A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, Before posing my question, I would first like to state that I am from India where love is hardly accepted and arranged marriage is the tradition. As such love marriages, especially from different castes are highly opposed.I have been in a relationship with this guy, lets call him A for now, for an year and a half already. We study in the same university. I knew him for 6 months before that and we were really good friends. Now i am at a stage where we both are madly in love with each other. Imagining a life without the other person seems impossible. Just a few months ago, I told my parents about our relationship, about how much i love him. They strongly opposed it and were ready to make me give up my education if that is what it takes to take me away from him. I tried my best to convince them, give them their time, in fact every trick that is out there, i am sure i have tried it. But they are still very against us. Last months have been nothing but pure emotional torture. Now against all my wishes i have come to realize that my parents will never accept us no matter how great a guy he is and how much i love him. The fact that he is from a different caste is enough for them to erase all the possibilities. Indian society is just that way. No inter-caste marriages ever.Now, i am in a dilemma. Neither of us wants to be together if we can't have the blessings of our parents and yet we love each other so much that we'd rather die than live without each other. I know that the moment i leave him, i'll destroy his life. (I say leave him and not break up with him cos it can hardly be called a breakup when all u want to do is hold the other person and kiss them till all eternity.) After a lot of thinking i have come to a decision that if i can't keep him happy with me and he can't be happy without me then i need to help him move on. Right now he can't even consider that possibility, we both break down if the thought of parting ever arises. But i know i need to do this for him because someday we will be forced away by our own principles and our parents. Please tell me how to start and where to start.. I just want to make sure that when i leave him someday, he knows that there is a world full of opportunities waiting out there for him and someday he will find love again. I know if he gives himself a chance he'll find a great girl for himself. He is just that amazing. At least to me a better man can not exist. Please help me.. I need nothing more than his happiness. To know that he'll be alright..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): I am the original poster, just don't know how to verify it anonymously on this site.First i would like to thank everyone who wrote a response to my question. I am grateful for your suggestions.To 'foot-in-my mouth', I do belong to the said belt however i do not fear honor killing. My family isn't that backward. Running away together is not an option. I can never leave my parents to suffer like that whether i do or do not share their beliefs.To the anonymous writer, I am glad things worked out good for you. However please don't question whether he can do the same for me or not. He is a really nice guy and i have never met some one as pure hearted as him. He'd do anything for my sake and if means leaving me, he would probably do that to keep me happy too. My problem is not that. The thing is that i don't want him to lose himself because of me. I was the one who fell in love with him first but i can tell you today that he loves me much more than i ever could. Thats why things are so hard for me. How i can i leave someone who loves me so much and whom i love back to wilt away in agony???Please help me as to what to do. I can't afford to cause him any more pain than the current situation is already causing. Its true that i can see no future for myself without him but i don't want it to be the same for him. He is someone who deserves to be happy..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): well i am indian my self and i am from one of the most lowest class of all, but the quetion is why he is not thinking the same way as you do? i like to know if he can do the same if he can not go on with yr life. by the way i did love merriege and she is from rajput cast u got the point.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (14 April 2012):
 Let's set the facts right first. Not all of Indian society is the way you describe it. My parents has an intercaste marriage in the late sixties. My sister had one in the early nineties. And I am going to marry someone who's not even an Indian. So not all of Indian society is obsessed with caste, though it's true that a lot of people do think that way, unfortunately. My advice to you would be to get married to him behind your parents' back. Yes, I know this sounds outrageous but persuasion is fruitless with people who are caste-obsessed. Once you're already married and you find jobs, you can tell them. Very, very few Indian parents would want their children to turn into divorcees. They will have to accept you ultimately when they see you two happy together. And all grievances will melt away when they see their grandchildren. A couple who love each other as much as the two of you do have to fight to be with each other. Love is worth fighting for so don't give up. P.S. I hope you don't belong to the Punjab/Haryana or Western Bihar/Western U.P. belt where honour-killing' is prevalent. If that's the case, write again and I'll give you plan B. All the best. Fight for love! Don't give up!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): Your post has touched my heart.I am from an Asian background too where marriages are arranged and love marriages are discouraged. 11 years ago, I met a man who was of a different religious background. I fell deeply in love with him. His parents told him he had to have an arranged marriage and so he dumped me and never spoke to me again. He got married and had a son. I was left heartbroken and I've never really got over it. I never looked at another man until 2004 when due to family pressure, I too had an arranged marriage to a man I didn't know and didn't love. After 5 months he left me and I was alone again. In 2010, I met my current boyfriend. We are of the same religious background and last year we told our parents we wanted to get married. His parents didn't approve of me and my parents didn't approve of him so it didn't happen.I have told my parents that I don't want to get married to anyone now. For me I cannot let another man other than my boyfriend touch me.I love my boyfriend very much and he loves me. I know his parents and family have tried to persuade him to have an arranged marriage. I think this is right for him and have tried to tell him to leave me and get married to his parents choice so he can get on with his life and have children. I want him to have a real chance at happiness. I've told him it is better that he hurts one person (me) than his whole family. I told him when he gets married, I will never speak to him because I want him and his wife to make a go of their marriage. My boyfriend won't listen to me.We have tried to stay away from each other but it doesn't work. The last time we decided not to contact each other it lasted 23 hours before he text me.I know my boyfriend and I don't have much time left. One day, like that time in 2001, he will leave me and I will be alone again, knowing that the man I love is going to be someone else's husband. All I can do is either wait for heartbreak to come to me again like it did 11 years ago or turn my back on him and hope he finds his happiness.Life has played a sick sick joke on me. When he gets married, I will be all alone in this cruel world.I really hope you don't end up like me and you find the strength to deal with whatever happens.
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