A
male
age
30-35,
*ufc2016
writes:My fiancé recently ended it with me 6 days ago. Saying out of the blue she wasn't happy. We only got engaged a month and half ago and had been trying unsuccessfully for a baby. A year and half ago her son died at birth and she never come to turns with it and I think now it has all built up and she is pushing me away, but I'm not sure she. She said some really horrible things like "I only got with you because my family said you was a decent person" just wondering how to win her back.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 June 2016):
 Like I said, sounds like she was rushing herself in an attempt to forget/move on.
However, my advice still stands that you shouldn't get engaged to anybody so soon.
I'd suggest giving it two months, but try moving forward in the mean time - don't pause your life while you wait.
A
male
reader, Mufc2016 +, writes (10 June 2016):
Mufc2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndie I forgot to say that she was the one that was hinting about getting engaged. But I've spoke to her today and she said she couldn't see a future for us (even though we talked about getting married and starting a family when we was together). Also towards the end she got a bit stressed and said to leave her alone, so I think that's what I'm gonna do. And hopefully in time when she got her head straight she may want to give things another go. So I was thinking about dropping her a text in about a month to see how she's doing and see what happens?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 June 2016):
This woman is a mess. She's clearly been pressured (by herself and/or others) into finding a guy to push her forward before she's ready. She appears to have spent the majority of the time since her son's passing rushing herself into things that aren't what she really needs.
I think you're better off without her and she's better off without anyone but herself, supportive family and a therapist. Take a break from dating, take your time when in a relationship and find yourself a new hobby or something to enrich your life again :)
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A
male
reader, Mufc2016 +, writes (7 June 2016):
Mufc2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo it wasn't her sons father it's a guy she was with for a few weeks before we got together and to top it all off he now works in the same place as me.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 June 2016):
I think you let her go. It sounds like she probably wasn't happy and felt like moving on with someone else would help her "forget" her loss - she may even have been pressured into dating.
I'm assuming it was her son's father? She wasn't ready to move forward and you need to leave her be now. Please don't get engaged so soon, in future; it can scare people off or just be the wrong decision. I'm sorry it's turned out this way, though.
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A
male
reader, Mufc2016 +, writes (7 June 2016):
Mufc2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I've just found out she's been texting her ex and he stayed over her on the weekend I don't know what to do now?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 June 2016):
Okay, I know this may sound harsh, but I'd strongly advise not getting engaged so soon, in future. If she lost her son only a year and a half ago, but you got engaged recently, you either weren't together very long or got together almost when it happened. If you got together just after it happened, she may not have had time to grieve to herself - she may have sort of thrown herself into the relationship as a distraction, which the "I only did it because my parents said you were a decent person" could very easily fit into, but that may not be the case. She said that out of hurt so, whilst it may not be true, I think you need to accept that is possible she wasn't as happy as she tried to be with you.If you got together several months after it happened, she still isn't likely to be "over it", as she saw her son and wasn't able to do everything she'd (presumably) been preparing for for almost 9 months. I mean, yes, she needs to move forward from it, but she will most likely have been imagining her new life being able to parent her child, watch them grow, send them to college, attend their graduation, be at their wedding, etc. and that was taken away from her - her whole plan for her life was changed instantly because she no longer had her baby. She may not feel like you were very sensitive to her feelings about it or that she needed support from you that you didn't give (maybe didn't know to give or didn't give enough of, unintentionally).The main point here is that she needs space and her own individual therapy to help her grief - after reading your follow up, I think it's best you leave her be for a month or something and suggest couples counselling only if she is interested it getting back into a relationship with you. I also think the engagement and trying for another baby was too soon, both realistically (it's best to get married before trying for a baby or at least make sure you work out as a couple for a few years) and for her. She may have subconsciously felt like it would solve her grief, but it probably made it worse because it was so rushed and she wasn't ready.Like Honeypie said, give her space. *Maybe* check in on her via message "how are you doing?" (no more, no less) one month from now, if she hasn't contacted you, but it may be over, so you need to live your life separate from her (you're no longer fiancées and shouldn't jump back into engagement, even if you get back together), without dating, and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 I would back of and give her space, and time to miss you and what you two had. Don't be available to her for a while.
IT sounds like she has some grieving to do and some feelings to sort out.
She knows that you are hoping for a second chance, so she knows that even if she is pushing you away that you are there... waiting.
That is why I'd advice that YOU go about living life without her. Without her being part of it. Don't date (you aren't ready for that. But go out with friend, spend time with family, do thing you enjoy, perhaps travel.
Show her that while you LOVE her, you aren't going to sit on your hands and wait for her to take you back.
And MAKE yourself the priority of YOUR life.
Maybe there is a silver lining that she didn't get pregnant. If she has all this "hidden" grief maybe she really wasn't ready for a child. I know that can sound harsh, but I mean it in a good way.
She needs to deal with her issues. You can't fix that for her.
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A
male
reader, Mufc2016 +, writes (6 June 2016):
Mufc2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo we wasn't together then but we're pretty close. And it kind of developed into a relationship over time. How do I suggest couples counselling?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 June 2016):
Was it a mis-type to say "her son", as I'm assuming you were together then, if you were engaged recently?
She probably needs therapy and she may not be happy with you. I'd suggest couples counselling, if she'll go for it. If not, give her a little time, but it may be over.
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