A
male
age
36-40,
*rynden86
writes:I am a 30 year old man, and it's the time of year when I see loved-up couples enjoying themselves and families getting together. I have the family part at Christmas (always enjoy that).I have Asperger's Syndrome but that's not the main issue here - the main issue is about dating.I live at home with my parents and are dependent on them for financial reasons.I am mostly attracted to women, but sometimes attracted to men, at a guess 95% of my attraction would be to women, 5% would be to men. However, my concern relates to the attraction above - I worry some women will think "Ewww.. he's gay possibly" or that some men will think "He's not gay enough for me" and I fall into this weird limbo between straight and gay (even though technically it makes me bisexual) and some people assuming bisexual men are just gay men in the closet (a stereotype that still exists, sadly).In terms of women I am attracted to, it's largely the women who are very feminine, girly-girl, types, and as for men, whilst not clearly defined, it keeps varying between masculine men and very feminine men (feminine does not always equal effeminate, feminine can be an aesthetic too, can't it?).How I would be able to meet a partner this Christmas season is one problem - dating sites never really worked for me, as there were:a) Not many people in my area who were interested in me(even though I wrote them messages that showed an interest in them as a person)b) People who lived too far away for a long-distance relationships (a 4-hour drive isn't realistically possible for me since I can't drive)c) Men who wanted only sex or casual sex and not long-term relationships (which I found when looking for Men looking for men on OKCupid).I've decided to try and find new ways to meet them in person, but that's the hard part. I don't often get invited to many parties (apart from work Christmas parties, but the people there are 30+ and fun as it is, they have wives/husbands and/or kids/grandkids to go back to).Over this Christmas season what ways are good ways to meet single people in person - single women, and as for single gay men, would the "scene" work for me?I do have a lot to offer people (my mother has said this to me once when we discussed about dating, I'm open about my life with my mum and dad and have a good relationship with them) but it's finding the right person and getting into dating which is the hard part.I know I probably shouldn't have these worries, but are they realistic enough worries for me?All help would be much appreciated, and I will provide an update on this possibly in the near future.
View related questions:
christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): WiseOwl,You are hands-down the BEST Agony Uncle anywhere! On this site and any local magazines I read that feature advice columns. Your comprehensive response to this OP hit it "out of the park" Nobody else needs respond :)I'm going to join Dear Cupid in December once my holiday commences and will get in touch with you regarding my own story and to get your valuable thoughts and comments.From a female admirer in awe!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): Aspergers may not be the main issue, but it is a contributing factor. It may limit your ability to connect and show the emotion necessary to attract people. You may also have a little difficulty in reading the signals sent your way.
I have a very good friend of 12 years, who also has Aspergers Syndrome. He was diagnosed at 17. He didn't have his first date until the age of 28, and he is gay. He is now 46. He has a boyfriend, who has some minor social disadvantages due to anxiety; but they are a loving and caring couple, with Aspergers aside. Just as you said.
My friend was/is very determined, and took chances. His problem is, he rarely smiles; but he has a quick-wit and a wonderful sense of humor. His comic-timing is impeccable, but what makes it funniest, is his nonchalance when telling a joke or teasing. He is very much aware of is comedic talent. He's very cute, has a natural offbeat charm, and it attracts people. He also lived with his parents until his thirties; but he's an engineer, and makes a very good salary. He met his current boyfriend traveling on a business trip. They sat next to each other on the plane. He noticed the guy was nervous and sweating. It was alarming some of the other passengers as he explained it.
He consoled and comforted him, and they started-up a conversation. It was just that simple my friend. They've been together ever since.
I'm a gay man. Here's my take on bisexuality. As far as heterosexuals are concerned; if you are attracted to the same-sex, you're gay. Bisexual vs gay, is simply a term of distinction as far as "straight people" are concerned; and we're tossed into the same category. As freaks. The closet is just a resting-place for you to decide who you are, and when you feel strong enough to come-out. It is not gay purgatory, as many bitchy gays would have you to believe.
There is no such thing as a percentage of how much your are sexually-attracted to women vs men. How much you are attracted to someone is measured when you meet them; and the chemistry is ignited. Bisexuals feel compelled to convince everyone how close they are to heterosexuality; as if that makes them better than gay. Gays try to bring them down a few pegs by denying bisexuality exists. Perhaps that is born of envy, or contempt. Who cares! Nobody is better than anybody, and your sexual-orientation is not a choice. Theories abound to debate that; but not if you're actually gay or bisexual. Then you know.
Your concerns are quite real, reasonable, and true for all of us. We all wonder when and how we're going to meet that match. Leave it to love to be evasive, elusive, and confusing. You have to be open-minded, exposed for public viewing, and emotionally-available. The emotionally-available part may be one of your shortcomings; but you're human, and very articulate in expressing how you feel and what you want. I'd say, if you weren't living with your parents; you'd be out there and would soon connect with someone. I don't think you give yourself enough credit.
You think what you crave isn't what almost every single adult wants? Holidays just amplifies the cravings and loneliness; but you have to be mature about it. Couples don't always reveal publicly what is truly going on. Appearances are deceiving! They love making everyone believe they have the perfect relationship. Public-affection, all lovey-dovey, and hardly speak a word to each other when they're home together. More drama than love.
I think you may be too introverted and too much of a homebody to get out and be noticed. So you have to make a group of friends before you take the leap into dating. You need to warm-up to people. Accept invitations, or extend them. When online, don't limit yourself to "types." Male, or female. Don't be too caught-up on the "looks-factor;" but give anyone reasonably attractive and sincere a fair chance. You can't go wrong. I know you have limited mobility; but public transportation is always available.
Don't give-up on dating sites. Go to local live-music concerts and holiday galas where the general community gathers, and socialize. Holiday Parades, the local malls and shops; or your favorite coffee shop. Your favorite video game-shop. Return smiles. That was my friend's problem. When people smile at him, he stares back blank-faced. He used to smile back like a scary Cheshire Cat; but we, his gay-friends, have toned that down. It may have been intentional, knowing that guy! He can also be sarcastic!
You'll be noticed and approached just taking a stroll. Open your mouth to say hello, good morning, or good evening to a passing stranger. Get a cute little pup you can take for walks to the dog park. Animals bring out the best in us, and open closed-off emotional-chambers deep inside of us. They even compensate where our personality ends. Try it!
Your lack of financial-resources may also be holding you back. So that may be a priority at the moment. Don't concentrate so much on what others have. You'll get caught in that trap. It's the lonely-mind being cruel, and it will obsess on it. Best to just work on being friendly, warm, and practice reading signals when people attempt to connect with you.
...............................
|
