A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles. Ive been married for 5 years. My husband cheated on me. He doesnt know why. To be honest Internet dont wanna hear it either. Maybe life was too perfect and he got bored. His own fault. He sleeps in the guest room until I can get him to move out and I file for divorce. Well, he looks like a wreck. Obviously and sadly i cant find it in me to forgive him. I avoid being alone with him. I constanly cuddle and watch over our 2 years old son. He is my everything. Im as cold as I can be to my soon to be ex. He wants me back. I know he would ask heaven to get his family back but it wont happen. He screwed up big time. Ive been a loving wife, considerate, clean, faithful, always refreshed and willing. Ive never burden him with anything. Ive lost faith in mankind. Please advice me on how to do the separation and divorce a bit painless for my son.
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cheated on me, divorce Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Have him served with the separation papers/divorce papers and he hopefully will take the hint.
And as I started before, if you don't WANT to try and work it out, I can't see why you should FEEL like you have to.
YOU have to do what feels right for you.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (3 September 2014):
There is no other way, only to tell him exactly how you just told us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow can i tell him that i dont want our marriage to continue anymore. Hes acting too desperate making empty promises. I cant stand him anymore. It was him who cheated. He should have seen it coming. This has happened to me before in my 2 previous relationships. Im not willing to suffer again for the same cause. Time has taught me something, dont waste your time on a doomed relationship. Sorry if i sound a bit cold. This mosquito bit me before, different person but same mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow can i tell him that i dont want our marriage to continue anymore. Hes acting too desperate making empty promises. I cant stand him anymore. It was him who cheated. He should have seen it coming. This has happened to me before in my 2 previous relationships. Im not willing to suffer again for the same cause. Time has taught me something, dont waste your time on a doomed relationship. Sorry if i sound a bit cold. This mosquito bit me before, different person but same midtake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. Its good to have someone talk to. I dont want to talk to anyone else because its not their bussiness. Its just things that happen i guess. I can remake my life. I am sorry but i dont find it in me to try again with him. Im so tired of cheaters deceiving men. It s not gonna get any better. Oh if you ask him he would swear on his bones that he wont do it again. Yet ive been deceived 2 times before. Im not willing to risk it. Thank you everyone for listening
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 September 2014):
Dear OP,
I am sorry if my answer was somehow misleading. You see, on the internet it's hard sometimes to interpret a question or post. The question was what you could do to make the separation easier, and the only thing I can think of is to let your son keep good contact with both his parents, because it sounds like you already are stable enough to figure out the rest.
Also, I am sorry that this is a painful repetition of what you encountered before. I think there are faithful men out there, who will appreciate a woman like you. But I have a feeling that you may sacrifice too much in a relationship, or that the men you were together with were not as devoted to the relationship as you. It could be a good thing to ask yourself what went wrong, without accusing yourself or your ex's too fast, just looking at it from a neutral, analyzing point of view. Like a sports coach who wants to find the reason why his team lost already for the third time.
I believe we can learn from the past and that you can walk out of this stronger than before. Maybe it's somehow a good thing that you separate from your husband now, when your boy is still very young, so he will hardly remember how you two were as a couple and he will miss the family life less.
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female
reader, Fuzzy peg  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Hi am in the same situation.. As I was married
For 23 years.. My x did the same cheated on me.
But I left to stop all the arguments.. I've two great boys
Whom we both adore. But he can either move out.. Or
U. Can and start afresh u don't need him at the
End of the day the child will always have his dad.my x
And I are very good friends now.. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Forge +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Not all men are like this, so don't get that mentality with you. You just found a bad apple, and are dealing with him accordingly.
You child is only two, you said? Chances are, he will not remember this, and the less you talk about it, the better. Although that could also cause problems. What happens when he figures out that going over to a different parent's house isn't normal? Then you explain. THEN, you explain.
I don't know much about this, considering I'm only 15, but this is what I have to offer for help.
Also, about your husband. He cheated, and you are punishing him accordingly, although honestly, don't you think you might be a bit too harsh? He is on the ground, begging for forgiveness, and of the likes, yet you shun him. Lighten up a bit. It will make things easier, trust me.
That doesn't mean you need to be all lovey dovey again, but for his (and yours, as well as your son's) sake, do lighten up on the poor guy. I understand he's committed the worst possible betrayal, and he is scum for it, but that doesn't mean you should turn away from him completely. This could also affect your child, as they will see this as "oh, that man is a bad guy, mom doesn't like him, and I don't know why, but I don't like him either!" That's basically how your kid will view this.
