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female
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anonymous
writes: right now i am really confused with my relationship between my fiance and myself, we have been together for a while now but with alot of problems and alot of arguing,just recently, i had to get a restraining order against him because he started to physically abuse me, we have started dating again,but now he wants me to move all the way from ny to texas, we haven't even discussed anything, he just told me about all of this 5 days ago and he wants to up and leave on wednsday,i really do love him and care alot about him,but in a way i am also scared because i don't want to put myself in any danger or be put far away from my family.i am really scared and lost right now and i really don't know what to do,i need some advice on how to handle this, and how to make the right choice.i do love him with all my heart and soul and i would give up my world for this man,because i know that he loves me and he really means well,and most of the stuff that he has done to me in the past wasn't to hurt me, but to try and make me see how much he really does love me.i am just really scared and confused right now.i need some advice on how to get through all of this.i hate feeling lost and confused all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): You got a restraining order to "protect" yourself from this man, so what does that tell you dear? There are some things that just aren’t fixable, perhaps it is time to take the focus off them and decide what kind of great life you can have despite the "love you feel for this man who abuses you". You don't have a solid, respectable, loving relationship, hun, and please, refuse to move. You are in a relationship to an irresponsible, cruel, physically abusive, blaming, controlling man who is "isolating" you from the family who loves you and he will get worse, once you get to Texas. This is not love, dear-it's his evil at work-he's a broken man. What is likely worse, is that he refuses to see his contributions to the problem nor will he ever be the least bit repentant. What you have is a seriously bad situation, not a true and functional relationship, and you have been stuck for a very long time. Why would you allow yourself to get mired down so deep with this man-by moving to Texas with him? People like your bf walk all over people and get their needs met at everyone’s expense. You will have to plan carefully an escape from this man-if you are to survive. Guy like this, don’t like being left. Please enlist the help of anyone you can find-the police, crisis center counsellors, your minister, trusted friends and loving family. Keep in touch with us...good luck and take care
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 November 2005):
 This line in your letter "and most of the stuff that he has done to me in the past wasn't to hurt me, but to try and make me see how much he really does love me." is the usual line abusers give their victims. And it is a lot of crap! He does get off hurting you and will continue to to hurt you. Do not stay with him! Let him move his girlie ass to Texas (and believe me only a girlie man beats up on women). Get some counseling when he's gone to find out why you would allow this abuse to happen to you. In some cases victims are victims because they allow themselves to be. If that is your case then you need help in finding out why you permit this. But in any case, do not stay with him or go with him ANYWHERE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): I cannot be more firm on this one... no way on gods green earth, should you even entertain the thought of moving in with this guy, away from your life line... your family. He will have you in his clutches then, at his mercy.. he wont just change for you now, he hasnt in the past, so let him go and save yourself a lot of further unnecessary pain...
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A
female
reader, Bestfrend +, writes (28 November 2005):
Encourage him to leave without you!!
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female
reader, lisa_01  +, writes (28 November 2005):
 Dont move away from your family, your not ready for this so dont do it, if he really loves you then he will understand, moving away will just make it easier for him to abuse you.I personally would push him out of my life for good because it does not sound like he is a very safe man to be around and you dont want to be getting yourself into a situation where you cant get out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): People that are abusive need the control. If it has happened once that he abused you he will more than likely without professial help do it again. It might not be physically but mentally. Taking you away from your support group(family) is another way of controling you. Love is blind they say...the bruises go away, but is it worth the risk of next time? Love is not to harm... "Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;"(the phophet by Kahlil Gibran)Listen to your inner voice... it's there.Be Well!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): Unless you want to give up your life, don't do this. It doesn't matter how much you love him, or how much he loves you, if he's abusive. The more isolated you get, the worse it will become. He might be a really great guy, who's just going through a rough time, who has problems, etc. He might be able to get past all this. But he definitely WON'T as long as you're around. Break up with this guy and send him to Texas on his own. If you're afraid there's any chance he'll react badly, call a domestic violence hotline first for advice.
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