A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a problem that is causing me a lot of distress. I've been with my partner for 6 years now, during which time I have supported him through all sorts of problems, including a messy acrimonious divorce.He has always been 'difficult' but can also be loving, generous, loyal and so on.However he is scared to make a commitment again because he lost a lot during his divorce so we do not live together.I've always known he can be a big ignorant and intolerant at times but I thought (stupidly I suppose!) that I could 'change' him or make him see things differently.Anyhow, recently he seems to be showing more nasty behavioural traits, much worse than ever before, including outright racist comments. I have 3 children from my marriage, which ended 11 years ago. My 3 children are all mixed race as my ex partner was black. My current partner has always disapproved that I had children with someone from outside my culture and has made comments about it in the past but I just put it down to jealousy or some such.Recently, one of my daughters started seeing a guy who she really likes and he is a mixed race guy and my partner went mad and said he does not want black in laws, would never move in with us if it meant there are going to be black in laws around .... and he even used a couple of very racist insults. I was stunned at his level of anger and at what he was saying because I always reasoned that he knew I had mixed race children when we got together so he must be ok with it.I was wondering if he his having some sort of nervous breakdown as he has changed a lot since his divorce became final and he seems very bitter. He is also rude about women, using words like 'Bit*h' etc ... and generally is showing a very bigoted side to him. Or was he a nasty piece of work all along and I just missed the signs??Does anyone else have experience of this sort of thing?? My daughter is insulted and offended about this as the guy she is seeing is very nice and she pointed out that he treats her better than my partner treats me at times. My daughter is 23, sensible and at university doing a masters degree and she has always chosen nice boyfriends - she says she focuses on the personality and personal qualities of boyfriends rather than stuff like looks/colour etc ... I feel distressed at his behaviour and am really feeling quite lost. I have no idea actually what to do. I have a good job, am well educated and yet he is making me feel like a small child who knows nothing by the way he speaks to me about this ... and he never loses a chance to remind me that I went out with a 'loser' (the father of my children was not a good partner and does not support his children but I was very young at the time, I was 16 when I met him) but I find it worrying and upsetting that my new partner brings colour/race into these arguments. Any comments or insights would be very much appreciated.Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Thank you for your answers. This has really upset me and I find myself wanting to make him see these things differently .. I feel 'compelled' if you know what i mean, to make him understand that his words are wrong and that what he is saying is all wrong. But I must admit he often sees 'stuff' generally in a wrong sort of way and one of his children said to me that it is impossible to reason with him about anything once he gets an idea in his mind about it. And yes I must admit I have called him a bully in the past. He told my daughter he will always be there for her but she said that he is not 'being there' for her if he can behave in this way, including calling me a 'bit*ch' when he can't get his own way or when I disagree with him. I feel quite stupid for missing some of the signs because I have been with him for years and fell in love with him passionately and really fell for his good side (he is/can be very very loving, generous, funny, sweet but he seems to have this other 'side' to him which is surfacing more and more). Thanks very much for your support - I do feel is he totally wrong and being a bully but sometimes my judgement gets clouded when he shouts & swears and tries to stamp his authority on any argument or discussion by raising his voice and being insulting.
A
male
reader, FEELITDOIT +, writes (10 May 2009):
Hi. I have one question: if your best friend was in exactly the same situation as you..... what would you be feeling?
You are clearly a lovely person and have brought up at least one well balanced and loving daughter.
Your boyfriend is a psychological thug.
He is sucking life and love from you.
Being with someone ought to be a joy and good fun. We should feel supported, loved and cherished.
How dare he say the things he has said.
You know what you need to do.
Lots of love x
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (10 May 2009):
 in a word- BULLY
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