A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have recently come out of a 3 year relationship not knowing who I am or what I did wrong. He was very controlling, I gave up my job, and alot of my friends. Its not that he stopped me, it was just easier that way. Everything that was wrong was always turned into my fault and he really does think that he is a perfect boyfriend. Once when I left he burnt everything I owned, and I still went back because he said he would change and I believed he would. He did for a few months but then it starts all over again. Eventually I moved out but still carried on seeing him, then the ultimatums started. The thing is he has such a loving caring side too and everyone (although not my friends and family) think he is great. Is it my fault as the more I stood up to him the worse it got? He says its me with the problems, is it? I have been told i deserve so much better so why do I still feel this pull towards him and that my life is over without him, or that I will never love anyone again like I loved him? Why do I feel like I have failed to support him when he obviously has issues and needs help? Why cant i let go completely and get out off this horrible roller coaster of feeling so loved to feeling so worthless? Does he know he is doing it? Does he do it on purpose, and why does he want to hurt someone that simply wanted a normal life with the man she loved? Please help someone?
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female
reader, klou +, writes (26 November 2008):
I too am in relationship that almost mirrors yours, I started seeing him about 14 months ago and in that time we have split up 4 times. (Did we even have a honeymoon period?) Its a constant cycle of us getting on fabulous to him turning difficult, awkward, stubborn and unreasonable. He nevers sees any fault in himself and he tries to tell me I am to blame for everything. He is hotheaded, storms out, there is never a chance to discuss any situation unless I apologise first for something is clearly not my fault. My family and friends thnk I am way too good for him and thinks he has serious issues. He knows its from his upbringing and sometimes agrees he may have a personality disorder, he has just started counselling.... yet as I type this we have fallen out yet again because I want him to be able to get on with my family. (he wont speak to my sister as she told him what she thinks, that was 5 months ago- and he says unless she apolgises she can rot). Im 34, want children and to settle down,he promises me all of this and for that reason I have stayed with him out of worry of being childless. He wants me to move 5 hours away ..as we get on better "when its just me and him" - I think I am crazy as he probably will never change. Youre better off without him! And I need to sort my mess out - Im reading everyone elses answers for help! x good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): Hi
Life can be a roller coaster of up and down like you say, however it often is not just the OTHER person to blame!!!!!
we too have to take some responsibility, fight or not fight, stay or go, trust or not trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all the responses I have had. I know he is bad and that I am better off without him. I have never been in a relationship like this before and four years ago would not have realised how soul destroying and difficult it is and how hard it is to break free. I just thought if i loved him enough and made him feel secure he would change, but im realising he cant change as he does not accept he has a problem. He has text me calling me damaged goods, which to be honest I feel like i am at the moment. Now his attitude has changed and he is telling me he cant live without me, he is depressed, he loves me so much and i will never find anyone to have a bond like what we did. I have not heard from him for two days now I have told him to leave me alone, but it hurts so much and I should be releived. I try to remember all the horrible things he has said and done and hold on to that instead of thinking of the nice times. I have booked to see a therapist today and really am trying to move forward. I know no one can do this for me but when will my love for him die? Once again I cant say how grateful I am for your thoughts and opionions. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): I am in a relationship just like yours. My boyfriend is a controlling, manipulative asshole too! He cannot be pleased and thinks that the world revolves around him and his schedule. He tells me what to do, what NOT to wear, when to speak and when to shut up. Yes, I love him too. I have left him and come back to him because things are always going to be different... RIGHT!
My advice to you is to love him from a distance. Stay away from this man. Stay out of his arms and out of his bed. C'mon... your man and my man do not truly know what love is. We both deserve better and are entitled to it. I'm in my 40's. I look 30, am blessed to have a nice figure, and I have a heart as big as Texas. There are men out there somewhere who are dying to meet women like you and me.
I don't know about you, sister, but I'm ready to have MY life back. I also quit a job and moved 1700 miles away from my friends and family. He doesn't even allow me to talk to them. "F" him! It took me awhile to figure out that it was okay for ME to be selfish. I realized that I love myself, my friends, and my family a LOT more than I love him.
So... I'm outa here. I'm going back to things that made ME happy and made me feel secure. I'm not even offering him the "courtesy goodbye." He's an intelligent man. I'm sure he will figure it out and be on to the next woman that will let him bully her around.
Love yourself first... you will be alright and SO WILL I!!!
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A
male
reader, Matt D +, writes (3 November 2008):
 I agree with previous responses that you're in an abusive relationship.
The quality of our relationships is seen to be paramount to our self-worth, happiness and general mental wellbeing. In my experience it's difficult to see the connection between your mood and your relationships, it just happens that one affects the other.
The difficulty with an abusive relationship is that your self-esteem lowers as a result, meaning that the relationship makes itself acceptable. If you didn't have this relationship dragging you down, you would probably think your partners behaviour was unacceptable and you might have confidence that you could do better.
Why does he hurt you: probably fear. Your average control freak has to maintain the illusion that they are in control of their environment at all times or they are overwhelmed with a fear for their safety they have had since a young age. Such fear comes about regularly because living is, in reality, fraught with uncertainty and unpredictable situations. Since this is a powerful, overwhelming fear, control freaks tend to become heavily childish and irrational when trying to satisfy their particular need: manipulating, lying, bullying, burning their partners belongings in your case. Often they will subject their partners to persistent abuse to try and make them more malleable and thus less frightening to them.
Although I'm talking about childhood fears here I'm not talking about something you should handle with kid gloves. If somebody chooses to behave unreasonably with you then you have to set your boundaries. With a control freak you have to be very firm and consistent indeed. Often you will need to shout back and have long protracted arguments since control freaks work hard to become good at arguing. This is something I have plenty of experience with.
I personally do not recommend that you continue your relationship. Abuse in relationships tends to escalate over time and it could become more vicious and perhaps physical. The strong feelings can become addictive and abused partners can start to exhibit the same behaviours as those with conventional addictions. If you find you are in an abusive relationship, please take a look around the material on the internet. Learn from the mistakes of others and do not wait to see how bad it can get.
If you cannot find the strength to get out, consider talking to a therapist who could help you get a better perspective on your situation. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (2 November 2008):
 I believe this guy is highly manipulative and not good for your well being. He is not a person that you can reason with easely because he does not put himself into quistion.
Yes I do think he knows what he is doing and he is doing it on purpose. The problem is with this type is that they justify everything they do, no matter how wrong it is, plus they come off as being very convincing, so you belive it and feel horrible after. He proberly has imoderate pride which makes you in a way feel proud and important being with him, feeling loved etc. I think most proberly he has a personalty disorder which has never been confirmed.
You must terminate this relationship, don't let him mess with you.
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