A
female
age
30-35,
*ittersweetxsymphony
writes:Hey, I've just turned 18 and my new years resolution is to try to let go of the horrible things that happened to me last year that have been dragging me down (parents divorce, abortion, rocky relationship). I'm trying really hard to leave the past behind me and to make myself happier but it's alot easier said than done believe me!I've been thinking about things alot and I realised what one of my main problems is. I'm absolutely terrified of being cheated on. My step dad had several affairs while he was married to my Mum, my best friend's boyfriend recently cheated on her, it happens on TV, films, in the books I read. It just makes me so paranoid and unable to trust my boyfriend because it seems that all around me people are cheating on each other!When I know that my boyfriend is going out to a party or to the pub I instantly feel really worried and sick. One of his friends is in a band which are going on tour and he's thinking of going with them up to Liverpool. The first thing I said to him was "are there any girls going?"Because of my parents divorce I had to move an hour away from where he lives and I don't get to see him during the week, it would be so easy for him to cheat on me! He's so gorgeous and I know other girls would want him.I have no guy friends, I've never been able to get on with guys, so I guess I don't really understand that guys can be friends with girls and not feel anything else towards them. My boyfriend is friends with a few girls and I just get so paranoid and jealous whenever they text him or ring him. I've also had no previous relationships and get jealous and upset about his past.He recently told me that I should be more confident and go out to pubs and stuff more to socialise but that's my idea of a nightmare! I have very low self esteem and confidence and he made it even worse by saying that I should be more like other girls he knows because they like going out whereas I'm "boring" and prefer to stay in. This makes me worried that he's getting bored of me and wants someone else.He says he loves me so much, and I do believe him. But I can't shake this fear that he's cheating or is going to cheat on me. The thought of him talking, flirting or even hugging other girls makes me angry and upset.I feel SO PATHETIC! What can I do?! Please help me I really don't want to be this jealous, paranoid monster anymore. Does anyone else feel like this? Is there anything I can do to make myself better?Thank you for reading, sorry I've rambled so much. xx
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female
reader, bittersweetxsymphony +, writes (4 January 2009):
bittersweetxsymphony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
He knows that I get paranoid, he knows I've had a very hard year and that I have issues with trust.
Because I've just turned 18 I am going to start going out more I think and my friends and I are trying to organise a holiday for the summer.
I told my boyfriend that the comment he made about me being boring and wanting me to be like other girls he knows upset me and he said that it was just because he wants to be able to go out with me to the pub and parties and stuff, not because he doesn't want to be with me.
This is probably goign to sound stupid but I just feel really awkward because I don't live up where he lives anymore, I don't feel part of the groups, I don't know many people. Yet I don't feel at home where I live now either.
I'm just one of those people who need to "belong" somewhere and I don't feel like that anymore. I feel really lost.
No he hasn't been unfaithful to me. But we have broken up a few times in the past 3 years and last year, when I found out that I was pregnant he confessed that he had kissed another girl. It completely wrecked me. Technically we weren't together when he did it but it hurt me so badly. I still think about it all the time. I know it isn't cheating but still...
I know he loves me for who I am... and I'm not the sort of person who likes to go out and socialise... it's just NOT ME!!! But I am going to try x
A
female
reader, xox_K_xox +, writes (4 January 2009):
Hey :) I recently got a boyfriend, and at the beginning of our relationship I was just like you - so paranoid about him cheating on me! He didn't know this at all, but now I've started to worry less, and I feel so much better.Maybe you should tell him how you feel (if he doesn't already know) as this will help him to understand why you are always asking questions, etc.Seeing real-life cheating going on around you is probably one of the main causes for your paranoia. My parents are also divorced (because my dad had an affair), and I think that this is what has affected me the most.I can also relate to you in the fact that I don't have many guy friends and that my boyfriend has many girl friends, and also the fact that this, I would say, is my first proper relationship. Another thing that used to annoy me (but not so much anymore) was that he would talk to a lot of my own friends quite a bit (once he'd met them through me), on msn and stuff. I used to get really paranoid that he would prefer them to me, or something like that...! It really started to take over me... and it shouldn't!Anyway, I've gone on a bit about me, so...In regards to the you being 'boring' part, why not go out with a few of your friends to a pub first to get used to the atmosphere. Ask them to introduce you to people that they know, and then make small talk. I know this sounds like a nightmare (believe me, I agree with you there!) but you have to keep telling yourself that you have nothing to lose, and that if you embarrass yourself - ah well, at least you tried (you probably won't see them again) and you could've even made their night by doing something silly! Doing things like this will make you more confident with yourself and once you feel ready then you should go along with your boyfriend. Try to make friends with a few of his girl friends too - this should hopefully help you to trust both them and your boyfriend talking/ being around each other, etc.As you've said, your boyfriend has told you that he loves you so much - and you believe him! This in itself is a sign of trust - so you are halfway there!If he really didn't like you because you were 'boring', then he probably wouldn't still be with you... - so go out there and prove to him that you aren't boring at all and that if he cheated on you he would be missing out big time!One thing to remember though is the fact that he started going out with you for who you are - so don't change too much. Just improve yourself so that you feel happy with who you are, and that your boyfriend appreciates you for who you are...!Be true to yourself, have fun, remember that he is with YOU and not one of his girl friends for a reason, and good luck! :)(Sorry for talking about myself and writing a lot :P, this is my first time that I have replied to a question...!)xxx
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A
male
reader, Wrighty +, writes (4 January 2009):
Well I don't know if my advice will be much use to you being as I'm only a little older than you but it's fair to say I'm going through the same thing with my girilfriend and I think 80% of teens and people in the early 20's go through the exact same thing.I really don't blame you for thinking as you do with your past but the one question you have to ask yourself is "has he done anything to make me feel like he's going to cheat or am I just an insecure person" either way a lot of people who have to ask themselves this question will begin to nag, pester and shout at the other half which is often enough to drive them away. I think you boyfriend's right that you should start going out, I strongly advise that going out with your friends or even going the gym for an hour will take your mind off your boyfriend and him cheating.I think people have to sort this out their own way, a way which suits the two people in a relationship but for what it's worth here's what me and my girlfriend did to help the matter. My girlfriend lives about a 45 minute drive away from me so I think we're both in similar situations where it's easy to think they have plenty of time to cheat so what we did is we tried phone calls on the nights we weren't together and just the odd random text, this helped us both, I can drink well when I go to pubs and she used to hate me going there and drinking so now the only time I go to the pub I make sure she's with me, it's so important to talk to your other half it really is, if he loves you like you've said, then trust me have a quiet night in and just bring it up, it helps so much when you talk to them instead of yourself about what you're feeling.Honestly you're not alone with your feelings. I think if you told your boyfriend you feel like this he may just realise he has a girl that a lot of lads would love to find but rarely do.
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