A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know other people have had similar issues so I'm hoping maybe someone can help and suggest ways to deal with it. My fiancee and I have been together almost a year, she means everything to me and I truly do love her. Anyway, she is the first person I have ever had any sexual contact with, she's had 3 partners and that's where most of our problems seem to stem from. Her first she was in an actual relationship with for about 2 months, she said they only had regular sex 3 times or so and I believe her because she has been in a way too honest, giving far more detail than I ever wanted to know. The first time though was in a parking garage for a place I took her to for our first date, she had never done anything before but instigated giving oral in the parking garage there. I found it out a few months later and it hurts like hell, honestly that's all I think about when I think of our first date or happen to have to drive by that place. It hurts even more that she instigated it when she hadn't done anything like that before, according to her she didn't enjoy it once it was all over and claims he didn't even get off. Regardless it is still a hard thing to think about. The other 2 were people she met online and basically had a one night stand with which she has said she regrets. She has had depression issues in the past and said she only did it because she thought she had to when they asked in order for them to stay with her. Needless to say, neither called her back once. That is the worst, knowing that she did that when she knew them barely an hour or two if that, and knowing how it was done because of too much detail. I understand in a way how she felt but I don't understand why she did that and it feels horrible. The one good thing is that she used protection even during oral and I'm the only one she has been with without protection. But still it leaves a sick feeling in the stomach for me, I'm probably a bit over protective because she is the only one I've been sexually active with. And I just want to be able to forget it and leave it in the past. I can't keep constantly drinking to numb it when I know it will be back later. Other than that our relationship is great and I couldn't ask for a better woman to be with. She is a completely different person since we have been together, I've seen that change even since our first month together. How much happier she seems and how much more optimistic she is about life. So I know we should be together, it is just a very hard thing for me personally to get over. So, what did any of you do to get over it if you dealt with a similar situation?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Thank you for the responses, for those just insulting I wish it was as easy as you seem to think. Different people react differently to the same types of situations. Anyway, yes she had very low self esteem when and before I met her. Her family treats her like trash as did her friends who she finally stood up to once she gained some confidence and is no longer in contact with. So I have seen it for myself and can sympathize to a certain extent as to why she made those mistakes as in her own words she wanted to feel "wanted" and by doing that she thought things would get better. I really do understand as much as I can, I battled self-esteem and anxiety issues constantly before meeting her, much worse than now. I just went about it in a different but equally destructive way. As said before, I can tell she is happier in life now than when I first met her where she seemed pretty much apathetic about everything. I am confident we will come out fine, she knows it bothers me but has been for the most part supportive of it. I love her in a way I've never loved anything in my life, so I know she is right for me and I want to do whatever it takes to make it work for both of us. We are trying to confront the issue and talk about it to work it out. Over time I think it will go away but it's a process that takes time and effort which some of you seem to be aware of. I won't lose an otherwise amazing relationship over this. Thanks again for the input.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): She was your first. You were her fourth, including casual encounters. That's the core problem.
Different sexual histories = bad for compatibility.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 This comes up a lot. I've been in your situation, and have posted here a lot about it. If you check my post history you'll find many discussions about it. Here are some of the better ones:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
Right now, reading your post, you're very focussed on the details. You'll have to learn to let these go. It's not easy. The first thing is to not ask her any more questions about it: as you have learned already, each detail is painful. The more you know, the more it will hurt. So stop asking (if you still are), and focus on letting go of it. The links above should give you some tips on how to do that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): People are always going to have had sexual partners if this is going to bother you then be single and celibate for ever. People your with aren't going to be virgins every time. get over it.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Well who gives a turd If she was with another in the past you twat! She is with you now right? So why worry about something that happened in the past? Stop living in her past and just enjoy being with her now in your present and both your futures! Otherwise your going to loose her and have no future.
This really shows that, I'm sorry to say, but seriuos pussy boy syndrome. She will want a man not a boy who worries about her sexual past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Ok, yeah you really need to get over this. The only thing that matters is how she is IN the relationship with you. You cannot get stuck in her past, that's really irrational to do. I mean its not like she was the "town sl**" or something. And even if she had been it doesn't matter now as long as she stays faithful to you. That's all it comes down to.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Realizing that she had a life before the two of you got together. Focus on what the two of you have, not her past. Think of it this way. She was depressed, and used "attention" from sexual acts to cover or mask her feelings. You're depressed because of her past, therefore you use drinking to cover or mask your feelings. Two different methods, but both for the same accomplishment of hiding. In a way, you're doing now what she was doing before you two got together.
The day you two got together is the beginning of your experience together. Don't let the past take away from that. Every moment you ponder on her past is a moment you can't enjoy what you two have together. That is truly what's important. Don't judge her for who she was, but for who she is now. Be proud and embrace her for who she is and for what her being there with you has added to your life.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (20 June 2010):
 I have to say that you really need to get over this. And I mean that with no disrespect to you at all.
I think the main issue is that she's your first. And it's a wonderful thing that you trust & love her enough to have shared yourself with her in that way. BUT...
You have to seriously realize that everyone has a past, some worse than others, some better than others. But we all have one, and at least she's been honest about it with you. I think that what really should matter, is the fact that she is NOW WITH YOU. It doesn't matter what the past was, it's over. It can't change, it won't change. If she's gone forward...so should you. Your focus should be on the present and future that you have with her. Be confident in what you do FOR her & in who you ARE to her.
If you haven't talked to her about this, then I think that you should, maybe even seek counseling. Don't let this issue become bigger than what it should be, you don't want to bring problems into the good thing you have with your girlfriend :)
Hope I helped, & I wish you well!
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