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anonymous
writes: Please help! I am so confused. I had been with my ex, J, for nearly two years and felt true love. However we changed over time and I felt I wasn't happy anymore. I left him for another man who was giving me everything I missed. It broke J's heart. However I soon realised things with my new bf, P, were never going to be as good as things with J and secretly craved him. One night nearly a year later I saw J out and drunkenly ending up confessing I still loved him. We ended up spending the night together, for him to tell me he still loved me and wanted me back and still wasn't over me. Having done this I now realise I want P. I realise I am a bitch but J is now back in my life and I want him out. He won't leave me alone and I don't want P to find out. I am shy and hate confrontations and don't know what to do. I know I have been wrong but that doesn't help me now. Please anyone help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Jonny Boy, writes (11 February 2005): Hi there,My my, you being shy and hating confrontations?...now thats an understatement! Stringing along 2 guys doesn't exactly appeal to me as being shy, does it to you? And did you really expect J to have reacted any differently (ie to leave you alone) after what you said to him at the point when he was trying to pick up the broken pieces of his heart, which you broke in the first place? If you did, I'm sure it'll do you good to learn more about the human feelings before you engage in any other relationships. But I'll have to hand it to you for confessing your 'love' to him at exactly the right time (there couldn't be a better time than when someone's trying hard to move on and being vulnerable) when he was still craving for you as well. Let's be honest here for a while, you still don't really know who you and what you want do you? You say that right now you'd like to be with P but its gonna be a vicious cycle, you craving for J when you're with P and vice versa. I don't mean to be harsh but you should never make decisions solely based on your intuitions and gut feelings!! The first mistake you made was to leave J, which I'll explain why in a minute. The second was to actually get back with him! Ironic as it may sound, relationships do not always work out the way you want it to be, but that doesn't mean you can just walk in and out of someone's life whenever you feel like it! Right, allow me to elaborate further why you shouldn't have left J for P. You were contented with J but needed sumthin more to satisfy your needs, which you felt were lacking, right? Why didnt you just explain it to J at that time? Didn't it occur to you that he would be more than willing to give you those needs you wanted?? Guess not. Well, you made a choice and left him for P and instead of giving P your everything now, you craved for J because you want the things you can't get. It's true that the grass may seem greener on the other side, but many ppl forget the cat that died because of curiousity! Be contented with what you have. Don't get me wrong, you can choose who you want, by all means go ahead, but make sure you want who you choose as well. Alright, what's dones done. Let's think of a way you can get yourself outta this mess you got yourself into. Your best bet is to drop the both of them for the time being as this seems to be initiating your feelings for A when you're out with B (whoever A & B might be...its the same really). So make a clean closure with the both of em and try starting afresh (not too soon this time)with someone else who doesnt remind you of any of them. Trust me, its a psychological thing. If you don't like the sound of that one, which I'm sure you dont cause its only natural that youll wanna carry on what you've alreayd started...then you'll have to make a FIRM stand on who you want and stick to him, and when I say firm, I don't mean running back to the other confessing your love for him when you get tired of the one you're with. Its worth a mention that in most relationships, lusting for another person do occur and you'll be surprised how often they do!! Its okay to lust (let's face it, there's always gonna be a more attractive person than who you're with right now), howver, know where to draw the line! Look but don;t touch. love isn;t purely based on attraction and sex, its about that plus being comfortable with that person, being able to talk when you're down, him being there for you, and the list goes on. You can't jerk their chains forever, one day they'll realise what fools they've been and they'll hate you for it so don't go there!! like I said, you can't turn back time so instead of sulking and carrying on what you're doing, grow up and try to change things wherever possible. Someone's bound to be hurt in this but some things you just got to do to make things right. You need to mature and ask yourself what you want for yourself. This is not the right way to play the game. Think about it. I apologise if I was harsh but I know no other way to get to you. I hope you sort things out the right way. Good luck.
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