A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Warning this is going to be a looong post as this is a long story. Basically, me and my boyfriend (both mid-20s) have been together for nearly three years now. At first, our relationship was quite hard as his best friend is a girl and their relationship is incredibly close, which I found difficult to deal with at times. Eventually I got used to the idea, it became a bit easier, and she grew to like me. My boyfriend is very ambitious and sometimes dreams a bit too much, about what he wants to achieve and do with his life. Travelling alone in Asia was one of these things. I found this difficult to deal with also, but because I love him, I let him do it. So in September 2009 he went on his merry way. We were both devastated to be apart and our relationship became extremely powerful trust-wise. He emailed me every day for five months while he was there, and when I finally went to meet him in the last stages of his trip, he asked me to marry him. I said yes and everything was fantastic. It was only after that that the problems started re-surfacing again. He easily makes friends with girls rather than boys because he is a sweet, easygoing hippy type and girls think he’s cute. He met a few good friends when he was travelling and they were mainly women. I had no problem with this at all, but he is so stupid, he doesn’t realise when these girls a blatantly flirting with him on face book etc. it has been a common argument with us because they will message him for all to see, calling him baby etc! :mad: obviously, this made me jealous and slightly suspicious. I trust him completely and I know for a fact that he would never cheat on me and that these girls are just like that. I myself would never face book an engaged boy with these statements cus i know what they do to a girl! but anyhow, i swallowed it and dealt with it. Then in august 2010, he suddenly became distant with me within a week or two. I sat him down and probed him as to why he was moping and sullen. eventually i asked him if he was considering breaking up with me and he said yes. I was devastated as he told me he didn’t feel the same about me anymore. The next two months were very difficult for me as we are doing the same degree at uni so we saw each other every day. I knew he still loved me and then one day he came to my work wanting to speak to me and begged me to give him another chance. I said yes and things were great again. I continued to put up with his female friends, and even let him got to visit them in London (there was a guy there too also). But still my annoyance over their messages to him won’t go away. I even caught him ogling a picture of one of them in a bikini, which didn’t help!! Then last week things came to a head when, i was drunk and saw a message on face book where he was telling one of them he loved her (in a platonic way), and stupidly checked his private box as it upset me. There was nothing incriminating, apart from the annoying fact that he called one of them honey bunny and said he missed her loads.I exploded and his best friend heard me ranting about how upset i was. We have recently booked a holiday together in Italy and he expressed a desire to meet up with another friend there. I have no problem with this, but as I was drunk and an idiot, i said that it disgusted me and he had no right to. He was extremely annoyed at me understandably, because i told his friend and bugged her to tell him what i had said. Now, he thinks i have no trust in him and thinks the future is bleak for us. I love him dearly and told him that i don’t want to break up and i apologized for my behaviour. i might add at this point that he often says stupid things and has upset me a few times when he is drunk, too. I have been struggling with stress over the past few weeks. I suspected I have depression, which was triggered by the death of my father and my mother's heart condition. He doesn't believe depression exists and that it isn't my fault or his fault that this has happened. He said he needed time to think because all of a sudden he isn't sure whether he loves me or not, AGAIN! And he said he though we should "take it easy" and that this has been building for weeks.I didn't understand as it has been good since we got together, and he arranged a surprise party for my bday and got me lots of lovely gifts the week before! So he went to work and i didn’t contact him, as i was giving him space. I was going out with friends that night and suddenly he text me wanting to know where i was going. I told him and he text back something nonchalant and ignored my next message. I went out, had a good time and left him to it the next day. He didn't text me either and I was going out with another old friend i hadn't seen in ages last night. We ended up in our regular pub and i saw his best friend there. I thought she didn't see me and got nervous as i knew he would be there and paranoid that he would think i was following him around like a lost puppy. I went to the loo, while I was in there she came in and was wandering around on her phone, and immediately left, again I thought she didn't see me. Then as i left the loo, he was there, sitting directly in front of the loos! he wasn’t there before! I hurriedly went past as he wasn’t looking as i would just get upset if i tried to talk to him again, and i wanted to discuss our problem in private without being drunk. We went to sit at the back out of sight, and then the best friend suddenly came marching over again "not seeing” me with her phone and had a cigarette in the beer garden near we were sat. It was at this point I sussed, or