-Førg€
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): I caught my husband on a date, not in bed. It was a long time ago. Almost 30 years passed. We are still happily married, it never happened again. And our daughter grew up in a home with 2 parents.
I know you had really bad experience with men in this aspect, and now your husband, and it seems like ultimate betrayal, but life is hard, he is a father of your child, he made a mistake, and if you still have any feelings for him maybe...just may be ..it is worth to go to a counseling?
Your son will have both parents, but believe me, I am a product of divorced parents, and it's not an easy road for a child. Single mothers are not that fun, I always missed my dad, but then at the end it didnt help our relationship either, as he accustomed very faston h ow to be a free man who doesn't come home every dayto his child. It's very different when there is a father in a house and when there is not.
That's why I was willing to put a lot of effort into keeping my family going. Now I think I did the right thing. We are both older now, and t is all behind us, no one ever talks about it. Of course I remember, I am still wondering about it, why he did it, but really no hard feelings at all.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 September 2014):
Your son is so young he probably won't remember it to be honest.
My advice: take the high road, always. Keep your cool. NEVER talk bad to your baby about your soon to be ex. It's ok to keep communication at a minimum, but don't fight, yell, argue, etc in front of your kid. Make sure you have friends you can vent to so you aren't tempted to do so in front of your boy.
When it comes to custody, BE FAIR. His affair was horrible, but that's between him and you, not he and his son. Don't try to make it about your son. As long as he loves your son and isn't putting him in actual danger, don't restrict the visits just because you're angry. These things will eventually hurt your boy more than your husband.
Good luck, Sweetie, and take care of yourself. It's very important to remember to take care of YOU, because how can you be a good mom if you don't?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. Well, its easy to get him to move out. the house is mine. i owned it before we got married. the only thing he owns is his car. and he can keep it. i don't care about it. yes, ive contacted a lawyer and she is a very good friend of mine. i am not going to draw my son away from his dad, more the less, i will make sure he gets time when he has to come and take him out and spend some days each week with him. i don't persue any vindictive actions toward my "ex" husband. i dont know where any of you got that idea! when i said i cuddle my son often doesnt mean i fear his dad would hurt him, it means that he is my support and my reason to go on and i will make sure he doesnt lack on attention and love.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 September 2014):
 Sometimes, the advice is easier than we want it to be. The answer to your question is simply to get the process over with. Separate the emotions of betrayal from the process of separation/divorce.
You have had your time of emotional pain and reaction. You have had your emotional vindication of his looking like a wreck. You've made up your mind that reconciliation is not in the cards. Fine, but staying in the "I'm hurt and angry" mindset is not what you need right now.
What you need is to get the ball rolling, get the train moving, get what needs done done.
For example, you said this, "He sleeps in the guest room until I can get him to move out and I file for divorce."
1. Do you have your lawyer yet?
2. Have you filed for divorce in the courts?
3. Have you done a forensic audit on every one of yours and his assets including pensions, 401(k), investments, and IRA's?
4. Why do *you* get him to move out? The courts do that during the divorce process. You haranguing or persuading him is worse than useless, and if you sit around being hurt, he'll get his ducks in a row first because guys are really good at separating guilt and emotion from the tasks that need to get done.
5. Write goals for the divorce and the distribution of assets and/or spousal support. Write out your custody goals as well.
Which brings me to the "painless as possible for my son" part of your question. This one is easy too...do what is best for him.
You said this, "I constanly cuddle and watch over our 2 years old son. He is my everything. Im as cold as I can be to my soon to be ex. He wants me back. I know he would ask heaven to get his family back but it wont happen."
and in your follow-up, you said this, "I just now there must be a good man somewhere for me who can be a good and could learn to love my son."
Listen very carefully. It is not your place to replace your son's father with someone else. It's not your place to deny your husband your son. The fact that his actions have lost you is right, as he broke his vows and cheated. However, nothing he has done has lost him his son. If you want things to be good for his son, you need to keep a working parental relationship when you set up child custody. You don't play vengeance games with your son. Joint custody would be best for your son, because what he needs is to know that while both of you are separating, that his love and your love have not weakened one bit. You talking about finding another man to "learn to love my son" should have nothing to do with his father. That kind of talk should be reserved for if his father was abusive to him, and as much as it hurts, cheating on you isn't the same as abusing your son.
Your resolutions of him never getting you back again, should not and must not apply to full and free access to his son. That is what is best for your son, not replacing him with someone else. I know you cuddling your son is a comfort in these hurting times, but you're not protecting him against his dad.
