A
male
age
30-35,
*etThereBeRock
writes:Hello all. I posted once on here already describing some awkward sexual issues with my girlfriend, and now that things have played out a bit since then, I wanted to re-address things.My girlfriend and I are both virgins, in a committed, loving relationship. We're both college students, and unfortunately sex has lead to more stress than fun. Sorta.We have both been mature and talked/agreed that there's no pressure, that we're ready for sex, and that we both actually want to. Great, right? Things are fun when we fool around; I enjoy going down on her and she can usually bring me to orgasm after/during manual stimulation or a dry hump now and then.The problem arises when it comes to actual intercourse. Performance anxiety has turned it into a difficulty instead of an amazing experience. We're tried to have sex 3 or 4 times since we've been together, and every time I lose my erection at various stages, whether it's before getting the condom, after getting it, putting it on, or even just trying to penetrate her. She naturally blamed herself earlier on, but I've shown and convinced her how beautiful I think she is and how she turns me on. As of the most recent time this past weekend, she asked if she's doing something wrong, or if there's something she can do. I instinctively told her it's nobody's fault, and it'll happen when it happens. We both agreed that there's no pressure, and it's ok as long as we're in this together.Today, I went to free walk-in counseling service on campus that tends to any stresses or worries that students are facing. I talked for a while with the psychologist there, and she was very encouraging and we reached some conclusions and ideas to improve my situation. I am here today hoping you all can do the same. :)1) My girlfriend is on birth control. The psychologist suggested that if it's the condom mentality stopping the "mood" and causing my erection to disappear, I could suggest trying without a condom since she's on birth control. NOTE: I hesitate a great deal to this idea, simply because I know we'd both rather be super safe just in case, but feedback on the issue is still appreciated. I know birth control isn't 100% effective (nothing is obviously) but is it even worth bringing up?2) Similarly, if it is the condom doing the damage both before and during putting it on, she suggested we could integrate that into the foreplay. She said my girlfriend could put the condom on me and potentially continue to stimulate me so there's a better chance of not ruining the mood and keeping me aroused. Has anyone tried this and is it a good idea?3) Finally, this part requires a little more care. A common thing that comes up when I lose my erection, even if we try again and fail again, is my girlfriend getting kinda self-conscious and frustrated and asking if she's doing something wrong when she can't get me erect again, or if there's something she should do that she isn't doing. Neither of us are obviously that experienced, but I know enough about sex and all that stuff to know what I COULD suggest, but I'm not so sure how to. The psychologist recommended that we continue to do what we've been doing, and that's just be open and honest as much as possible. My girlfriend has given me a handjob to finish the "job" a handful of times, and I'm just cautious to suggest other things to turn me on before penetration in case I lose my erection.She's let me finish in her mouth a few times to my surprise, and I'm wondering if I should be brave and suggest what I really think she could do to get me hard again, such as oral sex or something else we haven't tried yet. I don't think she'll be offended by any means, I think she's just a little self-conscious when I lose it, and doesn't know what to do because neither of us have any real experience with things going as planned. Should I just be honest and say what I think would really turn me on? Or should we just experiment and let each other figures things out on our own?Any other tips are obviously appreciated...I know I know, I'm doing my best to go with the flow, enjoy the sensations, not think about it or consider the condom my worst enemy...we always bounce back after the initial frustration and tension afterwards, but it's still tough. Help? Thanks..
View related questions:
both virgins, condom, erection, foreplay, hand-job, lose my erection, oral sex, orgasm, ready for sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LetThereBeRock +, writes (31 January 2012):
LetThereBeRock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses so far. Just so everyone's aware, the failed sex attempts have been fairly spread out, it's not as if we're fixated on accomplishing it successfully or anything...they have been weeks apart typically. I'll try to keep the communication open and see how she responds. I know I turn her on when things get hot, and I wanna be sure she knows that she does the same to me. She hasn't explicitly even given me oral sex ever, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in her giving it a try...but even if that is successful, I just don't want to have to get to the point of being "very erect" and trying to get the condom on or having her continue to stimulate me without accidentally crossing over the point of no return...but, that's a separate issue I won't concern myself with.Thanks again for the thoughts so far...anyone else dealt with this or think they see underlying causes or issues?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): I have been dealing with the same exact issue with an ex boyfriend. he told me he wasnt a virgin as he had been in a long relationship before but he acted exactly like you.
we tried countless times. He was never able to maintain his erection for more than 2 minutes. i suggested he got checked. he was willing to,but didnt go.
i was going through what your gf is going through.
then I realized there is no sexual chemistry between us. it got to the point he avoided having sex with me due to the fear he wasnt going to make it.
if you really love each other and do not want to leave the relationship, i suggest these things.
1) stop trying to have sex. mutually agree on this.
2) take some time off and just enjoy the pleasure of kissing and making out without getting sexual.
3) when you are alone, *PRACTICE. Masturbate with a condom on.
4) I am sorry to say this but too much romance during a time period where both parties are inexperienced can be very stressful. sex is a biological function thus you wanna feel FREE . and u already mentioned u dont feel free enough to ask your gf to do certain things. THen again I understand if u become too "dirty" to her she might get insulted. and thats not how girls imagine their first time to be...they dont want it kinky. A way to be kinky and still .."respect" her is to be kinky during foreplay ON HER. which means... when you go down on her....try to spank her vagina or spit on it. smile and be playful. then place her hand on your penis and say something along the lines "it wants you"...ask her to stroke it....and start moaning a bit...then try saying "I would love it if you kissed it..." just make sure you are VERY ERECT before putting the condom on. and again this step is after you've done everything else i told you.
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Have you tried masturbating with a condom on? If the problem is that the condom is "breaking your focus", then integrating the condom into your normal sexual routine (not only with your partner but also with yourself) can help make you totally comfortable with the condom.
And yes, you should absolutely be honest when it comes to intimate time with your girlfriend. If you want to try her performing oral sex on you, then ask. There's no harm in trying, hon.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 1) You don't need a backup as long as she takes the pill consistently. She should consider getting an IUD if you're very nervous it's not enough on its own, they are a little more effective and you can't forget to take it.
2) Not as easy or sexy as it sounds, but she can always stimulate you visually or other erogenous areas (testicles, inner thighs, etc...).
3) Just say it. She's asking isn't she? So long as you're not being insulting, she'll appreciate the advice. You don't have to be mean, just saying it in a positive way like, "I love it when you _____." Go for it.
4) Oral sex is an excellent form of foreplay.
...............................
|
