A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts I was at my family holiday dinner and I said that I don’t want to have kids to my family and they looked at me like a deer in the headlights. My parents are miserable (arranged marriage). I was born in a communist country but I came here when I was 2 so I am very Americanized. I can’t relate to my family and my friends that are rushing to get married just the sake of being marriedMy question is this- I have been in two failed relationship (mostly my fault because I have let men step over me and I’m a pushover) now that I have been alone for two years I don’t believe in it anymoreIs there something wrong with me? I don’t believe in love - I know my close friends and my mom are miserable but I don’t feel like pretending .I don’t get excited when I see baby pictures and twenty pics with “the best hubby and baby” titles. I’m not jealous because I know most of it is a fascade My question is - is this normal? I am almost 32 .. I haven’t dated - I feel I just am tired of trying. And I also don’t believe that a man can love you a 100 per centIt was hard this holiday because when I spoke to my mother she doesn’t care as long as I am married with kids If anyone has gone through this phase I would love advice
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 December 2017):
 I agree. It's perfectly normal to not want children, but it's best not to base that decision on 2 poor relationships.
My advice, for starters is you not make these kinds of declarations to people. It makes the issue a bigger deal than it should be and you're practically inviting comments.
Another piece of advice is you can stop blaming yourself for other people's bad behaviour. It's true that people will treat us the way we'll let them but that doesn't absolve them. I bet there are plenty of people out there wouldn't retaliate if I slapped them but I still choose not to do it.
Self respect, like respect for others, is earned and you earn it by doing the same things you'd admire in others. Learning this is a process so pace yourself and tackle it in manageable portions.
Reflect back on those relationships and take note of when they began to turn and what was happening at the time. Maybe you expected the butterflies to last longer than they did or maybe you allowed these men to be more comfortable than you should have. This is an opportunity to learn from past mistakes not to self flagellate.
You are still a young woman with, God willing, many years ahead of you so take each day as it comes.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2017):
 One thing is not wanting kids. It happens. Some know early on, some change their minds etc.
I think part of your reasoning is that you haven't found someone you would actually like to have kids with. You have given up after having two shitty failed relationships with guy who turned out to be low quality men.
Even if you DO want a guy in your life, just not kids. It is possible. I think giving up entirely because of 2 crappy experiences is sad. HALF the World's population are guys! Which means there are some out there worth it.
And I don't think men are less capable of loving than women are. I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to love you 100%. As long as they LOVE you for who you are and accept that you have flaws.
Learn from the shitty guys what you DO NOT want next time, if you get brave enough to try again.
As for not wanting kids, nothing wrong in that. There are plenty of humans on Earth.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (27 December 2017):
First of all let me say,that not everyone wants to get married and have children.There are many single men and single women..living quiet happy lives and do not feel the need to get married.So if this is your choice it is quiet Normal for you.Nobody has the right to push their ideas on you.However you might consider having a long chat with your mum,telling her how you feel at this time.We are all different in what we need in life to be happy.No doubt your mum would have your best interest at heart[because her way of thinking for you is to get married/children this is the way she was reared and also as you stated her marriage was arranged] ,so i can understand why she would think this way.Explain in a gentle way to her that you are happy with your life .Best wishes.NORA B.
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