A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has verbally abused and verbally abused and verbally abused me for months. He blamed it on the fact that he was going through a rough time in his Life and that it would pass as soon as he found a job.He has found a job and it hasn't stopped. He accuses me of wanting to be with his best friend. Last night, the two couples (ours and our friends) were eating dinner and I passed the bowl of rice to his friend and apparently I did it in a 'sexual way'. We get back home and I tried to calm down because this is not an uncommon occurrence and I know that for myself to keep my temper down, I need to separate myself from him. So I went into the closet and was doing some research on effects of emotional abuse just so that I can try to realize how deep I am and that I am not alone. He pushed his way in the closet and looked at what I was doing then continued to say "I don't need you anymore. Get out of my house and remember that you're the one leaving me. I love you and you keep hurting me"...but the thing is...is that I would never dream of being unfaithful. I have never been unfaithful and I never will be unfaithful. On Saturday night, he kicked me three times in the back as I was crying on the floor (in the closet - my apparent sanctuary) and because he was so drunk he does not remember doing it, so he denies that it ever happened. That is the only time he has ever physically touched me in the way to harm me. But is is possible that emotional damage can sometimes cause more harm than physical damage? I can not bring myself to leave because he will say "remember, I won't miss you, you're the one who doesn't love me. you're the one leaving me"...which deep down I know is the RIGHT thing to do because I am perpetually in emotional danger...he calls me a whore at least every two or three days, tells me degrading things about my genitalia and then gets angry when I won't have intercourse with him, tells me that I am an unfaithful whore, falsely accuses me of wanting to be with ANYone else other than him...and I have tried and tried to see if I am doing anything that could possibly be misconstrued or painful...but all I have is pure, true, honest love...Back to last night, after he called me a whore and came into the closet, I quietly asked him to leave and he finally* (really, FINALLY) did. So I allowed the tears to flow because he was not in the closet. I called a domestic abuse hotline to just unload my feelings and he heard me speaking on the phone and pushed his way into the closet again, saw that I had hung up the phone, didn't believe me when I told him who it was, called the number back and started to make a joke of the woman who he was speaking to, asking her about what anal sex should feel like, and then left the closet again. I stayed in the closet to calm myself down, because I had done a good job of keeping my temper low at this point...and he came in *again* and started accusing me of 'passing the rice bowl like I wanted to f*ck his friend'. It sounds so petty, but this is what it is like every 48 hours for me - or sometimes not even that long. And I felt so cornered that I lashed out on him and hit his back very hard, raised my voice, saying that I could not believe how he was hurting me by saying these things and that I would never dream of being with someone else. I am humiliated that I hit him. Absolutely humiliated. He said that he is going to sue me (he is a lawyer) for physical damage and then broke my glasses - and since I do not have health insurance, I now have no glasses, nor contacts, nor insurance to go to the eye doctor to get more. I packed my things at this point and asked him to go to sleep and he wouldn't. He would come in my face and say the same things over and over and over. I felt so cornered and trapped that I went back into the closet to calm down because I did not want to freak out again. I laid on the floor and when he tried to push his way in, I kicked the door to keep it closed, therefore breaking my toe - but again, no health insurance, and becoming even more embarrassed at my actions. He said taht if I left that it was because I don't love him. Why am I in this vicious cycle and reacting the way that I am, and I feel powerless to do anything? Please, please, please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sailor__67  +, writes (22 December 2008):
!!!Do It Now!!!You have no time to build up the courage and the way he works is to break your confidence down, so as long as you are with him he will continue this pattern to dominate you.This is a very similar situation to what happened to my beautiful partner who was previously married to a physically and mentally abusive man for years.She was lucky to have the strength to finally get out as the abuse had spiraled and violence had become worse. It got to the point where he threw a knife at her that stuck in her leg and on another occasion pushed her through a plate glass window where she cut some tendons.He would often apologise after the incidents and promise to get help (then later refuse saying he didn't need it), but as soon as things had returned to normal, the cycle would repeat until a insignificant incident like innocently looking at or saying hello to a man would spark him off, yet he would be the nicest guy in public and fool others into thinking he was Mr Wonderful.She ended up leaving to save the kids (they had them (3) very young as teenagers). Now, 10 years later, her life has blossomed and his has crumbled. She grew strong and successful, and he (as bullies are) was always weak.Get the support you need, from family, friends, neighbours. Write a statement detailing the approximate dates, times and circumstances of all mental or physical abuse, get a restraining order if he gets violent and use the domestic abuse help services to get out and stay out.The critical thing is you have to decide on a turning point, where you choose a path without him, walk away, keep walking and never look back.
A
male
reader, herc  +, writes (7 October 2008):
Leave him. Run away. Get out. What a bastard.
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A
male
reader, Ikey +, writes (7 October 2008):
Run and don't look back. Don't get your stuff out without friends. Even if you love each other this has gone to far and is unforgivable. Run away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Blanket +, writes (7 October 2008):
I had tears in my eyes when I read your story. The truth is that I think you feel sorry for him. You wanna prove to him that you are none of those things so you contiue to stay. Inside you know you deserve better cause you have made multiple attempts to stay. Don't feel sorry for the tears, the "I love you", or the "I'm sorry". Really get away this time. When you find a real man, you will hate yourself for spending so much time with a loser. If you want that man you are with, you will leave him and let him grow-up (but I doubt it if you will want him). He is so intimidated by you and jealous. If he can get your mind, he will have everything. For your mental peace, step aside and pray, asking God to deliver you out of the relationship. Remember, you gotta let God do it. When God delivers, don't go back.
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