A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my partner have been together 6 years, we have one child and a lovely little life but recently I've been finding myself getting upset because he doesn't seem bothered with marriage. This is something I was very clear about when we started dating and my partner has said he wants this too, we've even sat 'planning' what it would look like. Since having our child though it seems like he's less bothered and has recently said he's not sure, that it makes him nervous and he's in no rush. We're both 40 and although getting married at any age is of course fine, I genuinely thought I'd be married by now. It really upsets me that he doesn't seem to want to marry me and I feel almost stuck because I love him and we have a family but this is really important to me. I just don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2024): You sound happy with this man. I wonder what you think would change if you were married. It might be worth thinking about this and also asking him the same question. Then you can get to the bottom of it between you and find out why he's hesitating.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (9 October 2024):
 There could be a myriad of reasons why he is not so keen, but this does not mean he loves you less.
You say it makes him nervous, maybe its the thought of a huge gathering lasting all day long, then making a speech. Maybe the cost of a lavish wedding.
Why don't you suggest something really low key, a small wedding with just immediate family members.
Or just do it with the two of you, abroad, or a registry office in the UK
Just throw some ideas out there and see what happens. You sound like you both love each other, I am sure it will happen for you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2024): You may think I am being hard on you when I say this. But you could have made sure you did not live together or have kids together before marriage. I've often been in situations where a man wants living together or kids without marriage and I make sure it does not happen because it does not suit me.
Just as I never wanted kids, for all sorts of reasons, so I made sure I did not get pregnant, regardless of what the man wants. You are in control of your future, if you allow him to make all of the decisions he gets what he wants and you get shafted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2024): Why is it important? Even if he was eager and wanting to spend a fortune on a wedding and a honeymoon that is no guarantee that you will still be together or keen on each other a year later. And if you push him to talk about this - which I think you do - the further away he moves from it. You may think it is him being keen but going on about something until the other person says yes is a hollow victory, he would just be saying it because he is worn down and it is easier - like a suspect being grilled by the police. And he would end up hating you for it. Eager to escape from you, as you would be coming across as needy, selfish, pig headed, insecure, low self esteem, self destructive, naive and self serving. You are talking as if he must prove himself to you and prove he cares about you. Which is the same as saying he is worth more than you and more special than you. By going on about getting married you are telling him you are scared of losing him and don't trust him, but he never has to worry about losing you.It is not in the interests of your baby for him to marry you because it suits you either. Some women get married to a man in this sort of situation and then they say oh dear, what a shame, he has gone off with someone else, as if getting married would stop that happening. Dream on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2024): You can't make him marry you.
Saying that it "makes him nervous" and that "he's in no rush" is not an explanation. I would ask him WHY and talk to him without making demands.
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