A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Q: For most people, when they decided they want to get married, is it OBVIOUS that they want to get married to this other person. Is there this strong inner voice going, "YES! YES! YES! Of course I want to marry this person!"?I'm 30 and in a relationship with a woman who is 33. My intention has been to stay single until my late 30's at the earliest (career, travel, etc...things I'd like to do before considering marriage). But she is so wonderful. Really my best friend (we started off as best friends before). I can see myself living a long, happy life with her. BUT she's 33 and wants kids (as do I) which means that we'd essentially have to start popping them out right away. I'm nowhere near ready to have a kid. But more importantly, I don't have that inner voice saying, "Of COURSE this is the one to marry." Instead, I'm thinking of this from a position of a fear: what if I turn away someone with whom I could've had wonderful life? I've found that making decisions out of fear rather than gut-feel is not a great foundation on which to build a relationship. My gut-feel is that I'm just not ready even though this woman is incredible and I really could see myself living a long, happy life with her......but am I being foolish? Maybe I'm holding out for the Holy Grail? Maybe I'm waiting for an inner voice that'll never speak?
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Look as it's basic maths really, either you feel you can spend the rest of your life with this person or you don't end of dilema. Sorry to sound harsh here but you sound selfish. I said that she sounds like your ideal mate because you state that you are good friends and that she is wonderful. If you have that in a marriage then you are made. You are one of those horrible committment phobic men I suspect. Sorry to sound this way but that's what I see.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): [Original Poster] The reality is that if we didn't start having kids right away (given her age of 33) and had them later our kids would be at much higher risk for birth defects. Really don't want to risk that.
Ideal mate? What does that even mean? There's always an "ideal" vision that you can hold in your head that no female will ever live up to. I guess at some point you have to feel comfortable with someone who doesn't have everything you want. But in this case, I worry about (1) the age and (2) the sexual attraction (among other smaller things). The latter is there...but it's not crazy there. Both these things I point out are a pretty big deal
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (9 June 2010):
I think some people do get that very strong inner voice and for others it's that they can't imagine not being with this person anymore. Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to have kids straight away. You need to decide together when you are both happy to have them.
By the way I think you should marry this girl she sounds like your ideal mate.
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