A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is my bf cheating on me? We have been together for about a year and a half, and iv never ever suspected him of doing anything wrong. But about a month ago i caught him going onto a chat site behind my back. When i confronted him he said it was an accident, and that he wouldnt go on anymore. I have seen that he still goes on, but he lies and says that he doesnt. What do i do? its driving me mad, and making me wonder!!! please can someon give me an outsiders perspective on what they think is going on here? Please... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): He will turn the whole thing around on you if you aren't careful. Don't be defensive or angry just tell him what you know. You can say that you instinctively knew he was doing this, therefor it was unfair of him to hide it once you originally asked. Before you speak to him you have to have a plan for what you want to happen next. You need these steps in your head:
1. Be open with your concerns and need for the truth/you knew he was not being honest
2. Evidence
3. Know what you want to happen next and a plan
If it were me I would be wanting a break from this relationship. There is no point being in something that will destry your trust in human nature. Otherwise you may find a really nice and trustworthy guy next time, be unable to believe him because of this liar and snoop on him too! Losing faith and trust is a serious issue and how you deal with it is so important for your future happiness. I would be so angry at this guy for undermining this for you. It may seem a small thing but you are likely to find it affecting you in the future so I would be really mad. Only consider taking him back if there is a period of sustained effort from him to make this up to you - at least a month. Even then, you are young so I would really just decide that it was a nice try but he did not make the standard for you. It is OK to be sad when someone you have cared about leaves your life and disappoints you, but don't avoid confronting that pain and try to hang on to him to prove to yourself that you can persuade him that he has been unreasonable. Don't try to make him see the light because you will fail. It is he that decided to deceive all by himself and he could decide to do it any time again. You will never believe things he does unless he decides to do them himself from now on. Good luck and don't grieve for this for too long - he was not good enough for you. Be glad you know and are able to say "No" to things that are not right for you, because you care about yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all who answered. I have since been snooping to find out the whole truth. How do i bring this up eith him? I promised i wouldnt snoop, but at least now due to it, i know all the facts! He will get so mad if he knows i snooped, but i cant keep this in! he has to know that i can prove hes lying! Help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Have a good chat with him and let him know that i he did fall on it accidentally then that is ok. But my guess is he got curious and had to have a look. My bloke quickly changed the screen on the computer today and i felt he was up to no good. I accused him of being sly and now i feel terrible cos i know he wouldnt do such stuff. Tell him that you dont want him looking on such sites and just leave it at that. It is no good beating him up over something that he probably hasnt done.
take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I have just accused my partner of looking up porn when he did not. We had some viruses on the computer which he found afterwards. This technology is really invasive. As well as useful and fun, it is dangerous and challenges trust.
Perhaps you can open up the conversation about it rather than act defensively. For example, would it be alright for him to do this if he did not hide his activity from you and reassured you that he was not being disloyal? If you do it together? Do open up the possibility of accepting this and he still does it in secret it means that you can't trust him. Personally I believe that there should not be closed off secret areas of activity going on between couples.
The fact that he has already concealed what he is doing may make it very hard for you to believe him and that is all his own fault. In such a case he should totally stop if you want him to and work on rebuilding your trust. If he puts this above you and your happiness, how much is your happiness worth to him? At some time you do have to decide to trust him, but you also need to search whether he inspires that trust in you, because instincts of trust or mistrust are often right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): It's unlikely to have been an accident, and his response to you confronting him was a defensive one. I suppose these chatrooms can be addictive, a bit like this site, and you gain 'virtual friends' from them.
I don't think it's anything to particularly worry about unless he actually goes and meets up with any of these new-found 'friends'. The fact that it winds you up ought to be reason enough for him to find other things to do on the internet, so as not to upset you. But generally it's just harmless fun.
Phil
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