A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I were talking about our sex life just a moment ago.He mentioned how sore he is from all the sex (which has been almost everyday...and I know he masturbates as well, but I think he has done that more in the last week than we have had sex). He has been having a difficult time staying hard while we have sex and hasn't ejaculated in me for a couple weeks (frustrating for me) he has had to use his hand, which ends with me having him finish in my mouth (so, yeah, our variety isn't lagging). I asked him about the inability to stay firm, and I know it's concerned him, too. He looks at naked pics of women just about every day (not really a video watcher, except if we watch together). So, in our conversation he basically told me he is bored with our sex life. It's routine. Yeah, it may be routine, but I enjoy it every time because its with the man I love. He's been suggesting threesomes for a bit now, and I asked him in light of this new information if that's why...because he is bored... And he said yes. I wasn't trying to take what he said immediately to heart, and just listen because I don't believe it's right to discredit how he feels if its real to him. It just sucks and hurts my pride that I don't satisfy him and it scares me that we have the rest of our lives together and he's already bored? We continued to talk about the threesome thing ( and admittedly while I think the idea of being with another woman turns me on and he knows this) i just can't bring myself to imagine him enjoying someone else's body or another girl satisfying him and that he could find it better than just us...and cheat (see where my thoughts are going?). I'm a jealous person. I asked about mmf and he said no. I asked why and he said it'd be a competition. So I was like, even though the idea of another woman seems pleasing, how do you think that makes me feel? It doesn't do anything for me at the thought of another woman riding you or you enjoying someone else.He didn't get upset or anything. Just quiet. And I wasn't accusatory in tone. So my question is...are we doomed? I love my husband and am willing to do anything in bed just us two, and I know I don't have to do what I'm uncomfortable with. He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together. We haven't had the most perfect relationship. We have a 3.5 year old and I began to let myself go after having her (not in weight but just lack of effort in appearance) which I've changed that and can't tell you how often I get hit on...so I'm certainly attractive. Our sex life almost dried up (my fault because I was too tired...I even call bullshit on myself looking back on it) so I don't know concretely if that had/has anything to do with it. I can definitely say we have had sex every day when we are able to for a year straight (he is military so obviously there are times we geographically can't). He has never cheated on me (unless someone wants to go so far as saying the massive consumption of porn is cheating. I don't). He has seen me be clingy and insecure in our marriage, emotional meltdowns from me because there was a point I thought he was considering leaving me or at least wasn't in love with me anymore (we talked about that). But I'm wondering if from any of that if he looks at me differently and I just don't do it for him anymore? What we can do to fix it together. Thoughts?
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cheated on me, ejaculate, insecure, jealous, military, nude pictures, porn, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 December 2012):
 There is no easy way to bring it up, you just have to sit down and do it. You should tell him that you've noticed your sex life has gone down the drain as his porn use has increased and that you think he has problem and needs to seek help. He'll probably get angry about it and probably try to pin it on you not being adventurous enough, etc... etc... you need to try to block it out and remind yourself this is just how addicts respond when confronted. It's not going to be pretty. You should get him some literature on it, like direct him to the yourbrainonporn site and the fightthenewdrug site so that he can read through them.
If he doesn't seek help/show improvement within a reasonable timeframe, it's probably time to walk.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): CMMP, I was reading through some other questions you helped answer for people and saw that someone was worried about their significant other possibly being sneaky but wasn't sure and concerned that thoughts might just be running wild. I guess that's kind of how I feel about my husband right now is that he is being sneaky about something. I don't think he would actually cheat. I get the feeling that whatever it is he is doing, even if maybe he is receiving photos, that its only for his gratification to get off. Could I be right? Obviously that is still a problem no matter how I put it. Thoughts? Just not sure what I can do to be tactful in getting him to talk to me. Thanks in advance and for the previous advice!
Original poster
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): So, I was so bothered by what happened, him viewing porn all day while I was at work and seeming to not like sex with me before I left for work that yesterday when we spent all day together I was mopey and quiet. He tried being sweet and silly with me and I reluctantly acknowledged to not really give myself away. I wasn't trying to play games, mind you, but my mind starting racing about his inability to get it up with me yet so easy when he looks at porn. I should have talked about it then with him when he asked what was wrong, but I said I was fine. I continued to act that way the rest of the afternoon until he changed his attitude and ignored me. He then went into his office and shut the door. I think he was reading about penis enlargement ( he has a pump) then went into the bathroom for a good 45 min. Then something sounded like his text message was going off ( I know why he went to the bathroom, I found the pump later) but nothing appeared on our bill usage (it occurred to me to just check when we got an alert this morning about our bill posting). Now, my mind is racing about if someone is sending him pictures? Could this be going that far? I'm not blaming myself but had I opened up about what was bothering me, I'm sure that his round in the bathroom wouldn't have happened, leaving me to suspicion and wonder. How do I talk to him and found out answers? I just want honesty. How do I get him to admit that there may potentially be a problem?
Original poster
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 December 2012):
I've been with my wife for 6 years and although the sex isn't as exciting as it was at the beginning, it's certainly enjoyable and something I'm always looking forward to, so I think it's REALLY important for you to remember that this is probably not your fault. Just like a woman who is abused by her man is not at fault for "making him angry". Your boyfriend is having issues that are more personal than relationship related.
