A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short. Me and my brother found out last summer that my dad was cheating on my mum. They have been married for 30 years and he's been cheating for the last 4 years. My mum didn't know, and because of her love for him she didn't kick him out. However, over the year there have been so many arguments between them, she decided that it was best he moved out and they got a divorce. So, my dad moved out in the middle of April and I got used to it.After everything he has done to my mother, and there have been some things he has said to me that I won't bother mentioning as this question will then turn into an essay. But my mum has still let him have a key to the house, and I dont understand why. There is no need for him to be here anymore, they're getting divorced, my mums love for him has gone now (I would know because we talk about it quite abit). I really can't stand it when he's near me. Anger keeps building up inside of me, and I don't see why he needs to be in my mums house anymore. There is no need for him to be here, and there is nothing for him to do here. We don't talk, all he does is brings his laptop from his mums house and goes on it here. Now, normally I was fine with it, when he used to live here.. But now, even when he's typing loud, it annoys me.. It's such a minor thing, but I can't stand anything he does. I've said 'Why are you here? There is no need for you to be here' because there really isn't.. I rather him not be here because I don't like his presence.Don't actually know why I feel this way, but I was so close to my dad. Way closer than my mother, used to tell him everything.. Now I rather not know him.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 Oh gee, let me try to analyze your feelings. It is going to be a thoughie. Freud would be challenged.
Lets see... eh... betrayal? Not that hard after all I guess.
He cheated not just on your mother but on you as well. He broke the family and with that your rolemodels. Children look at their parents for their vision of what adult relationships are like. Put more bluntly, daughters marry their fathers. Not literally of course unless you come from a bible belt.
Your anger is understandable and I am not the kind to say forgive and forget. But you need to deal with it. His own reasons for being there? Probably because he hopes that things will just go back to the way they were. A romantic view would be that he misses what he had, more likely he just doesn't like the new reality he created for himself. Living with your mother is not an ambition of most middle aged men.
For yourself, you need to accept that your father, the man who raised you, changed your diaper, thaught you how to ride a bike, is just an ordinary mortal. Someone who makes bloody stupid mistakes for no good reason. Unless you are a saint and know 100% certain you will never ever hurt anyone else, you cannot judge him. Yes, he hurt you, but we all do that because we sometimes just don't think before it is to late.
Now, there is one point. Apparently he has said somethings but I have no idea what. Were they hurtfull? I don't know. But they might be essential to what you have to do. For all I know he told you he wants to have sex with you, or told you his car needs an oil change. (that would be awful, no father should ever talk to his daughter about car details)
Either accept that he is no longer the perfect dad but just a man and forge a new relationship, less parent child, more that of two equals. Elder and younger. He can still be father, even if he fell of his dad pedestal.
If what he said cannot be forgiven, then make this clear and that by forcing his presence he is only making you hate him more. But you also got an option, leave the house. you are an adult, you don't need to live with your mother anymore. With distance the relationship with your father might settle down as well.
For that matter, go to your room if he is there. Laptops ain't all loud, so why are you close enough to be irritated? Love and hate are close and we only hate if we still care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): Humans are imperfect. That's just the way it is.
He was wrong in what he did to your mom and to your family, but he is paying the price.
Forgiveness is an incredible virtue and your father needs SOMEONE. We cannot leave people in the dirt. Especially those closest to us.
I can't imagine how you must feel, honestly, but I do know, that hating your father is not going to change the past.
~SY.
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