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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,I met this guy a couple of months ago when out one night. We started mailing each other and have met three times for coffee. I have initiated the last two meetings and they appeared to go quite well. He mails me every day and says he enjoys meeting up. However he has not tried to arrange any further meetings. I do like him and would like to progress this further. Should I push him or just contuine to chat via mail? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 September 2005):
 Three "coffee dates" isn't really much of a basis to rush, headlong, into deeper waters, so I think your friend is just being sensible. He may be naturally cautious about trying to do too much, too soon, he may be shy, or he may have been burned in a previous relationship. Whatever it is, this is still early days in your relationship and you're still getting to know each other.
Maybe he's just enjoying being the one being pursued, instead of being the one doing the chasing. You can't blame him for that! :)
As long as the meetings themselves seem to be going well and each of you enjoys them, I'd say you're going to be much better off if you let things develop naturally, rather than trying to give them a shove.
That's not to say that this isn't a perfectly suitable time for one or the other of you to suggest moving beyond coffee, to maybe a show or a movie or some other sort of social event. In your next email, you could ask him if he'd like to meet for lunch and a movie, for example.
If he isn't interested in moving on to a more intimate level than coffee, then you have two choices: you accept that he's only interested in friendship (not that any of us can have too many of those), or you can move on and invest your time elsewhere.
This needn't be a heartbreaking, do-or-die effort. You might write something in your next email like "I've loved our discussions over coffee and I was wondering if you'd like to meet again sometime? Possibly for lunch?" Something along those lines, that gives both of you a chance to decline or respond graciously.
Sometimes being just that little bit roundabout in your invitation gives both parties more room to be comfortable, so if he says (or hints) he's really not interested, neither of you have to feel embarrassed.
I do hope this is some help.
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