A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please can i get some advice!What I'm about to write may seem like I'm being ungrateful but I'm not.My fiancé and I have been together 6 years and were currently looking to buy our 1st house together.We both have decent enough jobs and have saved a deposit so financially we are able to be homeowners.We found our "dream house" but it was a bit over budget so we decided to go for another property instead so at least we can get on the property ladder and then look to upgrade in a few years time. That was the plan anyway!I went over to dinner at my future in laws last week and they surprised us by telling us that they had bought us our "dream house"! Now as grateful as I am I feel annoyed at this gesture! I have always been bought up to be independent and to only have things I can afford. I just feel this has been handed to me on a plate and that the house won't really be mine.His parents are very wealthy- they literally bought the house outright- no mortgage for £235,000! We of course will pay the bills and council tax (no mortgage) and pay to decorate and furnish it ourselves.I was in shock! I told them we couldn't accept it but they insisted and told us it was too late as they had already completed on the sale.I'm so angry at my fiancé as he knew what they were doing but didn't discuss it with me!I told him I don't feel comfortable with their generosity and he had a go at me saying that any "normal" person would be grateful.My parents are also having a go at me telling me to refuse it as they have always been a bit jealous at their wealth (my parents don't have much money) and they can't stand the fact they could never compete with them.I've confided in a few friends and a few think that they shouldn't have done this behind my back and a few think I should just accept it and enjoy it as it was really kind of them.I'm not disputing that they have been very kind but I feel pushed out of a major decision and I don't consider it "my house." Am I overreacting to this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2015): On one hand it's a great gift to receive but on the other hand what are the strings attached.
I would accept it be nice and be happy. You're fiancé is happy so just go with it. Save the money you were going to spend on mortgage. Put it away for the next house. Just make sure your name is on the deed.
Don't let this be a huge issue in your marriage. It's a house. A huge financial weight has been lifted and you're getting your dream home. Be grateful and Thankful.
As far as your parents opinion. I could see why they're upset. But honestly they should be happy for you.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 December 2015):
 I have advice from a completely different perspective.
Before I start, I want to make sure that they're GIFTING you the house outright, meaning it's in yours and your future husband's joint name. I'm going to proceed with my advice as if it *IS* that way.
If you're looking at this house as the "rite of passage" that YOU wanted to take with your husband, and you're feeling like his parents are slipping a claw into your life by buying it for you rather than having the "moment" where the two of you stake your claim, my suggestion is that while I get how you feel, you'd do much better to erase that line of thought from your entire value system.
Here's why:
Houses aren't prizes. They're the liability that 90% of people have to spend 30+ years paying off, where the final buying price is nearly double the price of the house, not to mention if you ever have to move. If you can start life with a paid-off house, you are so far ahead of everyone, and if you are upset about not being independent and not doing this "yourself", then let me redirect you to a truth I learned in my teens that transformed my life so completely profoundly that I never look at money the same way again.
If you want to build something with your hands and make it independently, build a business or invest in growing assets. Get your money to work FOR you rather than sink it into a house where your bank is making your money work for THEM. What I mean is, you now have the opportunity to BE IN THE BANK'S SHOES! Investment properties, as suggested by someone else, is a great idea. So are commodities, which have personally been very good to me in varying percentages over the years.
And if you *really* feel yourself getting angry at your soon-to-be-in-laws, think about this one:
Most wealthy families don't "gift houses". Many wealthy in-laws pressure their kids to sign a pre-nup in order to get their claws into what you and your husband build together, which really WOULD be the travesty. I would be ecstatic if I were gifted a house! About 9 years ago, I paid off my house to where I no longer have a mortgage, and let me tell you - it's one of the best feelings in the world!
Paying a mortgage is NOT the rite of passage you should ever want. Watching your percentages come in on money you've invested, only to re-invest, start a business, and watching your money multiply *IS* the rite of passage that is so sublime, I'm happy to say on this relationship website...that it's BETTER THAN SEX! If you don't have a mortgage to tether you, you are *so* free to REALLY be independent. Keep your job or work for yourself! What's even more sublime is to hire employees to work for YOU, meaning that you're not only self-sufficient, but you are giving back to the world by giving people jobs.
You can think so much bigger than the house. Don't get bogged by the gift house. ACCEPT IT! I worked and scraped to pay mine off, and while it was awesome to see the lien release in the mail after my last payment, I could think of a lot of different things I could have done with my money rather than house payments! But I've always been entrepreneurial.
Your parents' insecurities are not your responsibility. You do not sabotage your future because of their need to "compete". If they feel that way, I can see why you're feeling the way you are. Money isn't the the only giver of status. Your parents give love and they had you...there's no need to compete! If my son married someone wealthier than I am, I'd applaud! I don't care if his wife is from a richer family who wants to give them a head start! All I would ever care about is whether his wife is kind and good to him.
Class envy or class warfare is a limiting thing. Don't fall prey to it. You *know* you can do it on your own. Think about your future kids, if you wanted some. Wouldn't you want to give THEM a head start on say, college education?? How is a gift house any different from paying for a good college for your kid?? It's a head-start! His parents want the best for you both! If they didn't like you, they'd whip out the prenup faster than you can say "inheritence".
And as someone else pointed out - the laws of the land allow for specific gifts in specific settings. A gift like this is better for you AND them than an inheritance that will get gouged in taxes.
