A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm twetty three a virgin and with my first boyfreind who also a virgin and am his first gf I was abused as an adult for some years and it only came out seven months ago I was controlled by my abuser so I find it a bit harder to get close to him because I fine it hard to not shut off when we get a little physical he kind caring and undrstanding and I really like him but I don't want my self esteem issues from the abuse to push my bf away I want to get close to him physical I really need help on how to get close to him without losing confidence or associated him with the abuse that my abuser did I really like my bf and want to get more pysical with him
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really like him and don't want what happened in my past to effect realtionships I was control and was allowed a bf my abuser didn't let me and when my abuser got found out they commited sucide x am the happesit have ever been and don't want my past to effect what made me happy he kind caring understanding and I really like him x
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Ah, it sounds as though you are very early in the healing process. Definitely take things slowly and consider if you are really in a good place to even have a boyfriend just yet. The relationship could be helpful or perhaps it could cause problems. What did your counselor say about it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you I don't meean the proper pysical just the kissing and cuddle I can hug it sometimes and othertimes it fresks me out just depends I like being with him just came into my life when I least expected it
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Ah, yes, that feeling that he is too good to be true. Hm. Well, all I can say is that there's no need to rush physical intimacy with him. He's said he's happy to go at your pace, so if you are feeling anxious or worried about it, that's a sign you aren't really ready to move to that yet with him.
Get further into the counseling and I expect you'll be learning more about yourself. I'm sure your experience is alas not unusual nor are you the first woman to feel this way. The good news is that you are into the recovery process. Pushing yourself into physical intimacy before you are really ready just to try to keep him 'happy' would be a step back, don't you think? Like you've been trained by your abuser. So you have some things to unlearn and some new things to absorb and embrace.
Step one is to realize that you deserve nothing but support and tender loving care. At least that's what I think it would be. The counselor will have more experience than this than I do and should be helping you with the path to feeling whole and empowered again, whatever that looks like.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you xxxx I feel better in a way with my coucilling the hardest thing was telling him I was abused and he surpries me by saying he take things as my pace and he wait untill am ready because he understands ill find it hard x he amazing I just feel like it to good to be true if that makes sence x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Take it one step at a time. Don't worry about your boyfriend so much, worry about healing yourself right now. Your boyfriend sounds like he's sticking around through the difficult time, I expect he'll be happy to see you go through the counseling and come out with a greater understanding of what happened to you and how you can feel better in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks am currently going thought coucilling atm my boyfreinds knows about the abuse he so kind caring and understanding I just don't want to push him away because I'm scared because have only know it thought abuse
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Did you go through counseling after the abuse to help you? While our aunts are trying to help, they are not professionals or trained in this type of counseling. I really recommend you contact your counselor for help with this issue, and if you have not had counseling, it is time to seek it.
Womens Aid: http://www.womensaid.org.uk
Rape Crisis: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk
Best wishes to you in your new relationship.
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