her clean up her own mess!! May be she made an extravagant statement that she doesn't love you anymore, but the truth is both of you need time-
She's a talented girl so trust me sooner or later she'll be recognized but what about you- at 18 it was commendable that you were at school, but what now?? where is your life moving?? If you really want to be with her, take care of her, then at least be capable.
I understand things are tough for you now, specially as it hasn't been long, give yourself some time- and evaluate what is it that you are missing- is it sex and passion or something more. And one thing I would wanna add, when we are 18 and in love we feel we would "Sacrifice" anything for our girl, but life doesn't go on like that. What did u get out of leaving school- extra time with her, huh? Was it worth giving up the schooling which would reap benefits for ages to come. One more thing- whose financing your education?? Your parents??? If yes than one thing I can tell you that they must have "Sacrificed" a lot for that, and yes their cause was very worth it. And I think somewhere you love them too, right??
- shingi
http://iknowithurts.blogspot.com/
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A
male
reader, darren1111  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 get on with your life, its hard when you care or love someone but you have to let it be, if she has any feelings for you and wants to be with you she will contact you, but dont put your life on hold, occupy yourself and keep busy, you know you cant make someone love and want you, be a success in your life dont let this get you down, best wishes
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