A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi,ive been seeing my bf for nearly 3 years. firstly, we are both very healthy and have no problems sexually with being able to perform or participate in sex so we don't need to see doctors.sorry but I needed to say that so that nobody suggests its a health issue because it isn't!our sex life gradually came to an end 18 months ago because my bf was about my teenage son hearing us and I had to come to terms with that. it's been difficult because I find my bf very attractive but we cuddle a lot and talk all the time when we don't see each other. He also stopped sleeping with me a year ago because he says he likes his own things around him and he doesn't have anything at my house, even my TV doesn't have any decent channels. Again I accepted this.2 months ago, my son moved out and I now live alone.He is still no nearer to staying with me or making our relationship into a sexual one again. He is like my best friend and we can talk about anything, he helps me sort out any problems I have by discussing them to find solutions but this is one problem that we cant solve. He says we need to spend quality time together again to start up our sex life again but neither of us have much money. He also says that he respects me too much to just have sex as he doesn't think sex and love are linked. having said all that, I'm beginning to question my feelings for him now and wonder if he is actually keeping me on a string. I don't feel my feelings are being considered.In our last discussion about it last week, he said why don't I make more of an effort for him? I replied I make a lot of effort and he agreed. but I think he actually meant my appearance rather than what I do or don't do for him.I'm 45 and have gradually gained about 10lbs since we met. It has knocked my confidence and I now hate clothes shopping because I never feel I look nice. I've never had to diet before and I have tried but I cant seem to lose this bit of weight. I'm not gross so I think it shouldn't matter too much and he has never complained about it but he does try to encourage me to eat healthy etc.I'm wondering about ending our relationship because of the lack of intimacy, all excuses I have accepted for the last 18 months have gone and I feel nothing has changed, he's avoiding sleeping with me now, preferring his own bed. (I cant stay at his place as he lives with relatives, another thing I had to accept) I will feel very lonely again if I end it and I might regret leaving someone who I connected with emotionally better than anyone I have ever connected with in my life and loved more than anyone before. but I don't like being kept on a string like this, i'm growing older and I want a sex life before I get too old! but I really don't find anyone else attractive because I love him!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 April 2013):
 Dear OP,
I like to respond line by line so I don’t miss anything. I also have not read what the other folks have written.
I will assume that your comment about not needing to determine your man’s urological health is accurate and that he does not have LOW-T or depression or anything else that may lead to a medical reason for his lack of desire. I will assume you have verified his ability to achieve and maintain an erection for these past 18 months.
Therefore we must from this conclude that he just does not want to have sex with you since you are adamant that he is able to. Personally for me I’d much prefer it to be depression or LOW-T or a prostate issue rather than him being a bit of a whack-a-loon about sex but to each his or her own.
So let’s continue….
Being nervous about a child not your own hearing you have sex is common. Sadly that excuse is gone now for him. In addition, most teens wear headphones or don’t hear the stuff going on as the tv, or video games are too loud. I think it was an excuse then and is now gone so he has to find NEW EXCUSES to not be sexual with you.
The fact that you “had to come to terms” with it tells me you’ll accept almost any line this guy hands you (does this include the NO THERE IS NO MEDICAL PROBLEM?)
It’s 3 years together, not having sex for 50% of this time and of an age when by now you should have either progressed to living together, being engaged or married IMO.
He stopped sleeping with you… I assume you mean spending the night at your home AND how convenient at his advanced age he still lives with relatives so you can’t go to his place and he won’t bring stuff to your place to make it more homey for him.
If you can talk about anything and problem solve anything then you are spending quality time together. His excuse that you need to spend quality time together but don’t have MONEY is a crock of shit. Sorry. Quality time is not about spending money. It’s not even about doing stuff. QUALITY TIME can be in the car driving to an event. It can be sitting at home over dinner. IT’s not about WHAT you are doing but rather WHO you are doing it with. I find his excuse that you have to “spend quality time together again” but don’t’ have the money to be a huge smoke screen.
Now the crock of “I respect you to much to make love to you?” PLEASE…. Sex can be without love and love can be without sex but to be honest in a mature adult relationship that’s romantic SEX and LOVE are linked. A second full crock of shit and a third excuse.
You have every right to question your feelings for him as well as his feelings for you. There is something seriously wrong here.
He asked why you don’t make more of an effort for him? What did he mean? Did you ask him or just assume it’s about 10 lousy pounds. I’ve gained 30 since I’ve been with my guy and he still wants me. at our age it’s not about 10 lousy pounds. Stop pretending that’s what it is.
You are lonely now. Him leaving means you won’t have to feed him or question yourself or wonder if it’s YOU. (It’s not it’s HIM).
