A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I am 38 and my boyfriend is 33. We don't have joint bank accounts but, after 5 years we are now ready to make a commitment to getting a house together. My concern is something that has niggled me all along but is now a real issue. My boyfriend seems very happy to discuss our private and personal finances with his brother. He comes from a background where their parents divorced and money was a real issue in their family. However I come from a background where I have worked hard, saved hard and not got into debt. Money is not an 'issue' in my family from that perspective. I have said to my boyfriend on many many occasions that I understand his brothers concern but that it is really important to me that we create some boundaries in our private life, for example around money, and he dismisses it. Yet I repeatedly hear him on the phone, quite openly, discussing how much we spend on things and how much things cost and my boyfriend told me that his brother believes that I should be earning a lot more before we commit to buying a house together and even asked him whether we argue about money!! Even more strange is that, for the most part, despite separate bank accounts, I have funded most of the purchases for our rented house - such as furniture and so I have clearly demonstrated I am trustworthy even though I do earn less than my boyfriend. My boyfriend happily spends money on going out and yet struggles to save money. I do not want to drive a wedge between people but I feel that something is not quite right and the feeling is growing and growing. I am starting to doubt whether we should look at buying a house together when we are not on the same wavelength about money. Is this situation wrong or am I being over cautious?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 It's not so much the financial problems I see, but you do both have different family relations. Your b/f comes from an open family where everything is on the table and discussed. You came from a family where things were more private. Have you told him you're not comfortable with so much of his "open" discussions? Oddly enough, it's usually the women who talk openly to their Mom's or sisters about intimate things (money, sex etc.) If what you're doing financially seems to be working, I wouldn't worry too much about the balance, as long as it IS balanced. I think you're better off to buy a house AFTER you marry, but that's just my opinion. The difference I see with you two financially is you're a saver, he's a spender. That can sometimes work because if you're both spenders, there's no money for emergencies etc. And if you're both savers, you end up living a very meager existence. As long as you are able to carve out some money to save, and he's allowed to spend somewhat freely (so long as he's not an obsessive compulsive shopper) I think it'll work out just fine. He just needs to limit the dialog and information given out to his family.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Until you're committed enough to get married, don't worry about it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 I say how he deals with his own finances and his own brother is up to him. But he has no right to discuss you economy with his brother. So tell him you will have none of that. And that you do not wish to hear what the brother is suggesting, as it is not the brother who is going to buy a house. However, your boyfriend clearly feels insecure about his finances and seeks advice from his brother, which he should be allowed to. But he shouldn't give out details about your economy, that is private and only between you and your boyfriend.
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