A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm extremely overwhelmed. I am married with 3 kids ages 5 and under. I'm a stay at home mom and i do everything!! Cooking, cleaning, taking care of everyone and i feel like i have completely lost myself. I used to have hobbies and a life and i just feel like i've lost touch wit who i am. My husband used to be so easy to talk to and so understanding but lately, its not like that. I cant even express how i eel without him saying im "complaining too much" For instance today i finally told him that i'm very tired and i really need a break. I even suggested he helped out a lil bit more around the house. His response "why do you complain so much" so i just said forget it. I have no one to talk to. We moved away from family and friends due to a great job oppurtunity for him. I just feel like the one person i should talk to about everything is becoming sexist n condensending. How can i speak my mind? How can i find my own life? I just feel like i can snap any min n i have warned everyone that i really need a break!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u everyone for your suggestions! I finally mapped out what my 5 yr plan & a few schedules that could possibly work for everyone but..... Yesterday, my husband informed me that he wants a seperation "since im not happy." I cried about it last nite a lil bit but then realized it's not me and he was waiting on an excuse to leave me. He started packing his stuff up and had a paper written out of the things he wants when we fo to court. Sounds like he has been planning this out for awhile! As much as i hope he will change his mind, i will not be emotionally tormented and constantly go back and forth with him to stay. Every time we disagree he says he wants a divorce and i always convince him to stay and not think irrationally. There is no infidelity going on (at least on my side) so i don't understand what the grounds of divorce would be exactly. Whatever happens, i will be ok.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): I agree with talking to your husband and taking control of the situation. In fact, your husband may need a break as much as you with his new job, which could explain his unresponsiveness.
I would talk to him from that angle and ask if you and him could both take a break, go away together for the day or weekend. He might even help you find a sitter or plan the getaway. It would do your whole family good.
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reader, Brokenv  +, writes (2 August 2014):
You do deserve a break. Your husband needs to listen. Taking care of 3 kids under 5 is exhausting. You husband may work but when he comes home from his job he is on shut down mode. Your job is 24/7!Have you checked out the local programs for mom's with children. Have you checked with the library? How about the community centre. Most of these programs are friend. You can meet other mom's and the kids can play friendly in a safe environment. Have you asked your mom (of his mom) to come for a week so they can give you a hand? What about a sister or brother? How about your best friend? Your husband and you can also enjoy an evening out. I realize you live away from them but if you don't explain that you need a break they will never know. Find a local mom and do switch babysitting. She can babysit yours and you do the same for no cost.Talk to your husband. Sit down and tell him this conversation is important to you. I do agree with him no one wants to hear anyone complain. Word it differently. You deserve a break! Take one when you can.Good luck xx
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 I don't know you, or know what would be best for you to do. But if I was in your situation, feelings like you describe, here's what I'd do.
I'd talk to my husband first and foremost. Not typical complaining. But sit him down and talk to him. I'd write down the points I want to get across, so that I remember them all and can walk through it all. It can also help him understand if my thoughts are structured and gathered, rather than fleeting and spontaneously expressed. If told I complain too much I would respond with saying that there is much to be complained about, and that I am overwhelmed. I need to express myself, and try to find solutions, rather than bottle things up.
Most men are practical and want to find solutions as well, so hopefully, as long as you focus on finding a solution (and not just complain) he will be more eager to listen and help you out.
First I would identify what exactly is wrong. Why am I feeling the way I feel? Would him helping out around the house be helpful? Or would I rather need a day off, for example? Maybe every other Saturday or Sunday I get to go somewhere by myself and do something else, if only for a period of say... two months? To see if that helps? I would brainstorm a bit and try to think of possible scenarios and solutions before talking to my husband. What do I really need?
I'd focus on getting relaxation first and foremost. If overwhelmed, the first instinct of mine is to flee the situation. Remove myself. It is easier to see things clearly from a distance. So distance would be my first priority, hence my suggestion of a day off to myself. To think. Sort out my head. Figure out what I want, what I need, where to go from here.
The next step is to think about what I wanted before, if I have achieved it, if it was the way I thought it would be, or if I haven't achieved the things I wanted. What do I want to do? What is the next step? What do I need to do with my life? I have typically always had a mental plan about where my life is headed, and what I want to do. But not everyone has this, and I am wondering if perhaps you haven't thought so much through this. Perhaps you do not know what you want, really? Or perhaps you thought being a stay at home mom is what you wanted, but have come to find it not fulfilling. That's okay, you can't ever know how things will be until you find yourself in that situation.
But now is the time to be proactive and take control of your own life. Yes, you have kids and a husband, but you are still in control of YOUR life. They don't control that. You do. You can do what you want. You will just have to be practical about it in terms of your family. So taking off traveling abroad by yourself for 6 months. But, a week away with a friend somewhere? Sure, that can be done. Your children have grandparents who can watch them. Or your husband can take them at a time when he's got time off.
Or, you get a baby sitter or two and you and him spend quality time together. Could also be helpful. Adult conversation.
Invite your family/friends up to stay a week and help you out. Just a suggestion.
If you want to have a career and work later on, when the kids are at school/kindergarten, then think about what you want to do. Do you need some schooling first perhaps? What classes would you need, where can you take them, what would it cost etc etc. Think about these things, nothing is impossible, you just need to customize the plans to fit with family life. But it can be done. As long as you know what you want, it can be done.
I'd think ahead about what I'd want when the children are older and in school. You can't stay at home for the rest of your life. I know, some do that, but I don't think you're cut out for that. You're too intelligent. You need intellectual stimulation, or else you'll go bonkers. So think ahead. For now you're at home, but in just a few years the kids wont need you to be home all the time, they will be in school. By that time, I hope you have figured out what you want and need in life, and have been able to communicate this to your husband so he can support you to achieve your goals.
Don't complain about your life. Instead, make plans for how to change the things you're not happy about. Realistic plans, not day dreams. And then set out to do the things you want, even if it is scary to move outside of your comfort zone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): Hire a baby sitter once or twice a week so you can do your hobbies
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): I agree you need a break. I think you deserve it.I would take a professional massage. 60 minutes. It does wonders. I had my first one today and was humming afterward. I had checked reviews online.I say first because it won't be the last. :)
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 August 2014):
 Your husband deserves rest too after a long day at work and the weekends. Perhaps a break is not so possible in your living situation? What I suppose is that just an appreciation goes a long way, and a promise for a better future helps too. Maybe just have him listen would make you feel supported. When you are wrapped out in your own work it is easy to miss what the other is doing, and you only see how hard you are working. Maybe you can start with appreciating him first. When you do this first it could inspire him to do the same. He's not complaining not because his job is not hard, but because as a man he learns to keep it under control. When you complain it makes him feel frustrated because he can't think of a solution to alleviate your work load. But you need to let him know that just by listening it helps a lot.
I am not sure if there is anything more to find at this moment since the kids need you and childcare is costly with three. Instead of feeling that happiness is out of your reach, maybe accept this is how it is right now, and be thankful that you have a family, and a husband who comes home every day.
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