A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm married with two kids and have serious trust issues with my husband. We've been together for 12yrs and everyone who knows us thinks he's the perfect guy as he is a great father, helps around the house and is easy going. About 2 yrs ago I noticed that he had paid for a hotel room on our credit card and after questioning him he admitted that he had met with an escort. He says that nothing happened as he "bottled it" but I had no way of knowing if he is telling the truth. For the sake of our kids and because I believe that he is a good guy i forgave him. However since then I have found out on a couple of occasions. He has been looking up escorts in our area, he denies that he has contacted them and states he was just fantasizing about them. I have no problems with him watching porn but anything more disgusts me....I don't know what to do now? I don't really want the marriage to be over but I also don't want to live with a man who cant seem to tell me the truth about anything ( other stuff too like finances, etc)????
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female
reader, Porn_Divorcee  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 It sounds like your husband has a problem with wanting to "have his cake and eat it too". I think you need to confront him about his possible infidelity and see what he says. I don't mean to sound flippant here but you shouldn't accuse him of something until you know for sure which are dealing with.
I too had a husband who I thought would occasionally look at porn only to find out a year later that he was actually addicted to it via the Internet. What's more, I paid $20 for a service which scanned his hard drive and printed out a list of all the sites he was visiting and found out that he was frequently visiting sex-related chat rooms, a practice I consider to be one step away from actually cheating on me! At the very least, you might consider doing the same with your husband's computer. The service I used was called "FindHisPorn.com" (there are others but this is the one I used) and I was able to use the list as proof of what he was doing. Needless to say, nine months, two shouting matches and one restraining order later I filed for divorce.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Porn is one thing.. escorts are another... porn is men and women who you can't touch... escorts is about meeting people for intimacy.
Why are you even bothering to wonder... the fact that he was even tempted to find out would be enough for me to walk away. So what nothing happened this time (if that's the truth) Why was he even spending money on sex professionals in the first place. How long before he starts cheating on you, with an escort or some other women that you don't know? What if it was you... could you come home and say to him, "babe's I was gonna get me a stud with a big long dick, I wasted money on a room but changed my mind, is that ok with you?"
I wouldn't trust this guy at all.. personally I would walk away. Know it's not easy with kids and family, but I'd be scared of disease. Some woman can cope with this type of unfaithful man, you might be the type of woman who can pretend to act deaf, dumb and blind, and that's ok too, if that's what you want to do.
Man's a liar, think carefully about what you do next, but don't believe a word he says.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): You may want to save the marriage but I don't think Hubby has the same goal. I don't even think he understands what marriage means or has a looser term as to what Husband and Marriage means, let alone Family.
I am thinking Husband has a porn/sex addiction. When a man seeks prostitutes and Call Girls and Escorts, its because his fantasies and lust and whatever 'value' or 'meaning' he attaches to these women and what they can 'offer' or 'do' for him means more to him than your marriage.
The Best thing to do is to seek counselling.
Unfortunately it takes TWO to say WE are a Married Couple and One To Say or Act like a ME and walk away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): If I were you and wanted to save the marriage, I would try to spice it up a bit in the bedroom. Nothing kinky or anything but a little extra loving goes a long way(outfits,heels,ect). I realize he's in the wrong here but you sound like you want to save it and I would assume you would be much better at it then some part time call girl would since you obviously know him better. If you want to go that extra mile for him to stay....that's the direction to head imho.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 January 2012):
 I am sorry for what you are going through and can imagine the pain and confusion that you are feeling. Its really difficult too when everyone thinks you are married to "mr perfect". Please see if you can get your husband to go to counselling, it could be what could save your marriage. I didn't have a husband who was out looking at escourts, but I was married to a man who was hiding that he was an alcoholic. Its terrible when they can lie right to your face and have all of these excuses even when the truth is staring right at them. My ex still denied he was an alcoholic even when the doctors told him he had only weeks to live because of the damage from the alcohol! If you can get your husband to admit what he's doing, there is hope. Without trust, a relationship cannot survive. I hope that you two can work things out. He is being secretive about the fiances to hide his "dirty little secret". Its like that "what you don't know won't hurt you attitude" I guess. He must think that you won't dig deeper. I know this is a painful subject, but if you haven't had yourself tested for STD..please do. For your own sake of mind. What he says and what he's actually doing may sadly not be the same thing and you need to protect yourself. Ending a relationship/marriage is never easy to do, especially when there are children involved. I wish you all the best and hope that you will let us know how you are.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 January 2012):
 First get some counselling for yourself to improve your ability to interact confidently with your husband and to assertively challenge him when he is possibly lying to you.
