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anonymous
writes: How much parents responsible for their children's happiness?My children are grown ups no, but they are all of them totally unhappy.seroius drug problems, not finding love, not finding anything good about life.Also , financial dependence,and asking for too much help.Seems ,parenting giving never ending, and it is eating up my marriage.If I SAY NO,I feel guilty, I feel,I'm risking my realtionship with them. Also it seems ''most grown ups''' gets support, and than you compare yourself and feel bad again. Because , I hear it all the time, helping grown up childrens are the worst thing you can do to them, as they never learn responsibilty. So how can I stop helping them, when they are broke from their own choices? Because I feel terrible,when I don't help.What should be the right thing? thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Thanks very much! It is very good feeling for me, that you all gave me your understanding,and some solid advice. it is so hard to find this mix, when you are firm, but not mean, as me and my husband ,we are both too kind to our kids. But with support,and learning, we will find a better way to deal with this situation. You are right, they seem to be weaker every time, we helped them out. It's a funny thing, you think, you are good to them ,but no ,you will actually make them more misarable. Thanks again...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): You are not responsible for their happiness. No adult can do that. Happiness is something people find within themselves, or they do without.
Your question is more: are you still responsible for their care and feeding? The answer to that is no as well. Not unless you *choose* to accept that responsibility. Now lets say that you do. What happens when they've run through all your assets, ruined your marriage, and then you're gone. They still haven't learned how to be self-supporting, and they'll go down to whatever level they're going to end up at regardless.
A parents' responsibility is to love and *morally* (NOT financially) support their offspring. Love can and does include tough love, and does NOT include shielding them from the consequences of their actions. Doing so perpetuates the problem, it will never solve it.
Cut them off from financial assistance today. Let them know that you love them, but your love doesn't have anything to do with cash. Be strong -- that's your last big parenting task.
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reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I can understand helping them out if they are in full time education or have suddenly lost their job.
But to fund a drug habit... Not a chance! It's their own doing, I would make a compromise, clean up and get a job and help out a little, but so much as one spliff and they are back on their own!
I have been to my parents cap in hand after being an idiot as a young man (late teens early 20s - taking out silly finance)but I made sure I paid them back every penny, and now they are getting on I am well aware, I may have to help them out, and I am financially stable enough to do this, with their guidance and help.
Do you think that by bailing your kids out and putting yourself out of pocket will secure them enough that in the future they will be able to look after you, or do you think that realistically they will blow the money (your pension fund) and have nothing to show for it.
Times are tight and pension funds aren't what they once were, I am very aware even in my late 20's that I have to save now to survive in my retirement, and I worry that my parents will cope at all.
I think your kids are selfish and do not understand the testing times we are going to face in the next 10-15 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): you children need to man up. get themselves together you are thir mum yes, but not responsible for their actions.my mum has no impact on who i see, what friends i have or what uni i go to because i made those decisions myself.i don't expect her to cradle me when it goes bad niether.you and your kids need to except that bad things happen and thats life. they chose drugs, thats their problem their issue to sort out. stop giving them money because you might be indirectly supplying them.what good is that? your children need a reality check remind them that there are worse things that could happen. there are people out in the world starving, raped but you don't hear them whining about it instead they get on with their lives. force them to get off the drugs, seek proffesional help take them to a clinic something. stop cuddling them!it's not getting you anywhere and they are adults so they can take care of themselves. yo need to think about yourself too.don't let them bully you for money refuse instead encourage them to get a job. if thy have one already a better job! or two even.
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reader, Sqrepg  +, writes (15 April 2009):
I understand your feelings - I have a grown daughter, I raised her pretty much by myself. There are many things I wish I hadn't done because it didn't teach her responsibility. I gave her a lot of money to pay off a credit card, etc. What I've heard many times and believe to be true is that our kids have more respect for us when we do what is right for them. If this means saying "no" to requests for money or whatever, then that's what we do. Especially if it is risking a relationship to someone we care about or a marriage. Raising kids isn't easy and I think the hardest thing to do is teach them to be responsible adults. But the only way they can become that way is to cut those apron strings. I wish you all the best..
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