A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My lover decided to return with her husband and workout her marriage but now considers me to be her best friend... she tells me that she loves me and that she is in love with me but feels that she needs to sacrifice her "happiness" for the sake of her two children...apart from the fact that we work together she wants us to stay in touch she and I created private email accounts and fake accounts so we can stay in touch via each others social network, and our conversation always end in I love you.Our situation is difficult her husband learned about us 3 months with in our 6 month affair at a certain point we had an open relationship where he knew we were dating ( only few people knew about us, we tried to keep it a secret to her kids but her husband told her 15 years old daughter about us).We were happy together but at the end she gave in into her husband threats that he would take her kids away from her that is part of the reason that she is now back with her husband "unhappy and depressed" but she loves her kids. I have accepted that what we did was wrong but we fell in love and we are still in love.we are no longer intimate we don't even kiss but we are still emotionally connected... we are having a hard time letting go because our love and because her reasons for going back to her husband are not based in love its more fear and the fact that she doesnt want to diturb her kids life more then she already has. I love her but I am having a hard time being supportive because of how we feel for one another... her husband keeps her by threats so she plays the role to keep him happy but in the inside she remains unhappy and has been for 6 out the 8 years marriage due to his controlling and verbal abusive ways.How can I only consider her to be only my "best friend" when I am so in love with her.... she has cried in my arms telling me that she knows that he is not good for her but because of the children and because she is also dealing with her mom that has cancer is to much for her to deal with all at once so she feels stuck.should I continue being around her our should I walk away for a while so she can completely commit to her choices? I am not looking for an answer because I know that at the end of it all it will be my choice but I would like to see what other opinion in this matterThank you in advance for the responses
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): women especially love to use the kids as an excuse when they break their lovers heart. bullshit women - they go back to their husbands because they want to. plain and simple. oh, the same thing also about the sex aspect. married women also f*ck their husbands. they lie to their lovers that their hbs and them are not doing it. biggest piece of bullshit i have heard.you have posted this before and you got good responses, why have you posted again???? please listen to me. i am a woman and we women are the biggest emotional whores, all the time. we worm our way into other mens lives complaining bitterly about our men but in the end we still lick them dicks all the same! we stya because we want to, the kids are merely our excuse. your married woman went back to her hb because she wanted to. this woman will want you as her side confidant and drama queen antics. get rid of her once and for all and anywhays she has so much of baggage , why settle for someones else sloppy shit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): Trust me on that one you will not get sympathy here people who cheat are not respected on here....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): !Amen, anon, sing it to the choir, to ahead!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Well if you would have asked me, this is my story almost to the t. I on the other hand, am the woman who had the affair, and am completely aware of the sin aspect. As i respect all the opinions that have been provided, I also can understand exactly where she is coming from, and you. Like i said my situation is the exact same, I almost think that it could be " my old lover " writing this. I will try to be as helpful as i can in telling you how she is feeling, and also understanding how you are feeling. Well I do believe that the love she had for you was real, you brought into her life missing links that have not been touched, nutured or respected. You listened, enjoyed each others presence and really felt connected. Trust me I felt like i met my perfect match. After the affair had been acknowledged we seperated, and we do have 3 kids. I have never felt in that seperation as powerful, healthy and finally ME!! It was odd because i thought for sure i would have the regret etc.. that did not occur, but i choose for myself to let my lover be. As much as i wanted to call him and continue to love him, i knew that fate had to take its course, and allow time to heal. It was hard! I dont ask for pity it was refreshing! The mourning the loss of my lover, which was my best friend, and my husband which was my childrens father. Well since 2 months ago, i reconnected with my husband to try to work things out. I dont want to just stay for the kids, but i have to say right now for everyone that is the best thing. We get along great, as roommates, BUT it is the same. As for my lover and best friend, he has called me all the time to see how i am, it hurts and all, but i want him to move on. I know that him holding onto me is way to painful for me as him. It is just not fair, so i really try to not have any contact with him. It certainly does not change how i feel for him at all. I understand where she is coming from she wants you sooo bad to stay in her life, but she has to let go. She did make a decision and you need to move on. What happens in the future is up to fate , and if it was meant to be it will happen. Just know that and trust that. I really did some spiritual healing and found it helpful to my forbidden love. Please let me know if you have any questions. I can try to help you. I just know that it is a lonely world where you are right now, and she may be just as lonely, but in the end time will tell! Detach!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I try not to be judgmental on these posts, but it's so DAMN hard not too.
I know it's hard to separate logic from emotion, but I'll tell you the reality.
On her "staying" for the kids, tell her to read this post. It will give her all she needs to know on "staying" for the kids doesn't help one bit: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-stand-the-thought-of-my-divorced.html
Also, listen buddy, her kids if one of them is 15 years old, they're not infants, hell, that's almost an adult. The courts don't "take" the kids away.
