A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend had our first realargument and it was horrible! Basically whilst out drinking with my boyfriend, friend and friends boyfriend my boyfriend said something inappropriate. I did get upset over it but i feel my reaction was fulled by my friend. Anyway as a result my friend and her boyfriend left leaving me and my boyfriend to it. Weve been together 7 months now although it feels like years. Were both completely head over heels. Really feel like we'll be together forever and are both completely smitten with one another. But i can not get over how horrible we were to one another during this argument.To be honest what he said was inappropriate (although he still disagrees but has apologised for upsetting me)but i over reacted. He wouldnt apologise therefore it esculated massively. I told him i hated him and i wish i'd never met him and he said ohr relationship was insignificant and he'd prefer to be alone. We have never had any kind of argument before. I cant get over how awful we were to one another. In previous relationships ive never seen myself so angry and could never imagined him being so cruel. We've talked things over now and have agreed to put it behind us. Although hes refusing to go out with that particular friend ever again. it makes me think different about our perfect relationship. Why do you think we were so awful to each other? And is there anything we can do to make sure it doesnt happen again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): You had a major over reaction. The guy felt safe enough with you to ask her this while you were there. It probably could have been a funny conversation. Agh, you need to apologize. Your friend over reacted also.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): Sorry I'm the OP. I just wanted to explain a few things. By perfect I meant our relationship is perfect for us and we both feel we are right for one another. Of course its nothing like a fairytale or all that other crap you read about. I just meant were both very happy and would like to think we have a long future together. But I take on board what you say.I didn't explain what was inappropriate as its quite a long story but basically my boyfriend and friend went out on one date two years ago. Before I knew my friend or my boyfriend. My friend blew him off after the one date. My boyfriend asked my friend infront of me, why she had done this. Despite it being two years previous. I felt it was inappropriate and insensitive. Also I'm sorry I didn't explain this properly but my friends didn't leave because we had an argument. Basically after my boyfriend asked that I politely excused myself and went to the toilet just to gather my thoughts, my friend followed and said she wanted to leave us alone as she felt he was out of order and I needed to speak with him. Therefore they left the bar leaving us to it.Thanks for your advice though. I greatly appreciate it. And will do my very best to implement it. Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): First off, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
Get off the teenage-notion that it will last forever. It will last as long as you love each other and work at it.
Hollywood movie-perceptions of relationships should be cast-out. Dispelled as rubbish, and misinformation.
Fairytale bullsh*t!
Realistically, you take it day by day, and plant both your feet firmly on the ground. You are two adults. Not children.
You were drinking and your overreaction was fueled by alcohol.
It lowers your inhibitions and shortens your fuse. You will not mention what was "said inappropriately;" because you are dodging any admonishment for it.
You caused a scene, and forced your friends to leave with an outburst. You then took it further, and said awful things to each other. You can't take them back; now they are hurtful seeds planted in your brains.
You should not be estranged from your friends for a single incident. You owe them an apology, even if it will not restore the friendship. You were both misbehaving like rowdy teenagers. Now you're not speaking to them? You two were the ones who turned it all into an altercation. You claim one friend fueled it? Lame excuse, and you know it.
Fights and disagreements do happen. When I said stay planted in reality, that means don't expect a relationship to be good at all times. No matter how good they usually are. There will always be challenges and mishaps. You have to mind what you say in anger.
Now you'll be over-sensitive about how he feels about the relationship; and using the word "hate" is pretty harsh.
Start from a clean-slate. No hard-feelings. Blame it on the alcohol, and childish behavior.
Your angry comments to your boyfriend was loaded with guilt and embarrassment over your own behavior. You were being defensive and over-compensated for your childishness. He knows how important the relationship is to you; so he hit below the belt. Using it as a weapon to shatter your feelings.
Again, all this was alcohol-infused non-sense.
You had a very smooth seven months. A spat between lovers is inevitable; and it is part of the passion within a relationship. You can't prevent fights from happening; but you can mind what you say and minimize the intensity. You can avoid conflict, by not being petty.
I assume you are both in your 30's, or thereabouts. You are not children or new to relationships. Depending on what you are disagreeing about; the range/level of anger will vary. You should learn to choose your battles, where you have them, and how long you should go at it.
When you rage out of control, you say and do things you can't take back. It becomes acidic and very toxic. It starts to eat at the core of your relationship. It's still slowly burning, even when you're getting along; because it gets buried in your memory. So be careful.
Someone has to back-down to restore order. Everyone wants to be right; but it shouldn't cost you your relationship.
If you feel your temper rising, and your tongue filling with poison.
SHUT THE HELL UP! Hold your tongue and call a truce. I mean at that very moment.
Then and there. Just stop. Cool off. Leave the room, splash cold water on your face. Apologize immediately for getting out of control. Even if he refuses to. Retreat to a neutral area, and don't talk until you can talk with the least amount of anger.
The hell with that wimpy "agree to disagree" crap. You must resolve the problem once and for all. It will only come back in a new argument 10x worse. Fix it!!!
You both can't be right and can't both be wrong. Use compromise and logic to settle the dispute. That comes from wisdom and maturity. If you don't have it; you're doomed.
So you had better grow some.
The advice given here is based on a happy 28-year relationship I had with my partner. He was an attorney! Someone trained and educated in presenting an argument, and proficient at driving a point. We learned over-time, that it wasn't about winning or being right. It was about solving the problem between us; and restoring the peace and maintaining balance. Sharing mutual respect for each others rights and feelings. Yet remaining two very strong people getting along.
We never went to bed without an apology, and the argument was not carried over the next morning. This takes time, patience, and determination to learn and to practice.
It kept us happy and together until he passed away.
We learned these skills from our parents, and it was not easy putting them into use. Trust me. There were times I could just explode. I let love temper my words, and didn't want to hurt someone I loved just because I was angry.
If you're healthy, compatible, and well-adjusted; anger normally subsides quickly. It's the pain from the wounds we inflict that lingers. Once you're no longer angry, you don't mean it anymore. Yet, you left a thorn behind.
I still got my points across. It sometimes took us time to solve a problem, but we worked at it until it was. Then disagreements became less. Arguments were short; but not filled with anger. It becomes easier to talk about things. We didn't always agree; but we knew how to, without a huge blowout. We still got pissed and had our hissy-fits. Yet maturity and patience kept us be balanced and flexible.
Every one has bad moods. You learn how to get out of each others way, and when to give each other space. When to comfort him, and when to put proper distance between you.
Honey, you've gotta have a lot of patience! Trust me!
I would recommend that you printout the answers you get from the aunts and uncles. Read them and use them as a guide and reference. These people here are brilliant, and I feel proud being among them.
Making-up is what heals the wounds. Sincere apologies restore trust and peace within your household. Makeup sex
is purely divine. Full of passion and heat.
Good luck, my dear.
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