You say you love him. Tell me what about him you love…
His romantic ways
His bedroom prowess
His mastery of life and living as a responsible adult?
I’d walk away. I’d sit him down this weekend and say “listen boyfriend in name only, if we don’t fix this sexual problem in the next 60 days you are going to be the EX boyfriend” “ your excuses are not valid. I want the truth”
The truth is one of several things
a.Either he’s not able to have sex and is lying about it
b.He’s a closet homosexual using you for cover
c.He’s immature (living with relatives not wanting to grow up and be responsible) and therefore unable to have an adult relationship
d.He has a low sex drive and doesn’t care about sex and is happy to stay in this non-sexual relationship with you till you kick him to the curb.
I do not see much hope here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): "no problems sexually with being able to perform or participate in sex so we don't need to see doctors.
sorry but I needed to say that so that nobody suggests its a health issue because it isn't!"
Did you diagnose that yourself or from google OP? The doctor is the first place he should go to make sure there isn't a hidden medical issue.
OP just because he seems healthy, can physically have sex, doesn't mean that his loss of libido isn't a medical issue.
I can lose my libido and still get raging erections, I just can't bring myself to feel sexy enough to go ahead with it, hell I wake up with one every morning.
OP unless you're a medical professional who has performed all the necessary tests, then don't ever discount this being a medical issue, there are a million different hidden diseases that can lead to a loss of sexual appetite and that's just physiological, the psychological ones are just as numerous. He may have low testosterone or any number of hormonal complaints. Impotence isn't even a sign of loss of libido OP, mast impotent men are horny dogs.
I'm just surprised you seem to discount what to me would be the first thing I'd do and really is something you should try before you give up on him. You say you love this guy so much but you're not willing to explore every option no matter how unlikely it may be? Okay then, OP. your choice.
Now if and when you've explored all options, definitely, certified by a doctor to be nothing medical at all, then maybe you should try couple's counselling. OP you had a sex life for 18 months, that shouldn't just completely disappear without some underlying reason. Exhaust all options, no matter how ridiculous you think it seems.
You said it yourself, this guy is all you've wanted except for this aspect. It'll only take another month or so to ensure that you will never have to look back and wonder whether there was anything else you could have tried.
Other than there being something wrong with him then I don't see how you should stay with him at all. No sex, no affection, then that's a friendship not a relationship and I commend you for lasting this long without it OP, that would be too unbearable a torture for me and I would have left ages ago.
Give the medical issue a go, sex therapy or something a go, if he refuses then fuck him, walk away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 April 2013):
 I'll bet that you are going to get a number of responses from Aunts and Uncles based upon their experiences ... their's being similar to your's.... This one is...
Sexual/intimacy compatibility is critical to an on-going relationship..... When it is not present... OR, if - during the relationship - it evolves such that it is not there.... then one of the partners must starve for affection/sexuality/intimacy whiles the other partner can endure the terms of that relationship with no ill-effects.
If you and he have discussed this matter... and if there's no evidence that he thinks that you and he have a problem.... then, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!!!! YOU must then decide if you'd prefer to starve, or if you'd prefer to get away from this incompatible partner and get on with your life... and seek a compatible partner, if that's what you'd like to do....
Been there; done that....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (3 April 2013):
As you stated you dont like being kept on a string.However i do feel he is your Best friend and i also think that your boyfriend thinks only as being a friend to you.With respect to you he shows no desire for you and after 18 months -IT is Time to move on. Remember that while you stay with this guy you have no chance of meeting other guys .TIME does not stand still. Best Luck Nora B.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 April 2013):
 My take on this as a guy in your age range. It has nothing to do with your weight or appearance. He is using your stereotypical insecurity to cover his hang up. I understand the teenaged son thing, That can put a damper on the works but with a bit of creativity, and a loud radio, you could overcome that. When it comes right down to it you are begging and he is making excuses.
Let's face it he is 40+ and living with relatives. He can't feel manly. Because he doesn't feel manly about his life he doesn't act manly towards you. He seems perfectly content to be your girlfriend.
The most you can do is treat him manly. Make sure he knows you find him attractive. Make sure he knows you find him manly.
There are plenty of people out there who think sex is only for the honeymoon phase. They deliberately ween their partners off sex. The relationship you describe, is their goal. If this is the case, I see no hope for your future. He will continue to make more rules that limit sexual intimacy.
At least you need to explain to him your needs. Your statement should be something like this. You say you love me, but when I tell you what I need to be happy you withhold it from me. It is very hard for me to believe that you love me when you don't try to make me happy. It is unrealistic of you to expect me to stay in a relationship that doesn't promote my happiness.
I guess that's two solutions / possible causes for your troubles. I hope one is a fit for you.
FA
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