Get what you need done and over with. Get the lawyer, file for divorce, file for child custody and hash out support. Talk to the arbitrators if there are any, and get it over with. Then if the house is awarded to you, he'll have to move out by court decree and you both can get on with your lives. But doing nothing and wondering about men only liking nasty women isn't helping anyone, you most of all.
It's obvious you're nowhere near over your husband, so if you want to be over him, then get the divorce process over with and done as well as child support, or he's going to move on it while you're wallowing in pain and self-pity and you'll find yourself in a much worse position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was cheated on by my 2 previous boyfriends. Bad luck I guess
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy my follow ups are not showing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt seems like men only like mean nasty careless women or that is the norm? Those seem to be more appealing to them and faithful wives are just meant to be cheated on and taken for granted. I just now there must be a good man somewhere for me who can be a good and could learn to love my son.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (1 September 2014):
I get it.....your angry....he did the ultimate betrayal. Just remember your actions of how you are towards your ex will be felt by your son.
Everything you do and not say...is a reflection of your emotions. Be careful children are sponges and will soak this up.
Your child loves your ex unconditional. Don't make him choose his love of you both. He is a precious and so is his learning of human errors. I would want my child to learn forgiveness. What I learned is when I forgave I was able to feel good about my choices and more important relieve myself of that burden.
You have made your decision. Your ex is suffering. Continue to move forward with your plans. Get your affairs in order. Your ex understands there is no going back.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouve got it all wrong. Ive never spoken ill of his dad or ever will. I loved this man. I wont persue revenge or what so ever. He wont have me back doesnt matter how much he tries. But our son is sacred and your reply is misleading. But thankyou for your reply.
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female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (1 September 2014):
Dear OP,
I understand that you are deeply hurt. You did everything you could and you were betrayed this way. I understand you want a divorce.
My advice, my big and honest and only advice is to not get your pain, anger and need for revenge in between the relationship of your son and his father. Sure, you might wish to punish your husband by taking away his child, because it's someone he really, really loves, maybe even more than you, or than the woman he cheated with. You might wish to tell your son how bad of a father he is and that he is a careless person.
It might feel like justice, to have your husband on his knees, begging you to not destroy everything, and then hurting him in the most painful way you can, by cutting his ties with his son. But please, don't do that. Because that would be really painful and stressful for your child.
Children love both of their parents and it should be this way. If you make your son choose sides, if you talk badly about your father in front of him, if you keep your son away from his father, you will damage your child.
My opinion about your post, if you want to hear it (if you don't, then please stop to read now): Sure, you are in the right and he is in the wrong, because you two are married and he is a cheater. However, if you keep telling yourself that you are ONLY a poor victim and he is ONLY an irresponsible asshole that has to be punished.. you are painting black-and-white. You were always refreshed and willing.. yes, my dear OP, but behaving like you are 100% perfect is maybe not what he needed. Is it possible that maybe you were living YOUR idea of a perfect marriage, and not his? So, I conclude that if you want a divorce, I understand, because the trust is gone and he did you wrong. However, please don't use his mistake as an eternal weapon against him and as an easy way to never explore more deeply your part in this story. Maybe you have to be angry right now, and keep being angry for months. It's possible and you have a right to show your anger and hurt. However, don't freeze in this angry position, for the sake of your own well-being and the well-being of everyone around you, including your child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy other two boyfriends before I married him, cheated too. The more I try to be considerate and good, the faster they betray me. Its lost faith. why I said Ive
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2014):
I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong in not being able to forgive this or wanting to forgive it.
If he can't even tell you why (I don't believe when someone says I don't know why I did it, it just happened, because we ALL know - sex doesn't "just" happens. Same with cheating. It's a CHOICE.)
I would say to make it as easy for your son (and yourself) ask him to move out. Set up visitations so your son can spend time with his dad and do NOT talk smack about his dad to your son. It will take him a while to adjust to Dad not being there, but he is two, he will adjust much faster then you will.
Losing faith in mankind seems a bit over-dramatic - it was ONE guy (one IMPORTANT guy to you) who cheated on you. Not all of mankind who let you down. HE did. Don't turn bitter over something HE CHOSE to do.
And DO NOT take responsibility for HIS action and HIS choice. You didn't MAKE him cheat.
At some point in time, you might be able to forgive him, but you will never be able to forget it. And having a child together means he will always be part of your son's life. Even if that is peripheral in YOUR life. So in forgiving him it might help YOU move on. However, you aren't ready for that, yet. You will know. Also having a child together doesn't MEAN you have to continue being married. If this is SUCH a deal breaker (don't blame you, would be for me too)then GO ahead, find a lawyer, get the divorce started, the child support and if you state "demand" it spousal support.
It will get better, but it will take time.
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