Then when you feel stronger encourage your husband to atennd couples counselling with you and your husband.
He knows how to behave properly in front of others. So he knows what is correct respectful behavior. Which makes it even more reprehensible when he possibly betrays you with other women.
You and your husband have children together. If he is really betraying you then he is showing you no respect at all.
And it sounds like he is good at living a lie - a manipulative man. One who would have no trouble lying to your face if he is possibly living an alternaitve life.
And if this is so then he may also exposing you to Sexually Transmitted Diseases, especially if he is indiscriminate about who he possibly has sex with.
Show that you are willing to do the work to heal this relationship, for the sake of your marriage, your children and yourself.
He can still try to paint you as the unstable one (potentially cheating partners, who are even potential abusers, love to do that when they are accused of things they really did do, but chose to deny it)
And make sure you do know what the two of you, collectively, earn, how much is in the bank, what loans are outstanding, how much the home and contents and any vehicles are worth etc. You do need to know the full financial position. As your husband he should not be secretive about such things. You are entitled to know these things. You are 50% of this marriage. Often it is worse than you think. Sometimes it is better. But you need this information now, just in case you do decide to seek a financial settlement from your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): As he appears to be lying to you and hiding things such as finances, then trying to talk to him might be a waste of time. He might have been watching pornographic things that he doesnt feel comfortable discussing with you. So he has gone off the rails, enlisting prostitutes to fulfil his sexual fantasies.
If i were in your shoes, i would research Key Loggers and discreetly installed one on my home computer. Then INSIST on seeing all bank and credit card statements for the past 12 months or so. You can access them online or order paper ones from your bank or credit card company. If he refuses to do that, then you know theres a lot more you havent discovered!
Saying he ordered and paid for a prostitute, rented a room and met her there but didnt do anything...is rubbish in my opinion. Why go to all that trouble if he wasnt willing to go through with it. I dont think you should rely on what this person is telling you, start investigating for a true picture of what he is really doing behind your back. Only then can you make an informed decision with regard to either, staying in the marriage and seeking help for him or asking him to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): I was married for 40 years when I found out the times that I questioned and looked the other way and forgave my husband for his affairs he let out all the details when he was drunk including that he
almost left me for another woman. The twist to this story he is blaming me for his affairs because I broke up with him before we were married and dated other men. He professed to have loved me but the cheating started after we were married two years. When he speaks of his affairs he sticks up for them saying they are nice women.( some were married)My advice once a cheater always a cheater
get out while you are young and can find happiness. Better
alone than be with someone who lies and spends money on
other women when it should be spent on you and your children. They do not change!!
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Hi,
I've just ended a 10 years relationship. I am in a similar situation, because he was perfect, but lived a secret dishonest life. I cannot accept or tolerate lies... How can you be with someone that is supposed to be your partner in life, but have the courage and audacity to lie in your face? I can tell you that he is being secretive with the finances, not because he doesn't trust you with the money, but because he's trying to hide where and how much he's spending on things you are not supposed to know. I am deeply sorry that you are going through this difficult time, no words can express the pain and the disappointment. It's really shocking for the lack of better word. Although we had so many years together, for me it was easy to walk away, but you are married to him and have children together to consider. I truly hope that you can find peace and hope that God can help you make the right decision and work on your marriage. In your situation, I can tell you for sure that he does love you very much, it's more about sexual needs? So, I do think that your marriage can be salvage with his help, maybe try a couples therapy? Find out if this is only sexual fantasy or addiction? You need help to forgive your husband and rebuild trust and your husband needs help with his secret life and lying.
I wish you the best and good luck
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