A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now but the last couple of months he doesn't seem to want sex anymore when I ask him if anything is wrong if hes stressed etc he says he's fine he's just lazy and hasnt got a very high sex drive whereas I have am I right in thinking he is being quite selfish about this any answers greatly appreciated
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 December 2016):
 anonymous you think someone should force themselves to have sex to please someone else? Really? You obviously have never been forced to do anything sexual or you would not have that attitude.
Look OP it seems you both are not compatible, he has a very low sex drive for whatever reasons and you have a high one. Maybe you are not compatible sexually? Has he always had a low libido or has it just started? He could be suffering from low confidence, stress or depression. I hate to ask but could he be seeing someone else? If you are not happy then you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 December 2016):
 I have to agree, I don't think having a low libido is selfish or that the person with the lower libido should "force" themselves to have sex to please a partner... That is not only ridiculous but a SURE way to "kill" whatever libido is left.
If the lower libido is a newer thing, then WHAT has changed recently?
I would give him a little space and time to MISS the intimacy, maybe stop altogether to ask for it (just for a little while). Just give him a pat on the butt or neck when you walk past him (to show you are still attracted) but don't take it further than that. Set a time on how long you want to do this, I'd say go for a month and see but no longer. Either he will WANT you to WANT him and sex and he will pick up the reigns OR he will be quite happy with no sex. IF it's first, hopefully, it will help him see WHY you want/need it. If it's the latter.... then he is happy with not having sex and YOU have to decide if THAT is the guy you want to be with long(er) term.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 December 2016):
 Anon, *nobody* should force themselves to have sex when their bodies don't want to. That is *not* love. Many things can be compromised on and sex *can* be one of them, but not when the person does not feel able to. Do you want sex so bad you want your partner to be miserable and force themselves. That's not consent.
OP, you're incompatible. If he doesn't feel able to compromise, that's not selfish; it's honest. You need to be with someone who wants sex as much as you - nobody should feel forced to have sex more than their mind or body wants it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2016): I think if a partner has a lower libido, it is SELFISH for them not to want to force themselves.We do things in relationships to keep the other person happy, regardless of our feelings.It is called Compromise.If he continues to deprive you without trying to find ways to compromise, then either he has lost interest (lost the attraction or interest in the relationship), is getting sex elsewhere (in real life, on chat/sex lines or Snapchat or fantasy forums - there is so much out there nowadays which is very SAD) or has become complacent and there is no more excitement for him. He may have mental health issues. Depression. Stress. There could be reasons. However, it is a red flag when a partner stops wanting sex. It is your job to find out why.Have you tried to spice things up? Ever try to dress up very sexy and just take him when he walks into the house? Be the aggressive one?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 December 2016):
How is it selfish to not want sex? By that logic, it's also selfish of you to want it when he doesn't.Is he masturbating a lot instead of sex?Look, if he doesn't want as much sex as you, he shouldn't force himself.That said, you deserve to be with someone who has a similar sex drive to you. Unfortunately, you're incompatible. My boyfriend and I compromise, as his libido is almost none and mine is quite high, but it's more about the closeness, not sex itself. That means our compromise is him being intimate with me when he wants to and feels able to, but me being very understanding that it's not nearly as often as I crave it. It occasionally comes up as something challenging, but we love each other enough and are happy enough with each other that it's not unbearable.Not everyone can or should compromise - you both have to be happy, but you thinking he's selfish for not wanting sex as often shows that you're not very considerate or understanding. If someone has a lower libido than their partner, it doesn't make them selfish to not want to force themselves.I think you probably need to break up and find people who have similar libidos.
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