A
female
age
,
*eerfly
writes:I know my husband is cheating, but I have been too direct with my suspicions,so he is trying to convince me that I'm paranoid and delusional. He has stooped so low that he is pretending that his object of lust is a longtime friend 13 years his senior. (Over the years he has made many disparaging comments about her age and appearance.) I have found notes with obvious expressions of affection and references to sex/kissing. He keeps pulling me aside asking if I want to stay married, then follows with talk of a third party who is in love with him. He spent the last six weeks obsessively texting; when I confronted him, he panicked and hurriedly deleted all messages. He has never arrived home later than 6:30, but now it's usual that he doesn't walk through the door until anywhere from 7 to 8 p.m. He keeps asking if I would throw him out if it were true, then says there is no way I could ever find out. (He asked one day if I had followed him.) Please tell me; am I crazy, as he says, or is it obvious that he's guilty?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Then I am fulfilled, Poster. Thank you ever so much from refraining from the temptation to seek out only what you wish to hear. Thanks for keeping it real. :) :)
A
female
reader, Deerfly +, writes (28 May 2010):
Deerfly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much, BunnyTee! Your kind words of encouragement and good humor have given my mood a much needed boost. I enjoyed the p.s. and will certainly keep it in my mind. Thanks for the smiles!
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
Poster: it is indeed, my pleasure. I have been where you're at and though I don't share your age group, it's one helluva place to find one's self, I know. I genuinely feel for you. I always say: give 'em enough rope they'll hang themselves, these guys always do. He's caught up in the illusion that someone else wants him, indulging his male ego. Once that wears off, guess who'll be back sobbing his black little heart out? I wish you the absolute best going forward!
p.s. there's line from a movie that goes: "what you saw was the planet Venus" Be mindful of it. If an alien spacecraft lands on your front lawn, lights blazing, and know you saw an alien spacecraft, don't let him tell you it was the planet Venus.
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A
female
reader, Deerfly +, writes (28 May 2010):
Deerfly is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous: Thanks for the advice about checking the phone log; I will certainly do that!
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A
female
reader, Deerfly +, writes (28 May 2010):
Deerfly is verified as being by the original poster of the question@prion: Yes, I agree; the mind games he's playing are so devious and demoralizing.
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A
female
reader, Deerfly +, writes (28 May 2010):
Deerfly is verified as being by the original poster of the question@BunnyTee: Thank you so much for your answer! It's such a relief to have my suspicions verified as legitimate. I've kept a log of his many lies and contradictory statements, but my mistake is in thinking he will ever admit it. Recently, I have insisted he leave, but now he's digging in his heels. (He says he wants to stay for financial reasons and because he likes ruts!) As you say, unless there is hard evidence, he will continue to call me crazy, but I will find a way to remove him from the premises. Thanks for making me smile with your no-nonsense approach and sense of humor!
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A
female
reader, Deerfly +, writes (28 May 2010):
Deerfly is verified as being by the original poster of the question@q1605: Your kind answer gave me comfort and relief. Thanks so much!
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
I'd put all my chips on: GUILTY as charged, sister.
A man with nothing to hide doesn't typically act as you describe.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
It sounds to me as though he's looking for permission or some sort of weird approval from you in the: would you throw me out if it were true nonsense. I'd answer with a polite, venom-dripping "Why yes dear, I certainly would throw you out on your ass funny you should ask that very thing, mind explaining your recent, no-doubt, purely innocent behaviors?"
You're also being clearly provoked. Texting for six weeks?What's this third party thing about? Did you follow him? You'll never find out. WTF?!
Barring photographic evidence, I'm not sure what else you need to confirm that you're not being paranoid or crazy.
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then odds are good it's a duck. Either insist upon some very valid explanations backed by substantial facts or make good on the tossing out part. You're being played, sister.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): First thing you have to ask yourself is do you still love him and do you want to be with him. To find out if it is true stop asking him about it and act like nothing is bothering you. That is when he will slip up. You do not need to look at his phone to see if he is texting this person you can just look at the phone bill and you can see the numbers and times but not what the message says. Some companies you can even check this daily. Then if you find this number poping up you can try calling this person and telling them to stop. If you do this be prepared for a fight and be ready to kick him out.
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