They are old enough to decide who to live with, they can call her and see her, or possibly live with her anytime she wants. Hell, they may decide they want to stay with her.
If it was my mother, I sure in the hell wouldn't. I'd probably tell my father to leave her a** anyway.
I just want to get it through your head that, technically, her kids WILL NOT, repeat, WILL NOT, be "taken away," and never seen again.
Also, the affair was made public, you should not be anyway NEAR that woman.
You had your fun, and game is over.
You both have the same views, morals, and values, I feel you're made for each other personally.
I hope she does leave her husband, so she gets with you, and leaves your a** for the next man, she gets emotionally connected to and then when you take her back, she STILL see's him on the side.
RULE 1, Buddy: If they do it WITH YOU, they will do it TO YOU. Don't think for one instant, you're something special.
Married people can find love in other places, ANY TIME, in 1,2,5,10+ years, you don't think you'll find a connection with someone else or some chemistry? It's there ALL THE TIME, BUT when we're content in our marriages we don't pay attention to it, we're happy, we DON'T look else where. BUT when things are not doing good, all of a sudden we notice the possibilities...
Point is, the ones that value their vows CHOOSE NOT TO proceed in that direction. Most married people, tend to back off somebody if they feel some attraction happening, or the stupid ones, do what you two did.
This is a LOST CAUSE.
Another thing, you're a fool to think that man, BEGGED her or DEMANDED her to come back.
As it's stated on a couple of posts, men can easier accept a fling (non-emotional) affair, since they can relate to the sudden urge, but usually NOT A PROLONGED/EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.
I guarantee you, this man, told her to pack her sh*t, and LEAVE. More then likely, this WOKE HER A** UP!!! She was in tears, asking this man to GIVE HER another chance. She made every excuse under the sun to justify this affair.
She realized what she was about to loose, wasn't worth you.
Key thing: Everything in her life, was not worth you. No matter what you THOUGHT you had. You were not worth it to her.
I feel bad that her mom is dealing with cancer, etc - that's probably one of the reasons the man took her back, he may have considered she isn't thinking as clearly due to the stress, etc.
I think, once things are over with her mom, and things get settled, he's going to divorce her, but due to too much being on her, a divorce, being kicked out, he's goig to stick it through till she's mentally stable (won't kill herself) and leave.
This woman has a lot going on, she spent time with you because it was FANTASY WORLD.
It was someone NEW, you didn't have to discuss medical bills, the kids, the house cleaning, etc. She didn't have to deal with responsibilities, everything was LIGHT AND FUN. You made her feel good about herself, you'd probably tell her how she can do so much better than her husband (rolls eyes).
All that buddy, is fantasy, it may have felt real, but that isn't life. If you put two people together and they don't have to deal with life's problems, of course it's going to seem GREAT!
You made her feel she was a great mom, great wife, who just wasn't appreciated, you were there when she needed to talk about her family issues and sick mom, etc. A shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and an attentive lover.
This is just like ALL the posts from the Mistresses, who wonder why didn't the married man they were seeing leave the wife.
Affairs are like ALARMS going off in a marriage that something isn't right, some people take this as an opportunity to try to fix with they have.
I know it seems like I'm picking on you, but I'm not. Sometimes we need a third neutral opinion, which is what hopefully we can give you.
She's still getting the emotional support she needs, without an "affair," she'll be happy to live like that for the rest of her and still go back home to her husband every night.
I think you need to stop chasing "forbidden love," buddy nothing ever comes good from it.
I think the affairs that happen and the people do get together and leave their partners, they realize all the destruction and hurt the first divorce caused, so at this point they realize, you made your bed, you sleep in it, and they realize it's not worth going through again, so they stay together. And they finally realize, after their love "isn't forbidden," and they are faced with day to day life with their partner, as time goes by, they realize what they had before was no different.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Walk away so she can commit her entire attention to saving what's left of her marriage. If you truly care about her that's what you should do. If she decides there's just not enough left to save and finally divorces, then you can hook up but until then leave her ENTIRELY alone and move on with your own life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): You are not going to get any sympathy here unless it is from someone's mistress who thinks this is a heart warming and tragic story.
Walk away. The woman is married and has children, she chose that over a decade ago and regardless of what her excuses are and her pity party that she throws herself every day, she is playing you like a fool.
I am surprised her husband didn't throw her out on her ass when he found out about the two of you, the fact that he didn't says a lot about his committment to his marriage, and if she is cheating on him then I would imagine he has quite a few choice words for her that are emotionally abusive.
She is not your concern. Do yourself a favor and get your gonads out of her clutches and tell her to stop using you. She doesn't need you for a best friend, she has her husband for that. You aren't helping her happiness or her marriage by remaining involved with her....you are as much a party to her unhappiness in her marriage as you possibly could be. Think of the family you were willing to destroy for this fantasy you both concocted. All the secret this and that, how special.
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