A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all,I've been with my partner for 2 and a half years now and for the first while our sex life was crazy good. We were both on exactly the same page with the things we were into and the high sex drive we both had. One day it was really sore for her and we had to stop. This was just under two years ago. Since then we have not had sex at all. We've been to doctors and it's all ongoing still. They don't know what the problem is. So I've tried really hard to be patient and be really supportive to her and not pressurise her at all. The thing is its been so long now and I really miss what we had. I still have a really high sex drive and sorting myself out is beginning to not be enough. She says she wants to just avoid anything sexual as it makes her feel crap that she can't follow through so she won't even kiss me or touch me. I asked her to lend me a hand the other day and she didn't want to and then got upset. It's really bothering me and I don't really know what to do.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 I think there is a lot more going on here than just painful sex. You say this was almost two years ago. Doctors cannot see anything wrong. My guess is that her pain may be psychological and now she has lost all interest. If there is no affection at all in the relationship then you both really need to talk. Maybe going to a couples therapy session could help? It sounds like she has put up a barrier against you and that is not fair on either off you, you both deserve better. You need to communicate more and try and work through these issues or else the relationship won't last.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Sex is very important in a relationship. Age and medical conditions may hinder a regular or active sex-life; and long-term relationships and marriages often have to sort it out, if a relationship can still be maintained with a partner without it. Sex is sometimes downplayed or trivialized by some, who feel that if you love someone you'll learn to do do without it. You're not a villain if you decide a sexless relationship is not for you. Nor is the person who doesn't want it.
It isn't fair to poorly judge people who highly value sex in their relationships and feel so strongly they cannot stay if they do not have that as a part of their healthy relationship. It is an expression of love and affection. Otherwise; what is the point of a romantic-relationship of any kind, if there is no expression of affection, particularly sex?
Sir, you must communicate with your partner to determine if there are other underlying issues that she has not discussed openly with you. Have there been serious disagreements, has she gained extra weight, has she recently given birth,or had a miscarriage?
Here's a wild guess. She may be losing hope that the relationship will progress to marriage. She may want to discontinue birth-control, and she's avoiding sex to avoid getting pregnant. She may be having an affair, or suspect that you are.
Sometimes over-friendly or flirtatious men don't realize their flirting with other women (or men) destroys the self-esteem of their mates, and that seriously lowers any desire for them sexually. Though their partner's libido may be fully viable and exuberant. Sometimes they will lie and pretend they've lost interest; but may be seeking sexual-release through masturbation or with another partner. Leaving the flirt wondering what's up without a clue. It's sad how people will resort to cowardly or cruel passive-aggressive behavior before they'd just spit it out and be honest.
Sometimes they do, and insensitive assh*les don't bother listening, or just don't give a rat's ass. Yet can't understand why their partner is uninterested or has frozen them out. I'm not saying this is your case, but I respond to your question and try to help others as well. It may even apply to you; so be sure to introspect so you aren't burying things in denial. You must have her trust to fully have her love. There are always two-sides to the story. We only have yours. She deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Nowadays, people have loss the ability to communicate effectively. They hide their true feelings and intentions, and lie by omission. Expecting their partners to read their minds, or figure things out without a solid explanation. How can you resolve a problem without knowing exactly what the problem is?
Suggest to her that if she can't come up with an explanation; you will be forced to draw your own conclusions. The fate of your continued relationship will be based on what you feel to be the reasoning behind her lack of affection and sex. You may have no other choice.
Your decision should rest on how strongly you feel sex to be an integral and necessary part of a relationship for you. It also will depend on her reaction in response to your needing to know if there is a problem that might be fixed. An unresponsive partner is really no partner at all. They are people just using you to fill a void, and not offering anything emotionally in reciprocation. Review the relationship overall, and be sure not to make any hasty decisions or deliver unfair ultimatums.
You must know the facts, and be willing to deal with them wisely and maturely.
If she wants to preserve her relationship, the ball is now in her court. It is totally unreasonable to expect a healthy young man in his 20's to not want sex in his relationship. If she is no longer comfortable with sex or no longer wishes to have it in the relationship; then you can only consider ending the relationship and becoming platonic friends. Or just dump her altogether; if she feels no reason to work it out with you, and shows little to no concern regarding your needs. Perhaps she wants to end it, but doesn't have the courage to be honest about it.
Always be tender and patient. Address bedroom issues gently and tactfully, not with angry confrontation. Frustration pushes us easily to anger. Do not discuss it, if you feel angry.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 September 2016):
 Affection should still be there. If doctors aren't sure why sex is medically hard for her and attempting it makes her feel crap, I can totally understand, but there are easy to be intimate without sex - massages, kisses, cuddles, dates, foreplay (provided neither of you mind not having penetrative sex afterwards.
I can understand her side and being uncomfortable during sex is often a libido killer, but the affection shouldn't have gone away too.
Tell her how you feel and ask about the affection. If it stays this way, you need to break up, so you can find someone who wants to be intimate and she can live without the pressure of pleasuring someone.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 September 2016):
 You need to be honest with her mate, 2 years is a very long time to wait for something like that so fair play to you to be honest.
There's a lot of things that are deal breakers in relationships with sexual compatibility being one of then.
A lot of people in your situation could of looked elsewhere and cheated and you haven't done that. But you need to let her know how you feel and take it from there.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): You have to see her point of view and she has to see yours too. Thats what a relationship is all about.Its a medical condition she has that requires attention and compassion. Shes probably very ashamed and confused about what is happening to her and her drive for sex is prob non existent right now due to this. But sex is important, its fun and great ego booster and a wonderful way to connect with your partner. I think shes going thru a lot but also becoming quite selfish as she refuses to be touched or kissed too.I understand that if that is something my man went thru, Id support him til he is able to gain his sexual identity and hormones back but if two years of him not touching or kissing or making love to me, Id feel rejected, ashamed, unloved and depressed. I think you have to tell her how shes also making you feel so you can meet in middle. Even if there is no intercourse, there can still be enjoyable physical cuddling and kissing and laughter.If she is unable to make you happy and if your needs are not making her happy/frustrated, best to part ways and find partners who you are more compatible with. GOod luck!
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