A
male
age
36-40,
*ostlad
writes:Hi guys,I've been seeing my girlfriend for over a year now, and she moved in with me last month (serious, I know!) - but our sex life has really gone from bad to worse recently, only making love once a month at the most. It just seems that she doesn't want to be intimate at all - we barely kiss and only cuddle when she wants to...Is this normal? I don't want to seem pushy and talk to her about it, but it hits the old self esteem pretty hard!
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male
reader, lostlad +, writes (26 July 2007):
lostlad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe whole “waiting till she’s in bed to make a move” really isn’t an issue, penta, as she’s in bed by half 10 and is always asleep by the time I get there.I see what you mean about her workload, as it may be that she’s overwhelmed by it, but I can honestly say that she doesn’t have TOO much housework to do. Because she has bad skin I do all the dishes and washing up, we split the cooking 50/50, I do most of the tidying up etc – so I think knocking me back to do the ironing was a nice way of saying “I don’t want you tonight!”I know she’s tired from the drive home after work, but she still makes time to see her friends once or twice a week (I really hope that doesn’t make me sound like an overbearing oaf), and I know that’s important, but I just want to say “what about me!”The idea of giving her a heads up in the morning that tonight I’m going to make a move that night might help, but I really don’t think I can do it – just not that kinda guy I’m afraid. It’s not like I’m counting the days or anything, but I think it’s been like 6 weeks now since anything happened, and just twice since we moved in together 3 months ago. I know there’s no such thing as “normal” – but this just doesn’t feel right. Argh.
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 BTW, waiting until she's in bed to make a move is the WRONG thing to do. By that point she's tired and planning for sleep. I don't think I said that very well before. The bed has to be a neutral place once sleep is involved, or she's going to stop wanting to go to bed at all (then she's tired too much which means even less sex).
You have to get her when she's awake so that it's one fewer excuse. (Again, speaking from experience...)
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (13 July 2007):
2 things:
1. She may be overwhelmed by the amount of work she thinks she needs to do. Women with a higher sex drive would have jumped at the chance to blow off the ironing to take advantage of the romantic atmosphere. Try finding out what kind of work she feels she has to do and help her with it, freeing up her time for "other pursuits."
2. Give her a heads up in the morning that tonight you're going to make a move. It will give her a chance to bring herself in the mood. I know it's not spontaneous, which may not be sexy, but it really helps when dealing with a low sex drive.
BTW, most times I'd choose the tea too, so I have more experience than I wish I had. I just know that sex is an important part of marriage, and that it makes him happy, which I really like to do (as long as I'm getting enough sleep and enough work done [grin]).
As with everything in marriage, it's a compromise. I think it's great that you're willing to work with her on this rather than going elsewhere for your needs. Keep trying.
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A
male
reader, lostlad +, writes (13 July 2007):
lostlad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Penta - I know what you mean about waiting till she's in bed to make a move on her, and I have tried other things, but to no avail really.
The main thing thing that came from our discussion, and smoething she's mentioned quite a lot, is that she has a low sex drive, and she just doesn't ever feel "sexy" or "in the mood". It wasn't as bad when we started seeing eachother, but over the last 6 months it's been quite noticeable. We often joke that if she had the choice of a cup of tea or Brad Pitt naked, she'd choose tea everytime ;)
Last night I tried something different when we got back from work - lit some candles in the bedroom, drew the curtains etc (i'm clearly not very good very at being romantic!). But I'm not a pushy person and, being aware of her low sex-drive and that she's always quite tired after work, I let her stumble across it as opposed to leading her into the bedroom. Nothing happened, as she had ironing to do and wanted to watch something on TV at 9.
But she does feel bad about it and says she hates feeling like this, suggesting that I should force her to eat Brazil nuts (or other aphrodisiacs) for breakfast ;) She also wants to look online for ideas on how to help overcome a low sex-drive - any tips, guys?
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (3 July 2007):
I agree that talking is really important. I'm glad you opened up to her. Keep the dialog going.
But let me ask you something: when you moved in with her, did you stop courting her? Do you wait until she's in bed to make a move on her (because now it's convenient)? Do you still treat her as a sexy person you'd like to be with? Or is she just now a roommate who's supposed to put out? (That was harsh, I know, but I'm trying to make a point.)
Women need to feel close to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel close. It's a real problem, but it has solutions.
My husband and I had a real problem when we moved in together before we got married, and I really didn't desire sex for quite a while. After we talked it out, I started to realize that I was going to bed because I was tired. And he just assumed we'd have sex because we were in bed. He needed to start earlier, so that I wasn't more interested in sleep than in sex, lol.
If you want sex, start earlier and make her feel loved. She'll be much more open to the idea.
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A
male
reader, lostlad +, writes (3 July 2007):
lostlad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I took the gamble and opened up to her. It didn't go exactly as I'd hoped but it's always better to get things out in the open!
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (31 May 2007):
 I would not say this is normal considering the short amount of time you have been living together, i would suggest opening up to your partner about this tell her you know sex is not everything but is a very big part and find out how she is feeling, you need to get to the bottom of this very soon or it could destroy your relationship it sounds as though you are an affectionate person so tell her you need to feel that. xx.
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