A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am back together with my ex boyfriend after splitting up for 4 months. After constantly seeing each other (as we moved in the same circles), we became closer and decided to get back together, however before that we only dated for 3 months and our dating situation was completely casual, we just enjoyed each other’s company and it progressed into a relationship. He is a lovely, interesting, quirky, truly creative man however, my problem is my parents have been on my back about meeting him pretty much 2 weeks after we initially started going out. I just don’t feel ready despite we have technically been going out for almost 6 months, neither does he. My mother in particular feels like I am "hiding" him for a reason and she is worried but she just doesn’t understand that I feel like we just are not at that point regardless of how long we have been dating and that I am still finding my feet in our relationship. We even mutually agree that this relationship is not yet serious, we are just seeing how things progress and taking things as they come and we are both happy with that. But my parents are adding pressure on me which makes it difficult for us to have a laid back relationship and just generally enjoy dating him. They feel that me not bringing him home reflects him and that there is a reason why I don’t want them to know what he is like which simply is not the case.How do I make it clear to them that I am just not ready in a mature and understandable way? I understand their concern and eagerness to meet him, but I need more time to get to know the real him myself before I can expect others to get to know the real him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): Hi, I am the original poster.
Both of you have really good advice in your answers, thanks !
In regards to the "real him" i suppose that came out wrong, im still getting to know him and hes still getting to know me.
To both of us, meeting the parents is a scary, big deal as we have both never met a boyfriends/girlfriends parents.
I suppose him comming to pick me up and having a casual meeting a few times and then having a proper meeting would be the best way to go.
I will just explain that the relationship is casual and i have no problem them having a quick chat with him when he comes to pick me up or somthing, but still explain that the relationship is causal and we are not ready for a family dinner together as we dont know if we want to get into a serious relationship as of yet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): "that there is a reason why I don’t want them to know what he is like which simply is not the case." Actually this is the case. 6 months you've been on/off with this guy and you're still not comfortable with your parents meeting him? You do have a reason you don't want them to meet him deny it to yourself all you want but you do. That reason is as you said that it's not serious yet, bringing someone home to your parents is to you a sign of seriousness and you're not there yet. Except it's not a serious issue at all. OP if he's so lovely and nice and all those things then why are you afraid for you parents to meet him. It's not a serious thing at all and your mother is right, you are hiding him for some reason, you say it's because you're not serious yet but that doesn't really wash, because you know each other well enough now and after 6 months you should be confident that he will act well in front of them. They just want to meet him so they know who is dating their daughter, that's not a lot to ask after 6 months.
Just tell them that it's not a real relationship, you're not serious and you have made no commitment to each other. That neither of you feel comfortable with a meeting taking place yet, that even after 6 months you're still only fooling around and it's not serious enough for you to consider a meeting.
You want to tell them in a mature and understandable way then tell them the truth. Don't expect them not think you're hiding him because you are.
What's the "real" him by the way? Has he been faking it or acting for 6 months? You're looking too deep into this and you are hiding him because really what do you expect to happen when he meets them? It's just not that big a deal but you won't even let them meet him for ten minutes, so yeah they have every reason to be concerned because you are hiding him. I mean I will meet any of my girlfriends parents whenever I go to pick them up at their house and it doesn't matter if it's the first date or if we've just met.
What's wrong with a quick "Hi how are you, I've just come to pick up your daughter for our date" It's not an interrogation and if you had weren't hiding him there'd be no problem.
It sounds to me like you're unsure of this guy yourself, if so then just tell them that. Because you see it doesn't really make much sense that he hasn't even met them briefly after 6 months of dating. Not even a casual hello.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 As an adult I can understand where you are coming from. But as a parent, I can understand how your parents must feel as well. It doesn't matter to them if you are planning to marry the guy or not, they just want to met the guy you are spending time with. It doesn't have to mean that you are at the lets be serious and met the parents stage. It's just something that you can do for them right now to help them feel better about your safety and well being. No matter how old you are, parents worry. And your boyfriend should be able to respect and understand that.And what if you do get serious down the road? Do you really think your parents will ever be happy with the same guy that refused to even meet them when they asked? If you ever want their help paying for your wedding, to him or anyone else, I suggest you try a little harder to see things from their point of view from time to time. It's not like it will hurt either one of you to met them for dinner or something. Just be clear to them that it's not a serious relationship yet so they should watch what they say to him. No, so what are your intentions with our daughter speaches or anything like that. As long as they promise not to do anything like that, I fail to see what harm it would do to either of you to give them some peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, live2loveandlearn +, writes (7 March 2011):
It seems that your feelings are well thought out here. Have you considered just saying exactly what you've said here to your parents?Of course, all parents are normally eager to meet their son or daughter's 'love interest'. However, I see nothing wrong with telling them the truth as you've said it here. Tell them that you are still finding your feet in the relationship, that you and your boyfriend both agreed that right now it is not serious enough to bring parents into the equation. Tell them that you want to make sure of your feelings for him before you bring him home to the folks, and that it has nothing to do with him having anything to hide from them.Your parents may push a bit, but generally if they accept your feelings an respect you as an adult, they should understand. In the meantime, what is the harm in telling them about him? Describe him to them, his looks and his personality, his beliefs and values. Maybe even show them a picture or two. These sorts of things will soothe their worries until you reach a level of comfort with bringing him home.
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