A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I make my husband fancy me?Hi, I had a baby just under 12 weeks ago and obviously my body is not what it was, I put on more than 50% of my body weight while pregnant (from 9 stone to 14 stone) and still weigh 2 stone more than I'd like. Plus I have a belly full of stretchmarks and as I am breastfeeding my previously very decent bosoms are now huge, veiny, lopsided and leak milk ... not nice! Also due to having a very tough time while pregnant (I couldn't work and had to give up my hobbies) I feel like I have lost my personality under all the blubber. Plus I am very time poor and often don't have time to put on make-up or do my hair etc.Personally I wouldn't have a problem with my new body and I realise having a brand new baby (and nobody close to me who can babysit even for half an hour) means I am not going to be back working full time, running my business or "playing" at my hobbies, as for the personal grooming I never did much before but was blessed with being fairly attractive, (now sadly I am pretty hideous due to sleep deprivation and hormones!)My problem is my husband no longer fancies me, it's not the "he now sees me as a mother" thing, in fact initially I think he fancied me more (we were doing the business 15 days after the birth.)It is - I think - simply shallowness on his part, he feels that I should have got myself back on track by now, because when I was pregnant (before realising quite how much work single handedly caring for a new baby entailed) I said I'd be at least down to a size 10 (UK) by now (I'm 14/16.) Half the week my husband doesn't stay with us, when he does stay in the marital home he spends half the time in the spare room so the baby doesn't disturb him - so he spends roughly 2 nights out of every 8 in bed with me and then although he hugs me he rarely wants sex and when he does it's obvious that it is simply coz he can't "DIY" in the bed next to me. So exhaustion (on his part) can not be blamed.I know he has the problem, I know I am only 3 months into this new life, I know the baby needs to be a priority, I know I am breastfeeding so although I am trying to eat healthily I can not diet and I know that I need to get a life, ignore him and he'll come crawling when he knows what he is missing, or he won't but never mind I can commit adultery. Also I do have plans, I am doing a parachute jump this summer and I am going to baby dance classes starting this week, also I've started to go out with my friends and the baby or have them visit me, so it's not like I sit in watching tv all day.Unfortunately knowing all this doesn't actually do any good because my self esteem is completely shot. Despite all that I have written against him my husband isn't actually a bully, he's just obviously repulsed by me, he tries hard not to show it, he pecks me on the cheek, he cuddles me, he says he loves me, but he obviously doesn't find me attractive and I feel that if my own husband doesn't fancy me I must be seriously gross (even though I know in the sane part of my mind I'm not that bad.)When the attraction goes does it ever come back? What can I do to make him fancy me again? (other than losing the weight and getting my life back - which will take time as I have no childcare and I can't just leave him for an hour with my husband as I'm 40 minutes away from the nearest town so a gym class would see me gone 3 hours - too long when feeding a baby on demand.I don't want to leave my husband as it wouldn't be fair on him or his son. Also I am practically living like a single parent as it is, no point doing it for real as it isn't as though I am likely to pull when I never see other people and I have a tiny baby.I know I am sort of at fault as I am fat, ugly and boring and I know he is sort of at fault as he should turn the lights out and pretend to fancy me if he really loves me - but I haven't got a clue what to do to try and make things right again.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Why can't your husband help out with the baby? This is a baby you've had together, not one you had autonomous of him. That means he needs to be helping out. If you literally can't even have a few hours to yourself, there's a huge problem. He should not be sleeping in another room so the baby won't wake him up, he should be taking turns getting up in the middle of the night to feed his child. Your husband is being a selfish jerk. Babies are not only the woman's job. You sound like you've had to give up pretty much everything while he can't even be bothered to help feed his own kid in the middle of the night.
You don't sound like you've let yourself go at all. What your husband would call fat most of the world would consider normal baby weight. Even big celebrities like Beyoncé and Hilary Duff gained weight after childbirth and they have personal trainers, nutritionists, and all the money to hire childcare that they could want. And they still gained weight, and are still at that weight, months after having a baby.
Your husband is a selfish jerk. He's behaving in such an awful way I'd say he should consider getting professional help for his narcissism. I don't see how you could possibly stay with such a person. Do you have relatives you could stay with who could help with your baby since your husband clearly is incapable of experiencing empathy.
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