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female
,
anonymous
writes: I need some advice. I am 25 f and I have been dating this 20 year old boy for going on four years now. We have a child together and our relationship is extremely rotten. I dont know how to put it any other way. When we first met he was the nicest guy, acted like he was decent and actually cared for me. He told me he was 18 even though I kept asking for proof because well I was 22 at the time. His whole family even told me he was, come to find out he was really seventeen. It was too late I already fell for him. I knew though when I found out I should have left. Then things got worse he dumped me for his ex and didn't tell me for three days yet I still took him back. He went between me and her for about 4 months.Finally, we were together then I found out I was pregnant, he didn't like it. He never helps me with our child, even though he thinks he has by changing his diaper like 10 times since he has been born he is almost two now. He doesnt work or even help me clean the house. I have to do certain things for him to go anywhere with me even to our child's doctors appointments. I am agoraphobic and I hate leaving the house without him... He holds that over my head, I left him once and I felt tons better. I was going out and hanging with my friends. Granted, I lived with a friend. It just seems things have gotten worse for me since I took him back. He tells me my family and friends dont love me. That I'm retarded and crazy and no one believes me on his side how he is.. He plays it like everything is my fault. I admit I get abusive physically when he verbally and physically abuses me. I dont know what else to do. He just doesnt stop.... I dont want to be that way, not with my child in the next room. I grew up like that and I dont want my child going through it too. He also tells me I cant take care of our child because I'm too stupid, yet I am the one doing everything. I cook, clean, feed, clothe, pay for his diapers and put him to bed.... He tells me I am lucky he loves me because any man would be long gone by now or would have cheated on me.. I have been binge eating and wanting to sleep all the time lately and I dont know why.. All I can think of is I am depressed. Gosh I know I sound crazy.... I want out but I am so scared he will win custody of our child and he will harass me. I'm scared that I wont be able to be by myself.. Please if anyone can give me some advice I could sure use it. Please for my sake and my child's. He is so young he doesnt deserve this..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): I was in this situation before with a small child and I also was told I was stupid and couldn't do it on my own but, boy did I prove him wrong I left him and felt so much better my son was too young to know what was going on.(thank god)It wasn't easy but, you can do it if you think he will get custody of a child that he can't support cause he doesn't have a job theres no way just have confidence in your self that you know you are trying to do what's best for your child and all will work out I didn't think I would win custody and I did it's been 5 years since he's seen his son and with all the threats and the put downs he hasn't done a damn thing so don't worry even if he does you know your a good mom and you want the best for your child don't let him get the best of you don't let him have the satisfaction of getting you so angry you want to hurt him be as calm as you can don't listen to the your stupid shit yes him to death ignore him what ever it takes and believe me that will bother him more than it would if you freak out. If he decides to harrass you put a call in to the police have it documented cover your ass I know this is tough I went through this and it is so hard but pick your self up don't sleep so much make yourself get up take your son out occupie your time do things that will make you happy and your son I'm telling you the worst you can do is to show him this bothers you show him you will be fine without him no matter how bad you struggle one day it will get better just have faith in yourself Goood luck!! Stay strong!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): Sorry I accidentally hit enter so I will say again my advice to you is threefold
1st- Move in with a friend or family member- someone who is 100% squeaky clean - if there is a custody battle the court will need to see that if your son stays with you be is in a safe and stable environment. If necessary get a restraining order and have someone else meet your ex with your son in order to facilitate contact
2nd- Get a solicitor/lawyer to advise you on the legal rights of both parties wherever you live forewarned is forearmed, if he can get custody it is best to know this right away.
3rd- Document any instances of abuse against you or your son- you can never as of now verbally or physically abuse this man ever again. If you feel you might just think about that man walking out of court with your child. Get it together act as if there is a custody case tomorrow in your own mind when you are dealing with him and I stress this one last time - document any verbal physical emotional abuse write down the date and time and exactly what was said or done. Also keep a record of how much you spend on your son and then how much your partner pays toward it.
Good Luck I only wish I could advise you better you know that you must leave this man and then it is a legal matter get control dont let him have your son.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): By the sounds of things you are depressed but I think anyone living with this man would be he is wearing you down and there are many ways to do that he is pushing all the right buttons.
You say there is verbal and physical abuse you need to leave this situation now! for your little boys sake he is 2 now and he is like a little sponge soaking up everyhing around him. Go and stay with a friend or family member and if your boyfriend harrasses you then get a restraining order whereby he cannot come near your home and then you can arrange for him and your son to have contact without you if necessary, but with someone you can trust at an agreed time and location, then your ex cant use his contact visits with your son to harass you either.
I live in the UK and therefore can only advise you on the custody situation as it stands here at present. If you are not married your partner cannot have custody of the child they do however have a right to contact which would be agreed between the two parties in the best interest of the child, but with rights come responsibilities the main one being that your ex would have to pay child support/maintenance and fully comply with any court order laid down in terms of contact ie turning up at the specified time on specified dates etc.
In terms of your depression binge eating and sleeping etc you need to get this under control as I have previously stated I can advise you on legal matters pertaining to N.Ireland specifically but not to the US or wherever you are from. In N.I however such things as your inability to cope with life and your own depression and agrophobia would be sited by your ex partner as reasons why you should not have custody of your son.
My advice is threefold
1st - Move in with a friend or family member, someone who
is 100% squeaky clean - if there is a custody battle
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