A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm married with a two year old son. Around a year and a half ago, I became close to a female friend of mine, who is also married. This grew quickly and I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me. It kept growing and growing and got to the point that we could not see enough of each other, finding every spare moment to spend together and trying not to arouse suspicion amongst our partners. After around 9 months this turned physical. Soon after our partners found out. By this stage I was so in love with her that I told her that I would leave my wife to be with her. She decided not to do it, saying that she couldn't live with herself breaking up my family and she believed that in the long run it would be better for me to stay with my wife. This wasn't an easy decision for her and we made a date to end our relationship. I decided to move overseas with my wife and son as I felt like I could not set her free and set myself free if I remained close to her. I wanted her to be happy and live her life as she had planned it before I came along. We had many tearful farewells and I left.Now I have been overseas for four months. I feel completely lost and lonely. My every thought wants to be back with her. I've tried so hard to rekindle my love for my wife, but I feel nothing for her. I want the best for her and want her to be happy but I just can't love her and give her what she needs. She is determined to stay with me and although she has crucified and crucified me so much over being with my lover she still maintains her love for me. The other factor is my son. He is so happy, he loves life and he loves my wife and I. It would break his heart for us to be apart. But my heart is broken, I am such a mess...every day I just have to tell myself that I'm doing this for him and have to pretend to my wife that I love her and want to be with her. And I know back home, that my lover is dying inside too and wants me as much as I want her. She was brave and selfless to choose not to be with me. But I question every day whether it was really the right decision, and I'm sure she does too.I feel like I can never be happy again. I feel that I have no option but to suffer in silence and be with my wife for the good of my son. But this suffering is driving me into depression and I feel helpless and feel like giving in. I don't know what to do....please help....and please do not berate my for what has happened, just please help me build my future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): Another take on your situation. You are feeling sorry for yourself at this current moment. You also believe that you have been a martyr in this situation where you have given up your lover and moved miles away from her.
Although I am not going to berate you I want to however point out a few harsh truths and realities of the situation. You had an affair, you strayed and you got caught. You deceived your wife and your lover her husband.
I am sure your lover is a work colleague / “close friend”, and that you still have constant communication with her. This is still “cheating”. Investing in a marriage is just so much more than just time. You invest your life, your entire being, your everything in a relationship. Your wife did just that. And you, you only invested with your lover.
Yes affairs are exciting ,the thrill of forbidden fruit, the passion & romance. But it can also be devastating too. TO EVERYONE. You just found out the consequences of your actions. The 3 people in your marriage has to end, why / because marriage can only survive if there are only 2 people involved. And yet you continue to be the 3rd party in your lovers marriage and she in yours. You are leading to more betrayal and pain in you continue in this vein. Your lover became your drug, you could not function without her but know this drugs in any other forms are bad for you and your relationship with your lover was definitely harmful to you.
You are definitely the loser here. Your wife, as angry and hurt and betrayed as she is , is still trying. You can at least meet her half way. You are so caught up in your own need and emotions that you still make her an outsider in your life. The picture of sadness that you paint of your life does not even compare to what your wife is feeling, her thoughts and emotions are also in turmoil. Have you considered that. Her emotions are also festering, building and perhaps living on edge until she too can no longer give it her all in this relationship. I actually feel her pain and her sorrow more than you, why, you are longing for your lover, your lover who is now unattainable. But she, she is longer for her husband that is no longer hers. She is longing for the man that she loves to perhaps hold her in her arms and to tell her that it is going to be ok. I am certain that she still cries a million tears when you are not around. Remember, she too is living with a (now) stranger. Her ranting and raving about your affair is just her coping and her defense mechanism. The harsh words is what is getting her through her day. You must also also realize that it is hard on her, your actions and your behaviour has already indicated o her that you don’t want her, that you don’t want to be intimate with her, that you don’t want and need her. This is also devastating to her and her emotional wellbeing. In fact it is destroying her. For any individual to know that their partner is “forcing” some sort of feelings and just carrying on with them is totally devastating to the soul. As much as you are “suffering” by being away from your lover, what has that done to your wife? She cannot complain too much to you. You are not bordering on the point of indifference with your wife and that is so scary.
Yes, feel sorry for yourself but also feel sorry for the mess that you have created. You enjoyed the time with your lover, you in fact gave her YOUR ALL an NOT your wife. You have stolen precious, precious time from your wife. She cannot get that back. In fact she is slowly picking up the pieces of her marriage, slowly piecing back the pieces of the puzzle with you but you are now becoming indifferent and just tolerating her.
Mourn the loss of not only your lover, but mourn the loss of your wife’s feelings too. If you really, really try you can overcome the feelings of loss of the lover. After all she is trying to make it work with her husband and believe me that marriage right now cannot handle any more interference from you. Imagine what is going to happen when your lover does eventually have her baby with her husband. You really need to let it go. For your sanity, for the lovers, for her husband’s sake and ultimately for your wife’s. After all YOUR WIFE DESERVES it.
