A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of over 30 years has been having sexy texting with a woman he knows through work (not at the same premises). I found some on his phone a while ago and he said it was just a game (I had been very unloving for a couple of years due to the menopause). Realising what I could have lost I really fell in love all over again and things are great now. However, I recently found some more texts on his phone very sexual between them but one from her saying she felt guilty as they had not yet had sex (that was such a relief). He told her the next day and he says they agreed to stop all that sort of contact and assures me that he was stupid although they still sometimes need to see and speak to each other due to work. He said he wanted it to stop anyway as it was getting out of hand and it would have finished sooner or later as they both knew it wasn't leading anywhere. He has never stopped loving me, that I'm sure of but I'm consumed with jealousy and keep quizzing him. He says this will drive him away and goes into a strop every time I bring it up. I feel I'm entitled to answers but am frightened to ask. Friends have advised me to confront her but I know I would lose everything if I did as he would go ballistic. Her husband is oblivious to all this as far as I know and my husband has said she loves her husband and there's no point ruining their marriage. I think about her all the time and imagine how intimate they were. I'm trying to believe it's over but am going mad. Our relationship is fantastic now in all respects but I've got to live with this if I don't want to rock the boat. Any advice or comments gratefully received.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): Hi. I'm really glad to hear that your marriage is feeling really strong and positive for you right now - that's a huge thing given the circumstances you describe (your menopause and the text cheating). I have just one thing I wanted to write - not to stress you unduely, but just to give you something to think about. From what I know of affairs (I'm no expert - but have been the injured party myself)they do not start in an isolated way. Most of the time there is a 'progression'...so, the 'cheater's' usual morals and ethics are slowly broken down.In my case - my husband started to notice other girls more, he then developed a bit of a crush on someone he worked with, later he slipped a bit further and flirted with someone a bit...still didn't act - but started to entertain the idea that it might be nice to have a bit of fun, feel good about himself..etc etc. So...when he was even more vulnerable, and when our relationship was not very strong at all it was an easier progression to go back to the woman's hotel room 'for a drink and some more conversation'....and the rest is history! The groundwork had been done you see - he now had the opportunity and he took it unfortunately. I think your husband was on the slippery slope - and further along than you'd like - from what you describe. It is a good thing that you discovered things before it went any further and it's great you are both committed to rebuilding the relationship....but you and your man shouldn't ignore what has gone on. It's a very big red flag - and it should be acknowledged and worked through - so that he never goes down that path again. He needs to acknowledege that he was very close....and in some ways did cheat....and address that flaw in his own character - or who knows down the track.He also needs to be VERY clear with his text friend that it is OVER - their intimate/personal contact must stop completely - he should do all he can to limit all contact even work related.He needs to actively practice NOT being involved in or around anything even remotely flirtatious or secretive - he must consciously catch himself out and stop himself in 'red flag' situations. That's just my thoughts - I hope you guys can get through all this and be stronger than ever - I do believe it can happen!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): You've spoken about it and asked your questions so what need do you have to keep bringing it up? Do you need to hear the same answers every day? This would drive anyone away. It sounds like he's put an end to it and unless you have some great reason to doubt he hasn't then you need to trust that he has... because regularly asking him about something he is sorry and regretful about won't help either of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): It sounds to me that you know what your doing. You can keep the way you're going, just trust him and perhaps even try and forget about it (as hard as I know it must be!) but then again how do you think he'd feel if you sat down with him and spoke with him very calmly about it, explain you know he doesn't like it when you bring the situation up, but mention you are genuinely concerned, I hope I have helped.
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A
male
reader, PassionWritesWhite69  +, writes (1 September 2008):
ok well i'm only 20 and i know nothing about a relationship lasting more then a couple years but wut i kno is that cheating is unacceptable under any circumstance and i feel like women in general are too lenient about it. you should think to yourself though, are you giving your man everything he wants? is he giving you everything you want? talk with him about things that you both could do to keep each other happy. thats one of the key responsibilities of marriage. you have to communicate, get down to the bottom of the issue. don't get walked on, get the truth. after 30 years you should tell when he's lying. and most of the time if you feel a certain way you should act on it cause you could be right. but as far as this other woman is concerned, this really isn't about her. keep it between you and your man and let the tramp get busted by karma. i hope i helped.
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