A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance and thank you for reading this.I am a 21-year old, divorced single mother and full time student. When I was married, I had been cheated on multiple times, lied to, called names, neglected, and manipulated, among other things. After my divorce, I spent a few months trying to find myself again.. engaging in new activities, spending more time with friends, rebuilding my self-esteem, and becoming more independent. I was beginning to really enjoy my new found freedom, when unexpectedly, another guy came along. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but we just seemed to click, so it happened anyway.Now we have only been together a couple of months, but things have already gotten pretty serious. Pretty much from the beginning, he constantly tells me how amazing I am and how he's so glad we met. About three weeks into the relationship, he said he loves me, and although I have said it back, I don't feel the need to say it over and over again, all day long, like he does. Don't get me wrong, I do care for him, but not long after this started, I realized how insecure and needy he really is. We have spoken about it, and because he has been cheated on and hurt in past relationships, I kind of understand. But at the same time, I have not and would not do anything to betray his trust, but he still treats me as if I'm going to.For example, he wants us to spend as much time together as possible, which is pretty much ALL the time. He gets on great with my 4-year old son, which I like, but that doesn't mean I want him around us constantly. He seems to think that *I* need help with everything, and whenever I say I can't hang out because I have to do homework, dishes, laundry, run errands, feed my son, etc.. he just says he will do it with and/or for me. When we aren't together, he texts ALL day, asking what I'm doing, where I'm going to be that day, and when is the next time he can see me. If I say I'm going somewhere for X amount of time, he wants to come over immediately when I get home. On the nights that he doesn't sleep over here, he texts about how he wishes we were together, and misses me so much, and wants to cuddle.. always accompanied by sad faces.For the first couple of weeks, it seemed nice to have a guy that actually paid attention to me, but it quickly became too much. I missed a lot of school work at first and tried to catch up, but I'm made to feel guilty if I'm spending time doing homework, or just wanting to spend time with my son WITHOUT my boyfriend. Not to mention, I've only seen any of my friends about four times since we started dating. I went to stay with a couple friends out of town the other night, but couldn't relax and enjoy myself because he was constantly calling and texting, wanting to know exactly what we were doing, and what guys were around, etc. He has pretty much dropped all of his friends and interests that he had before me, and seems to want me to do the same. Whenever we talk about it, he apologizes and says he understands that I have a lot going on and need my space, and that he will work on it. But then nothing changes.Lately he has been showing up at my house unexpectedly, just "stopping by" to bring me something, or say hi, or whatever. I should appreciate things like this, but for some reason it drives me crazy. When I am wearing no makeup, my house is a wreck, and I'm trying to deal with a crazy kid running around, all I want is to be left alone. He says he doesn't care about those things, but I do.. not because I care "what he thinks" .. I just need time to do my own thing. In addition to all this, forget having any ALONE time without my son, boyfriend, or any other obligations. Even after the times he does "let me" have to myself for homework, cleaning, and other errands.. there is absolutely no time left over for me to just relax, read a book or watch a movie by myself. The way he sees it, if I'm not spending time doing something else that's absolutely necessary, then why am I not with him?Last but not least, he never wants to go out when we are together. Yes, he pretty much wants to spend as much time with me as possible, no matter WHAT we are doing.. and if I do happen to want to go somewhere, then he will ask to come with. But he prefers to just to be alone with me all the time. I like to lounge around sometimes too, but I also want to go out and be around other people. Every time I suggest both of us going out with friends, or doing some other activity that involves other people, he seems annoyed. If it's not JUST the two of us going to dinner, a movie, the gym, or hanging out at my house.. he's not interested.I'm sure it seems like the obvious answer here is to end the relationship, but there are a lot of good things too, or else I would have done that already. When we are together, we usually have a pretty good time. From the things he TALKS about, we have a lot of compatible values, goals, and general interests. He makes me laugh, and other than being needy and clingy, treats me very well. I must say it is nice to have someone that I feel I can actually trust, which is very different from before. But at the same time, I don't want to lose myself in another relationship. How can I get him to back off a little and retain our own identities, while making him understand that I still care about him?
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female
reader, NEWGIRL5 +, writes (24 September 2012):
Wow. He sounds like my ex. It got to the point where I lost my identity as I made the BIG mistake of moving in with him when he persisted. He also did the stalking in the beginning: showing up at random times at my place, at my college and giving me guilt trips whenever we couldnt meet bc i had to study. These men only think of themselves first and are very immature like a child. In the end you will lose who you are as his plan is to get you to be more like him and give up your hobbies for him. Tgen one day he will drop the bomb on you and blame you for everything. Like why are you not the sane girl i once knew who was confident and independent? Then he wont need you anymore once hes used you up and he himself has drained your energy so HE can feel confident and secure again. The guy doesnt love you. He is acting out of self desperation/validation his own needs. Pfft. Jerk.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): The previous poster hits the nail on the head. Breaking up with him seems a tad extreme. Your goal must be to get him to back off. Set limits and make it clear to him what those limits are and exactly why you are setting them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): you can get him to back off a little by sitting down and talking with him just like you have us. it sounds like he is completely in love with you but, does not know how suffocating that can seem expecially to a single mom going to school (in the same boat)...
tell him how important he is but having time to be your own person is just as important to a healthy relationhsip. I think that is the main thing that is driving you nuts... not having down time.
so some things to help set the barriers are this.
sit him down and tell him exactly what your plans are for your self... such as..
at night call him and say i am heading to bed or what ever.. tell him goodnight.. TURN THE PHONE OFF
do not turn it on in the morning until YOU are ready.
him driving by and dropping things off just to do it.. not acceptable. your home is your safe place. your place to unwind and just be you.
set up time for you and your son- when he ask to come with you must say "NO" i want to spend time with him alone.
if you sit down and explain why things need to be this way your relationship will grow. but you have to communicate with him... tell him why, when and how.
we all have barriers in our lives .. for example
i call my bf at night and tell him goodnight and shut the phone off. and vice versa
i tell him when i am going to spend time with my kids and vise versa... (this means no interruptions)
I tell him when i am going to go hang with the chics, I will call you after to let you know im safe, and vice versa.
i never do drive bys.(aka just show up).. its creepy! and vice versa .... i always call first and see if its ok. and vice versa
i tell him i need down time im getting a bath and im lighting candles (go away).. he don't do that, that would be weird.
my point of telling you this is what you need to tell him and DO. set up your barriers and all the other small stuff will fall into place.
hope some of this helps
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