thought i sussed, that she was being sent around the pub to look where i was and was texting him about it! Would she be so silly to do that? (She's done stuff like that before though) It was unusual that he didn’t go for a cigarette either. She left after that and he was nowhere to be seen, i didn’t even see him leave. I dont know whether he was upset to see me as he still loves me and made her do that because he was upset, or whether he was annoyed that I was there after not contacting him and left as he thought i was not giving him space. I’m so confused and I do love him ever so much.All i wanted to do was rush and cuddle him as i saw him, but i thought he would be mad at me as he shunned affection last time we talked. Why does he keep changing his mind?? I’ve tried to explain that long-term relationships are hard and that over time the excitement factor isn’t what it was in the honeymoon phase. But he’s so stubborn and once he gets an idea in his head, he is hesitant to change it. Childish I know, but i love him. What should i do.? Continue to cease contact after last night's weirdness? Or arrange a chat? I have until Tuesday when i have to see him again in class, and if i dont talk to him before then i think it will make things worse... I desperately dont want to break up with him: sad: Sorry for the length, you need all the detail to understand I think.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Moteazy  +, writes (2 January 2012):
@*ovesucks
u are so right about the guy being a Sagittarius. (good guess) I am currently dating a Saggy guy, I am Capricorn and I don't know what to think anymore. Today he is cold, tomorrow he is hot. It's just gets so annoying. (He says he loves me, talks about marriage but his action doesn't match his words... He wants freedom, doesnt call often or text either)
I have not texted or called him in three days now. He texted me to ask why am ignoring him and I haven't replied and I won't.
@OP, your guy am guessing is a Sagittarius (I might be wrong tho) Just give him some space. If he comes back to you, fine. If not, maybe it wasn't meant to be. Move on, it is hard I know but then u don't want to stick around a guy that doesn't give a s**t
Goodluck
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Arrange a chat and tell him you need a decision. Even in your 20's, you shouldn't be hanging on to a thread wondering where this relationship is going to go. It sounds like the only possible behavior he had shown in three years that is questionable is calling a female "honey bunny", saying he missed someone and looking at a girl in a bikini (as a guy, girl in a bikini, we look). He makes friends with girls, but it doesn't sound as if he was unfaithful to you in his friendships. Guys can be blinded to the flirtatious attempts by other girls. I know, because I have been. I was at a bar waiting for my girlfriend I had at that time, with her friend. Another female said hi. Her friend said it seemed this other girl wanted to head to a motel right then. I was like, "no way, whatever." She shared with me the way she said hi said that to her. It made me wonder how many times that had happened that I never noticed or payed attention to those subtle hints.
Here's what I think. He's blind to their advances because he was with you. When your truly with someone, what others do toward you doesn't seem to really click, or matter. I can tell in these ups and downs that you have some self esteem issues that you need to face. Your insecurities are not his issue, but they have been affecting the direction of your relationship. You've come to terms with some, but then they surface again. I told my ex who I loved very much, who also had self esteem issues, that if I was in a room with 100 naked girls, they would go untouched because she was who I desired. You need to give him the trust and faith that he saw you the same way. Therefore, you were creating an issue that factually didn't exist. This can be hard on him, and make him question the longevity of your being together. When you act in that manner, you may see it as being insecure, but he may see it as your not trusting him.
A big problem in relationships is feeling entitled to that person. You are not. You trust he'll be with you, and you with him, but that is a choice you two make. Either one of you can change your choice at any time, and have the right to do so. If you treat it this way, and were cheated on, you then have other choices. You can forgive or you can leave. Don't create the possibility that something may happen, without having the evidence that something has. Think back throughout your relationship and how much time was spent worrying about what could happen if he made a choice to be with someone else. All that time that was wasted that you could have spent loving each other. If you two stay together, how the relationship is managed needs to change. If you revert back to the same ole way of doing things, the same outcome will end up happening.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, love sux  +, writes (25 April 2011):
is he a saggittarius ???? Because i have the exact same situation ,, though some details are different ....please reply ,, i really want to know ..And the way i can tell is that you love him but he doesn't know it .. i think you both shouLd stay a time apart to realise the truth ,, well it's just an opinion .. I'm not too experienced in this matter ,, so think on your own before following ....I'm looking forward for your reply ,, i just want to know his sun sign ,,,, nd if u can thn tell me urs too :) :)
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