A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear helpers,I hope you can send me your thoughts because I'm running out of ideas here.I have a son in his twenties, since he was a baby he's always been very bad tempered, he always complains about everything: the food, the decisions we take and we've caught him stealing (from his family and shoplifting)Despite the fact that he's often rude and disrespectful to me and his father, sometimes he seems considerate and warm, which makes me think there's hope from him.I've always have the hope that he'll mature with age but what I'm seeing is that he's getting into even riskier behavior: hosts binge parties at our house when we are away, drives under the influence of alcohol, bullies and presures his younger mates (16-18) into to do things like drinking and bulling other people and I don't know what else.We've tried many things, we've always talked to him about what's right and what's not, we even spanked him when he was a chld, but nothing seems to work.We've thought about stopping giving him money (he still lives at home), but since he got a part time job, I doubt it'll work.I want to help him, because he is not bad and has a great potential, but I think that by living the way he is, he might end up hurting himself or others.Any ideas of what might work here?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): SIMPLE
KICK HIM OUT INTO THE REAL WORLD...WHERE MUMMY AND DADDY ARE NOT STILL CLEANING HIS MESS UP.
THE BIRD SHOULD ALWAYS FLY THE NEST OR IT LOOSES THE ABILITY TO FLY..............
GIVE HIM A MONTHS NOTICE TO GET SORTED OUT WITH ACCOMODATION AND A JOB. THEN SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY...THEN ONE DAY HE MIGHT JUST FLY.
Via con dios!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): The way you have just descibed your son, is the way my parents would write into a site like this and describe my sister. My heart goes out to you. My parents and I have been going through exactly what you are for the past few years.
Based on what you've said, I think it's safe to assume that your son is battling with some kind of mental illness - most likely depression. He's acting out, because he's trying to deal with the thoughts and feelings he's having. There may have been something that has happened to him in the past, that he has not properly dealt with.. he may have a problem with BEING on the receiving end of bullying at school, or once was.. there are a million possibilities for why he is behaving the way he is.
The most important thing is not to blame yourself, question your parenting. This post really tugged at my heartstrings, because you sounded just like my mum did, when my sister had hit rock bottom last year. It was really sad to see her turn it all in on herself and ask what she'd done wrong. My sister and I grew up in a close-knit, loving, supportive family. I had the best parents I could ever have wished for. We had the exact same loving upbringing. What happened to my sister was due to insecurities she had after being bullied.. which led to poor decisions made in her teens.. which went on to affect the way she lived her life.. the relationships she kept because of her low self esteem etc. Sometimes these things happen and it is quite often nothing to do with the family.
The best thing you can do, is talk openly with your son about how you feel. Try to convince him to see someone outside the family to talk about what's on his mind. That's really all you can do for him - because he has to WANT to help himself, you can't do it for him.
All you can really do is make it clear that you love him, and that you'll always be there for him, but I don't think that means that you have to let him completely take over your life and destroy your home! There has to be some ground rules in place. Maybe you could give him an ultimatum - work towards making changes over the next 2 months, or you will have to find somewhere else to live.. and be firm with this. I say 2 months, because if he DOES decide he really wants to improve his life, he will need some support during this time.
Now that my sister has left home, my parents have become so much more relaxed. As much as they love their daughter, they have put SO much commitment into ensuring she's on her feet and she's stable enough to survive out there. She's on the road to recovery now.. she knows she has a loving family behind her.. but it has really helped for my parents to finally have that space.
Remember to take care of yourselves as well. Have some time out as a couple :)
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Absolutley kick him out! You've got to cut the aprin strings. Let him fall on his face and pick himself up. You have to let him go and turn it over to God (or whatever you believe in... Faries, Zues, whatever) and let Him take care of it. I hope u have peace of mind soon.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Seek assistance from a counselor. It sounds as if his abnormal behaivor stemps from something that needs psychological treatment. Chances are his childhood problems are still present, only taking on different directions. I'd say to get him checked for a proper diagnosis.
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