You *are* independent. Carve out your place in this world and get your money to work FOR you, instead of hamstringing a large portion into a mortgage all because of pride and your parents' ego.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): If it is truly your house, Sell it, and start afresh,try and make profit,find another dream house and it will feel like yours. Have contracts drawn up and now your rights and then say thank you.
Use your extra income to invest in another property to rent out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 December 2015):
 I get it! You wanted to do this yourself, and they took the joy of owning your home home away from you. Or so it seems. And how can you be proud of this, when it's their achievement and not yours? It's an embarrassment, who wants to have their friends know they were given a house? How would that make anyone feel adult, it makes you feel like a child being taken care of by your parents as if you couldn't handle it yourself.
I totally get that.
So here's my advice: rage a little, scream and yell and write down why you hate this and what worries you. Then take a deep breath and remind yourself that the next house you buy, you can buy yourself. And when you sell this house, you can give back the money to your in-laws, or put the money in a college found/bank account for your (future) children.
No harm done. You're still an independent person, you didn't need their help, but they wanted to do something nice, which was within their means.
You could of course say no, refuse to live there. The house is bought already, but that's your in-law's problem. Not yours. But your husband wants to live there. And he does get a say in it. And I can't see any good reason why not to swallow this one and live happily ever after. Life is full of surprises and you will have to adjust, even though it goes against what you'd originally do. Doesn't mean you lose yourself, or that you must refuse all changes. You will be a happier person if you just learn to roll with the punches sometimes, especially when it's something that you will actually benefit from.
So, from one extremely independent person to another, who hasn't been given a single thing for free in life and paid her own way at all times: be humble now and accept the gift. You're allowed to get some freebies in life.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 December 2015):
 There are good financial reasons for the gift. It keeps the money in the family and, as a gift, his parents won't have to pay tax on it. So rather than inherit the money when they die and be taxed on it you get the house of your dreams now and they know the money is with the family rather than in the goverment's pocket.
Personally I think you should swallow your pride and say thank you. It's a marvelous gift and one that most people will never experience.
Anyone would think they had done you a wrong. They have been kind and generous, perhaps a little inconsiderate of your feelings but it was done out of kindness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2015):
 I can see why it upset you at first, as this in not your and your fiance's hose, it's your in-laws.
And if there should be a "break up" well, then it will be his.
But on the other hand all the money you two have saved up CAN be used to buy a minor property and use as a rental income, and that can roll over into more properties over time. Or you two can look into other investments.
As for yours parents, I'd over look their advice if they speak from a voice of envy.
Personally, I'd be grateful for a "free" house. Specially if it was one that was a BIT out of reach financially for now. Not knowing your in-laws I have no idea if there are strings attached here or if this was just done out of love for their son and future daughter-in-law. And considering the economic state of today, it's a DARN fine gift.
But I can understand why you don't feel like it is yours.
And I wold explain it to your fiance that as much as you appreciate the "gift" you feel like you were made to have no say in this MAJOR decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): Take the house.I am a parent and i would do that for them of i could.Think of all the money you saved...now you can decorate it the way you want. The parents want to see you enjoy your inhratance before they die..let them.You are overreacting..big time.In the U.S.A. they have a death tax..yes you are taxed just for having the gall to die.Maybe they would rather have the money go to their child rather than the taxman.Marry the man of your dreams and be happy in your new house.At least your in laws like you.....be glad for that.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 December 2015):
 Oh boy! Hate to be in your shoes. I think you have grounds for feeling the way you do and I don't think it is fair to be labelled ungrateful. My fear would be if generosity turns into having to tow the indebted line. I can see it from their point of view of good intentions however I don't think it was the parents that you should be annoyed with rather your fiancee. It should have been a joint discussion and decision made by both of you. So what to do... I would be gracious to accept the gift on the grounds that your fiancee, should the time ever come, hands over the keys if purchasing the house becomes and interference to your relationship or tool for manipulation. As for your fiancee i think it is fair to explain your position on the matter as far as decision making in the relationship and that your opinion should be valued, respected and taken in to consideration. Basic foundation stuff for a successful marriage really. A gift, no matter how bit or expensive, is only a gift when it can be enjoyed as the receiver intends.
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A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (19 December 2015):
 Yes you are overreacting. Isn't this a family you want to be a part of soon. Seems to me you have trust issues. They bought it for you and your fiance. Pls stop discussing it around with people and enjoy your living.
Not many peoplec have such wonderful inlaws. Many people would kill to have such on a platter of gold. I would. Be grateful.
If you think you'd have any issue concerning claims to the property in the future. You could save up your own money and buy another house. Afterall people own more than one property. Whats the big deal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): well the point is that it is not your house unless your name is actually on the deeds and you hold the title deeds.Unless you do then it is actually their house and you would just be living there rent free which is not the same as you getting a step on the property ladder.It effectively means that there will be no house to sell in ten years time and therefore no profit to allow you to move around the world in the way you would like to.If this is the case you could accept it and live rent freee for a year but if that will put your plans on hold you really dont have to do it just to please them.Realistically though you will save money if you live rent free and you could put it away monthly into a locked saving account so that you dont carry on living it up in an unrealistic fashion.I would say that you have quite a hold over them without you realising because you are the potential mother of their future grandchildren.Similarly they are the potential grandparents of your future little ones.If it is a gorgeous house that would bring you daily happiness for a while you could afford to humour them if they hand the title deeds to you and your husband in your own names.But if you feel it is a future obligation of unknown quantity you could get a bit of legal advice about where you would stand if you moved in and how to let them know officially that thier kind offer has not been accepted and you are unwilling to step further down an unknown pathway.
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