We all have choices, and we make our bed, so when we mess up we unfortunately have to pay the price. You paid by leaving your lover and choosing your wife and family. You have paid a big price so why stop now. Leave your lover to move on and so do you. This is the only way forward. You need to make that choice and you can. The question is, DO YOU?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I read here of such longing but also such obsession with your lover.
She has made her decision to stop her affair with you. It was a hard decision but a decision that she HAD to make. I think that you need to respect that decision. Yes you may love her but there was something that did not feel right therefore she chose to end the affair. Perhaps it was guilt feeling towards your wife or even her husband. Perhaps she knew that it can never be, and that her destiny was actually with her husband.
Unfortunately you wife will and have crucified you for your betrayal. Her total being has been ripped by your affair. Her world has come crushing down. You may have moved continents to try and salvage your marriage but your thought and your emotions haven’t. It is still with your lover. There are still 3 people in your marriage and the only thing that has changed is that you are no longer having sex with the OW. The very fiber of your being is still harbouring feelings for this person. This situation is not fair on your wife. She deserves happiness and I am guessing that you have resigned yourself to the belief that you cannot give her that happiness. You are sadly creating an unhealthy marriage but your obsession and your desire to be with this OW. Yes, you have longing for this person but do you have REMORSE for what you did. I think not. You have tried to make amends by moving overseas, yes, but your heart hasn’t . You still have the romantic notion of this affair in your head. You remember the good times. How has the bad times impacted your life?
I think you became attached to the OW when your son was approx. 6 months old. Lots of couples go through major adjustment when there is a baby in the family. It is usually during this time that the husband starts feeling neglected, perhaps the sex is not as passionate as before, the baby is just the greatest passion killer in the relationship. Did this happen in your marriage? If it did then it would have been even more devastating for your wife. Imagine having a new borne and the husband was playing away. Not fair on her! She has also had to make major adjustment i her life. She has left her extended family, moved away from everything familiar to her, just to try and salvage this marriage.
Let’s talk about the OW’s husband. He also found out about the affair yet he also choise to “forgive” his wife and try to make the marriage work. How about having some respect for this man as well. I really do feel sorry for you but this man must also be devastated. Both you and OW broker your marriage vows, you betrayed your partners and yes, it may have been love or lust or just an emotional need, but it was wrong. That husband and wife need a chance as well to rebuild their lives.
You are actually mourning the loss of a relationship and what you are going through is normal. It is the grieving stages. But you can move on, it will be hard but you can make this marriage work. Yes you will have memories, You only had 1.5 years with this person how many years do you have with your wife? Are you still in contact with OW? If so, that is why these feelings are still so fresh. Whether by email/ telephonic or any other communication this contact has to stop and it needs to stop now.
How do you re build a life with your wife? SLOWLY, the pain and hurt will be there. Have you tried to show your wife you are trying to re build the life together? Not just by moving but by being truly intimate, truly passionate, truly giving of yourself in this marriage. I think sadly you have not because your thoughts are all consuming for this person.
What is more sad and evident is that one day you will leave your wife. She has now invested so much more in this marriage but sadly you are just bidding your time. Are you being fair to her. I know that you want to release her so that you can take up happiness with this OW. You and your OW would have destroyed 2 lives. I know that you didn’t mean it but you have done and actions have consequences. Are you certain you are not indirectly pressurizing the OW by saying that you want to be the one having kids with her. Are you not pressurizing her by revealing your hurt and your heartache to her. By you being a constant reminder, you are not allowing her to rebuild, rebuild what? Her dignity, because it has suffered as she is now the OW, her self worth, the sacredness of HER marriage.
In love we have to sometimes be selfless – giving of ourselves when there s no more to give. In love we sometimes need to put the other person first and release the one we love. In this situation, can you release your lover. Not just with distance but with the emotions attached.
I pray that you find peace in your choices you are now going to make. Let’s hope that these decisions do not hurt the very people you are trying to protect. To make a go of this, s a last resort please try marriage counseling or even counseling just for yourself. As I have said before you are mourning a loss. You can only move forward if you eliminate all contact with your lover. Hard but necessary.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Klara, thanks for your thoughtful and understanding response...a lot of what you said it true in this situation...especially what you've said about her struggle and how she has felt, it is quite accurate. She knows in her heart that I am the right person for her, but above that she believes in doing the right thing and respecting my family situation. Unfortunately that doesn't help me so much. But like you said I should focus on different things in my life and see what happens from there.
In answer to your questions, she is two years younger than me. She hasn't started a family yet and this has delayed her from doing so. It frustrating for me cause I would like to have a family with her and I know that she would prefer that too, but as part of letting her go, I'm letting her have her family with her husband...and you can understand how much that kills me.
Being with her was an escape in a way...and yes like a drug, but it wasn't at the expense of my responsibility to my son. Whatever happens, my son does come first...but that's my dilemma, to what extent to I put his happiness/perfect happiness over mine. Is there a balance I should be finding? I care about my wife's happiness too and feel that it might lie elsewhere. In no case would I ever abandon my son.
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