To be honest with you, if you're open minded about sex, you may approach him about going on craigslist (or finding someone however you choose) and trying to have some same room sex. You don't swap, but you're making love next to another couple who's doing the same. That's a compromise and any successful relationship has to be full of them.
Ask him if he's upset about you not wanting a threesome. If he says yes, tell him that you'd feel the exact same way he'd feel if he saw you with another man. So how is that fair? And for the love of God, don't have the threesome, even if you think it's the only way to save your relationship. Some people are cut out for it, you are definitely not!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 December 2012):
He is bored because he's desensitized himself with porn, not because your sex life is actually boring. The porn is still the problem here, nothing else. The solution isn't for you to spice things up or have a threesome. Just like if an alcoholic was constantly feeling sick the solution wouldn't be pepto bismol and ibuprofen, it would be recovering from the alcoholism. He needs to get help on the porn, there's no other solution. If he can't recognize he needs help (after you've tried to have a mature and not accusatory or angry discussion about it), then the only solution is to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2012): I appreciate the replies so far. I've been making observations over the last couple of days and after we had our sex talk last night. He hasn't wanted me to give him a blow job. He pushes my offer to give him a hand job out of the way.
He said after 6 years he is bored. And this morning I initiated sex...and the look on his face...discomfort, annoyed, not pleased....I can't quite put my finger on it. I wanted us to finish together, and about after 10 minutes he looks at me and harshly asked "what's taking so long?" And I looked back and said I wanted us to finish together. Apparently not what he wanted?
What is going on?
This was before I had to leave for work or I would have stayed to have it out with him. I have 8 more hours before going home, obviously we need to talk about this right? My confidence is completely shot and I feel that after retracting thoughts about a threesome he's been bitter...maybe? He often times won't talk to me about things that bother him, it's like pulling teeth.
I just feel so hurt now that his actions and his words, to me, have expressed disinterest in me. I don't feel valued as his spouse anymore. He's bored with me. Ouch. I'm unable to speak with him right now, but it makes me question his love for me.
Before I left for work, no I love you (hardly any the last week) and he wouldn't kiss me back. What was he doing before I left? Looking up naked pictures of women on a site I won't name but has pages for just about every topic imaginable.
How do I handle this? We are getting ready to go on vacation next week together and I don't want this issue to ruin our time.
Original poster
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 December 2012):
I'm not anti porn per say and not a prude in any sense, but ED is apparently an epidemic among younger men who were raised on Internet porn. There's a lot to the reasons behind it but you need to have a serious talk with him about it. Don't feel bad about him being bored, it's hard to compete with the easy stimulation that the Internet offers. In other words, it's not your problem its his. A threesome is not a solution in any way, it's a symptom of a larger problem. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 December 2012):
 Hmmm, there is so much in your post to work on. No, your not doomed, but there is a lot to work on.First, more information needed.. How old is your guy?Second, do you orgasm through penetrative sex?You and your husband have a lot going in benefit of your marriage. Your a rare kind of woman, your understanding and realistic, it allows a lot of honesty and truthfulness... and your husband takes advantage of this, he tells you all and hides little.The pornography and solo masturbation is too much. It's giving him too much wild stimulation and he's getting bored of this and therefore bored of everything.Coupled with the sex everyday... it's far too much, it's making sex feel like scrambled eggs, rather than cavair, something special, something to be treasured, something to look forward to.You need to first take care of you. Your a sexy, intelligent woman. Your far too intelligent and alive to hide this in laziness and "can't be bothered".. First task is to make the best of you. I don't want you to be the "wife" anymore.. I want you to become the "girlfriend" that has to be adored.The porn has got to go, he's been abusing it, and it's making his head go funny.He's got to remember the hunger, the wanting, the waiting for the special girl (you) and behaving until she lets himSex no more than once or twice a week... you spending your energy on looking sexy, him learning to wait.After a month, time for some questionsWhy you wanna sell soul to porn?How can dick in hand be better than me?Are you a man or a little boy?How can we make it better? What do you need?Of course all questions and answers should be without judgement and be accepted and rejoiced for their honesty.Porn and boredom or distance can make bad habits.. You found out, your intelligent, time for you to stamp your little feet and bring the man to heel.He likes you better than porn, though he may seem a little lost right now.. Therefore, denial, temptation, teasing and going back to dating may be the challenge that he needs.*probably don't keep up tempting behaviour for more than 3 months, you want to get him interested, not totally discouraged* - a sexy alive vixen beats porn every time
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 December 2012):
Your boyfriend sounds like a porn addict. He masturbates more often than you have sex, can't sustain an erection, requires extreme stimulation, says horribly thoughtless things to you to get what he wants, and suggests/wants things from porn. This is textbook addict behavior. You can read more about this here (neither page is religious or politically affiliated):
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
This site as well:
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
This is not your fault just the same as any other addiction wouldn't be your fault. He needs to get help and go cold turkey on both porn and masturbating for awhile to recover. He should also look through that site. Having a threesome will not help AT ALL. I can almost guarantee it will be the nail in the coffin of your marriage. Him saying it would be a competition is him behaving like an addict doing what he thinks he needs to do to get what he wants.
If he can't get help for this, then there's nothing more you can do.
There are more articles on my profile about this if you want more material.
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