A
male
age
36-40,
*enQ
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for just over 6 months.I love her to bits, things are going great. I have what I deem to be the usual male paranoia, as we live about 50 miles apart that she'll find someone better than me and live happily ever after.She is at uni, and I am starting uni this year in september after taking a gap year to work. I got accepted into the uni I have wanted to go to and the course I have wanted to go to since I was 13, but this means another at least 3 years of living far apart, which she says she just can't take.I have never forced her but we came to the decision of moving in together, and I offered to move somewhere in-between, so we could both commute bus she said she'd happily move with me.So now, in September, she'll move in with me, changing her course at uni, moving further from her family, moving from all her friends from school, who all went to the same city.I feel guilty as she is sacrificing so much for me and I love her so much I want her to know I'd do the same for her but she says it's fine and she wants to move.Problem being - On 2 occasions she has got upset about the whole thing, saying she thinks it's a bad idea and that she is unsure what to do, but the majority of the time she is okay with it.I don't know what to do. Secretly I'd want nothing more than her to be living with me but I don't want to pressure her. If things go bad between us, I'd still be where I wanted to be, and she'd be the one left stuck.All and any help would be greatly appreciated.BenQ Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): You are crazy to allow this situation to happen, you have simply not been together long enough to have such a commitment with each other and your girlfriend especially is giving up too much to be with you.You are obviously quite sensitive people, and you both have become quite dependant and close to one another, this is not really a bad thing but it is in your circumstances. This is probably both your first serious relationship - isn't it? If we can even call it that at 6 months on.You are going to change a lot at university, both of you are, you need your independence. The last thing either of you need (or will come to want) is having a life of cohabiting with each other - save that for when you have been together longer and *truly* know each other.50 miles is nothing. If you guys are meant to be together you will stay strong and be able to have a perfectly happy and great relationship - whilst retaining some independence that you *need* to have. I think you know it is not a sensible idea for her to move in with you - but I think with your inexperience in relationships and your untarnished views of love towards her you are probably going to go ahead with it anyway. Be careful, you could very easily end up both ruining what are supposed to be the best years of your life. All the best.
A
female
reader, flatpack84 +, writes (9 February 2007):
 I have been through a similar experience - my b/f started uni the year I graudated, moving a 4 hour train ride away. Before that period we only saw each other at weekends. I initially promised to move with him, but realised it wasn't what I really wanted and pulled out. We are still together, talking most days and seeing each other about once a month and holidays (remember, there are plenty of them!!)
If you really care for her, perhaps let her know that it would be OK if she doesn't come, its a big upheaval and she will be giving up a lot. Personally, I think it could end in resentment and unhappiness if she gives up her course and friends to follow you. You are both young and have your whole lives ahead of you.
Nothing is certain but you can but try - if you two feel deeply enough about each other perhaps you can re-assess the situation a year on. Remember, things will change for you too once you start. This is a difficult time of life, and perhaps you should not try so desperatley to force the relationship to work, letting it progress naturally may be the only way.
Long distance relationships CAN work, perhaps try talking to your g/f about how she truly feels about everything the change would entail and try to be objective. It is only 3/4 years and if you're still together at the end you have the rest of your lives to live together.
Good luck, I wish you all the best.
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