A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been married for 23 years and been with my husband since we have been 14 years old. I just recently found out he had an affair on me with a younger woman recently and has been seeing her behind my back for 7 months. I really want to work on things with him we have so much together but he just keeps telling me he lost all feelings for me years ago. Instead of coming to me and talking to me about it he is just telling me we are done. Can he get the feelings back we once had together or do i need to let him go and be with a woman 12 years younger than him and loose everything we have together. I keep telling him that we need to try counseling and he says no there is nothing to work on with us but he won't stop talking to this other girl either to try. What do i do i just want us to work it out i need help.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2016):
 You can drag a horse to water, but you can't MAKE it drink. Same with your husband.
Maybe what you need to do is focus on yourself (and if you have kids, them).
Do a trial separation. Tell him you wish him happiness, remind him by letting him go that you LOVE him and WHAT he will miss. Trying to "force" counseling won't work. Trying the "make" him stay won't work either.
He might discover that the "grass" isn't greener with this other woman real fast. It's quite common when people have affairs that the married person and the OW/OM figure out real fast that they CAN'T trust each other. But that is something HE has to figure out for himself.
It is incredible selfish to just "jump" from a 24 year marriage because it's easier than trying to figure out if it's salvageable or not FIRST.
I can imagine your pain and the feeling of loss. However, there IS life after a divorce, there CAN be happiness after a divorce. But like a relationship you HAVE to work for it.
So my advice is to do a trial separation. NOT for his sake but for yours. YOU deserve a partner who respects you, who loves you and who want to BE with you - that is no longer your husband.
Seeing a counselor may not be a bad idea, if your husband doesn't want to go.. go by yourself. Get some tools in how to deal with it all, how to re-start your life with out him.
And talk to a GOOD divorce lawyer as well.
I get that you just want to work it out and work on it, but HE doesn't. So now you have a round hole square peg situation.
You can't MAKE him do anything. But HE can divorce you. That is why I say DO the trial separation ( if both your lawyer and counselor are on-board) Show him that you still care, by letting him go.
I'm sorry there is no instant fix for this :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): If he's already given up on the relationship, there's not much you can do. So I would make sure that you have a really good lawyer and make sure that you are not giving things up. You seem very vulnerble and it's time to be the oposite of that. be what you think is mean but isn't really
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 June 2016):
 I understand that you have lot of legacy and fine memories being with your husband but I think you need not cling to it so hard so that the past is the reason to build the future. Your husband seems dead-set on breaking the marriage and I think you need some counseling yourself in order to grasp what are your best possible options in this situation. I'd suggest you not concern yourself with his 12-year younger mistress, instead for us on yourself and your best interests. Consider your finances, future without him, prospects of another man, emotional stability.. I cannot provide advice on any of those, but from my perspective, your marriage looks broken for good, and you should focus on your own interests, painful as it may be and inconvenient and unexpected that it is. To get a handle on these details, do see a counselor yourself and some legal advice as well.
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