A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife has started a new job recently that is very exciting and potentially lucrative for her. She works from home a lot or from the offices of others. The problem is that the people she works with are 90% male. She would say she is a very strong person, a man-hating feminist, but in reality I think she is a fairly weak person when it comes to members of the opposite sex. She hasn't cheated on me, but before she met me she was rather quick to jump in the sack with men she found attractive. I wouldn't say she was not discriminating at all, but maybe a lot less discriminating than I am. For instance, she had a tendency to sleep with friends and excuse it as "just once or twice when we were both drunk." I never really realized how weak she was until now when we started having problems and I think back to when I met her and I realize that her history is not good when it comes to "friends with benefits." In fact, I think I started as a friend with benefits in her mind (not in mine), except that I fell in love with her and her with me.As part of her work, she now flirts with (and is flirted with by) lots of men. These are not men she meets once, but men she has to work with for maybe 6 months at a time until a new project comes up. So there is potential for a lot of repeated contact at most of it is outside of a traditional workplace. It has been just about 9 months on the job so far and she has already had at least 2 instances (that I know of - I suspect 3) where she developed a crush on someone. These crushes don't lead anywhere, but they are problematic for me.For one thing, I am now in a constant state of jealousy and suspicion of her. I don't like living like this and I don't like being like this. I know she doesn't like me like this either. She doesn't understand what the problem is and thinks I am too insecure and controlling, but I think she has crossed the line more than once now between coworkers and a potential for something more.We fight about this now and it is affecting our relationship. Today I had the day off of work and she was on the phone with about 4 different men for 30-45 minutes each and now she wants to go away for a weekend to a conference (she will not be overnight - she will come home at night) last-minute. She is lamenting that there was a party tonight which opened the conference that she missed, too. I had totally different expectations for this weekend. This was not how I want to spend my day off, ruminating about imagined indiscretions developing. This is not how I want to live my life. If this is her chosen career I am not sure I can handle it long-term. I know that sounds really selfish and petty. I am really, really TRYING to be supportive but she keeps giving me excuses to be jealous and insecure. I know I cannot ask her to quit, because that's a no-win. Either she will and resent me forever or she won't and I will go crazy with jealousy. How can I handle these feelings and how can I get across to her that my concerns are founded and that I need her to set some more boundaries and somewhat alter her behavior. One thing she told me is that this is how her career has always been, but that the difference now is that it is all in my face versus at the office. That might be true. I don't know. It was her way of saying that she has never strayed before so she won't now, but on me it had the opposite effect which is that if I knew she had been carrying on like this for years now I would have probably already asked her to draw a line somewhere.I feel like I need to vent to a therapist, but I also need her to take my concerns more seriously. I wrote her a long letter telling her how much I love her and need her and talking about her work and my jealousy issues and so on - I stayed up until 2am writing it - and when she read it her response was "Aw, that's sweet." Given that she spends hours writing, texting, and e-mailing these other men which she has admittedly developed a crush on (at least a couple) I felt very neglected. If she had time to write one sentence only that wasn't really the sentence I'd want to hear. I'd want to hear something like "I love you, too. Don't worry so much."I am slowly going crazy here and I am starting to think about leaving her over this as it is affecting me so much! That's nuts, I know!
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cheated on me, co-worker, crush, drunk, fell in love, flirt, friend with benefits, insecure, jealous, text, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 June 2011):
Unfortunately I think the time may have come for you to seriously consider leaving her. You've already done everything you can do. You've told her clearly how you feel, and more than once. she's not lacking for information.
She just doesn't feel invested in your relationship, or she feels more invested in other people.
Unfortunately you can't make someone feel differently. And by wanting her to alter her behavior - even if she did, that probably wouldn't change her underlying feelings. She'd probably alter her behavior reluctantly or resentfully.
I think your wife has shown where she stands on this marriage. If you can't accept this - and certainly being a nervous wreck is no way to live - then maybe you should consider leaving her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Go to counseling.
"As part of her work, she now flirts with (and is flirted with by) lots of men."
That is not part of work, flirting that is. Flirting is simply announcing attraction and possible availability as well as announcing a desire for an approving response.
Nothing more, nothing less.
People who do this invariably end up cheating, in one way or another, because sooner or later someone gives a response that leads to it, usually when things are rough at home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): I agree with your assessment of her. She is weak when it comes to men because she desperately wants their approval. When she claims she doesn’t like or trust them what she really means is she doesn’t trust herself in her dealings with them.
As long as your wife pretends she doesn’t understand your concern (and she IS pretending) and as long as you’re prepared to keep explaining it to her, the status quo is going to continue. This Little Bo Peep act is just buying her more time.
Regardless of how justified you may be trying to convince HER to change is pointless. You’re just setting yourself up to be dismissed as insecure and accused of trying to control her.
The only thing your wife needs to know is what you think of all this and what you’re prepared to do to protect yourself from further hurt. Keep it fairly short and sweet. Without asking for or expecting any explanations from her, simply tell her that you interpret her actions as a sign of diminished interest in you. And since you have no desire to be with someone you’re not absolutely certain wants to be with you, you will be re-evaluating your investment in this relationship. Speak in a calm and quiet voice. That way she really has to pay attention to hear you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): well i think that if she does cheat try to prove it but slowly while taking her stuff just kidding u shouldnt worry to much but dont lose sight of the fact that she works with guys who probably like all guys have cravings know wat im saying so just dont drop ur gaurd and ull be fine
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): It's a touch situation. I think that either you two need to go to couples counseling together, or else you need individual counseling to help you change the way you think about this, and if both dont' work then you need to leave her.
I'm sorry but I don't really know what else to say. you've told her how you feel already and this is her response. Not much else you can do. Stomping louder and becoming more demanding (or more whiny whichever is your tendency) will only make things worse. You've done as much as you could which is telling her honestly how much it bothers you, and this is her response so I don't think there's more you can do.
and then now you're looking back at her history with contempt - calling her weak and so on, have you considered that maybe you're every bit as weak? maybe you finally realize you've made a mistake in marrying her. You should have seen this coming. either she deceived you when you were dating (her fault), or you were also weak and closed your eyes to the truth (your fault).
If it's the latter it's not fair to blame her now. She hasn't changed her behavior, just that suddenly you no longer accept it.
so I think all you can do is ask her if she will go to couples counseling with you. If so, then you can work it out there or hash it out there. If she wont' go, then you should go get counseling for yourself and if that doesnt' help you then need to leave her.
I don't know you or your wife but my opinion is that she has fallen out of love with you and maybe this happened long ago already you just didn't know it until now. if she was in love with you she wouldn't be interested in flirting with other men. have you been a good husband to her up til now?
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